Sunday, June 30, 2013

Gas Prices are Beastly

Posted By on Sun, Jun 30, 2013 at 10:48 AM

666.9, Regular Unleaded
  • 666.9, Regular Unleaded

It's not an especially well kept secret that Lucifer, the bright, shining angel of the pit, is responsible for rigging gas prices. This Madison Ave. sign pretty much comes out and says so.

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Friday, June 28, 2013

Wizards and Warriors

Posted By on Fri, Jun 28, 2013 at 4:54 PM


Fourteen Memphis smoke shops were recently declared a public nuisance and shut down. Now this, from the future...

Day 53: I have survived another day. Madison doesn't look the way it used to. There's fewer of us left. I had to eat McDonald's to get my fix. A Happy Meal doesn't cut it. I got my other needs at a different place, but I need these.

Day 62: I found what I was looking for but I can't get in! It's boarded up with yellow tape and SIGNS. SIGNS FROM WHERE?!?!?? WHAT THE HELL??? I NEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT

Day 63: It is still there, still boarded up. I know they are in there. I know. I can smell them. Through the "potpourri" through the "spice" I can smell them. I found something like them, but not THEM.

Day 67: I got lost.

Day 72: I found it again. I clawed the boards until my fingers bled. I NEED THEM. THEY ARE CALLING ME. COME TO ME


Day 102: Much calmer now. I got in. I found it. I found the one. I can't leave. I can't sleep. They will take it away again. I don't care about the plastic baggies or the "vitamins" here, I just wanted this one little guy...


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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Two Headed Turtle!?!??!

Posted By on Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 5:43 PM

I just read an article about a female two-headed turtle that was born in the San Antonio Zoo. They've decide to name them Thelma and Louise.

How Ooze REALLY affects baby turtles... #knowthetruth
  • How Ooze REALLY affects baby turtles... #knowthetruth

Years from now I hope to read an update about them breaking out and robbing gas stations. Then instead of surrendering to zoo authorities, they decided to slowly crawl off a cliff into a the Grand Canyon.


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Six new names for Paula Deen's buffet that should probably be avoided

Posted By on Thu, Jun 27, 2013 at 2:09 AM

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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

To Jambush or Not to Jambush? An ethical dilemma for solo musicians on the bar scene

Posted By on Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 6:03 PM

Dude, we all love Sid Selvidge. But the best way to honor his memory is to not show up to his tribute concert and jambush the performers from the audience. What the fuck?
  • Dude, we all love Sid Selvidge. But the best way to honor his memory is to not show up to his tribute concert and jambush the performers from the audience. What the fuck?
Gentle reader,

Over the course of human evolution scientists have observed one consistent difference between good people and fuckwits. Good people— perhaps even more notably good musicians— don't naturally assume that every instrumentalist playing in a bar somewhere in the vast expanse between Disneyland and Yankee Stadium, has been sitting up nights, stroking an unrequited boner, just waiting for the special moment when yet another drunk they don't know walks up and says those seven magic words: "Hey... Lemme play harmonica with you guys!"

Friends, I don't want to be a buzzkill. I have no desire to crush anybody's dreams of stardom, or at least getting to second base with a stranger who smells faintly of urine. But unless your name is Little Walter, and you've come back from the grave to rock, I can almost guarantee that the band, and the fans who've come to see that band, really wish you just fucking wouldn't.

It has come to my attention that Memphis is in the throes of a Jambush epidemic. Fully grown adults who are old enough to vote and buy liquor are bringing their own musical instruments to concerts like they were going to some kind of open mic night. Simply put, this shit needs to stop. I mean, you don't go to fucking Rigoletto and beatbox all the way through "La Donne e Mobile," do you? Well?

Just the other night, at a popular Cooper-Young drinking establishment, some guy was so hellbent on playing with the band he literally put his balls on the line.

I kid you not.

"If I suck you can all punch me in the nuts," he said, indicating with his delicate harmonica-player's hands, the exact location of the alleged target. This ploy, while inventive, was unsuccessful due, primarily, to a lack of collateral. It's more effective to propose that any nut- punching happens in advance of the joint performance, as a kind of insurance policy covering time that can't be regained, and any harm that might befall an individual song or music's historical reputation for taming our savage instinct.

If you still want to blow that thing after 5-good sack-shots, buddy come on.

Look, we all have our fantasies. We've all been to a bar where a band is playing, and we're having a good time, and dropping some Jagerbombs, and maybe smelling a little toilet seat cocaine, and, naturally, we start to fantasize a little about what it might be like to be awesome. We think, "damn, those band guys sure look cool." And, "Hey, I know how to band! I mean, I've never been in a band, but it just so happens I'm wearing my John Popper-autographed harmonica vest, and it's totally loaded. And anyway, I'd probably be doing these jerks a favor if I sat in. We could maybe play something with a funky groove. Like "Brown Eyed Girl."

If that's you...

Well, what can I say? You're probably still a dipshit, but at least you're a perfectly normal dipshit. When you act on this douchebag fantasy, that's when you become everybody's problem.

So listen. If you want to act like your mama raised you right and you've got some fucking manners, here's how to let a band know you're interested in playing with them.

1. Wait until after the show is over.

2. Go tell the musicians how much you enjoyed the performance.

3. You might even throw down a nice tip.

4. In fact, do that last thing I mentioned. Yeah.

and lastly...

5. If everybody's getting on well enough, you might mention that you play a little harp and would love to get together and maybe jam sometime.

If you follow these five polite steps chances are someone in the band will say, "Sure thing, cool dude! And if you've got an accordion, bring that with you too!"

This guy is fucking with you. And you still totally deserve it.

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Meet Ron Ormond, one weird filmmaker

Posted By on Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 4:46 PM

Ron Ormond
  • Ron Ormond
For your consideration I submit the story of an exploitation filmmaker named Ron Ormond. Ormond had a lengthy, and varied career as a film producer and director, and some of his later, stranger work, was shot in and around Memphis and Nashville, where Ormond died, in 1981. A handful of these films featured a fire-and-brimstone preacher named Estus Pirkle, and some amazing visions of Heaven and Hell that look like they were shot on location inside one of David Lynch’s nightmares.

Here's a little taste of Heaven as imagined by Ormond & Pirkle.

And if you thought that was special you can go straight to Hell.

Now for the mystery. At least to me. Ormond allegedly shot commercials for a few Memphis-area businesses including White Rose Dry Cleaners. If any of these have survived they don't seem to have made it onto the internet.

I'd be interested to know if these commercials do, or ever did exist. I can't imagine they're not brilliant, and I'd sure love to share them here.

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Monday, June 24, 2013

Existential Dilemma and You

Posted By on Mon, Jun 24, 2013 at 9:59 PM

Bandz a make Miley Cyrus twerk. But then again, what doesn't?

I want to go home... to the PYRAMID!
  • I want to go home... to the PYRAMID!
Ever had one of those days where you just ponder on the "Why" of things? I do. I do often. Why did my AC go out during the hottest week (so far) in Memphis? Why is there 10 months between seasons of Game of Thrones? Why is Tanning Mom a celebrity? Why did Kimye name their kid after a defunct airline? Why is the Pyramid cursed? Why is the fiber network in Memphis not being used? Why did Miley Cyrus decide that twerkin was the right path for her? Why is he asking all of these why questions?

It's because I want you to think and open your mind. Why, you may ask...

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Knock Knock?

Posted By on Mon, Jun 24, 2013 at 1:28 PM

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.
  • "Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying."

Knock Knock?
Who's There?
Get a new lawyer.
Get a new lawyer who?
No, seriously, get a new lawyer.

How Not To Give An Opening Argument

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International Delights

Posted By on Mon, Jun 24, 2013 at 12:23 PM

At the Cordova Farmer's Market International, you can find pretty much any international foodstuffs you might want, from duck embryos to five gallon drums of soy sauce.

You can also find products endorsed by one hit wonder, PSY.

Enjoy dumplings, Gangnam style!
  • Enjoy dumplings, Gangnam style!

We hope this heralds the way for Carly Ray Jepsen's lucrative "Cauliflower, Baby" endorsement deal and Rebecca Black's new role as a pitch person for TGI Friday's frozen appetizers.

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Sunday, June 23, 2013

-Game of Thrones vs True Blood- Round 1: Baby names

Posted By on Sun, Jun 23, 2013 at 3:01 PM

Just read an article saying that 146 babies in the US have been named Khaleesi, which means Queen in the made up Lame of Thrones universe.

Impressive? Hardly, when compared to the HBO show True Blood! Enough classy fangbanger mom's have named their baby Sookie to shoot it to the number 3 position on the top 10 searched baby names so far this year. Point: True Blood. AND to put the final nail in the many people do you known named Bill?

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Mayor AC Wharton's Headshot: Just for Men

Posted By on Sun, Jun 23, 2013 at 11:00 AM

Mayors Mark
  • Mayor's Mark

Why shouldn't city mayors be allowed to profit from their civic duty by exploiting their famous hair styles?

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Scarecrows in the City

Posted By on Thu, Jun 20, 2013 at 10:22 PM

  • BFFs

Has anybody else noticed these scary guys propped up on Hamlin just North of Poplar? By day they keep birds away from what appear to be raised beds of basil and tomatoes. I've got no idea what they do when the moon comes up.

What part of BOO dont you understand?
  • What part of "BOO" don't you understand?

A Coupla White Chicks Standing Around Talking

Paula Deen and Martha Stewart dish on the "help."

Posted By on Thu, Jun 20, 2013 at 10:47 AM

Spinning into butter.
  • Spinning into butter.

So Paula Deen uses the N-word and thinks it's a cute idea to have an Old South wedding where African-Americans get gussied up like slaves to serve the invited guests? To borrow a line from Gomer Pyle, USMC, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

As you marvel at this video (with the worst dubbing anyone has experienced since Godzilla was a tadpole!) it's helpful to remember, these two big lifestyle stars really are talking about the help.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Men's Wearhouse Ousts Zimmer

Posted By on Wed, Jun 19, 2013 at 2:16 PM

Pitch perfect.
  • Pitch perfect.

Men's Wearhouse, the fancier cousin of The New York Suit Exchange, today fired founder and chairman George Zimmer.

His termination letter reportedly started as follows:

"You're not going to like the rest of this letter. Guaranteed."

RIP Slim Whitman, Country Singer, Slayer of Martians

Posted By on Wed, Jun 19, 2013 at 12:18 PM

Shell Shock!
  • Shell Shock!

Slim Whitman, the country singer who headlined Elvis Presley's first public performance on July 30, 1954 at the Overton Park (now Levitt) Shell, has died of heart failure. The 89-year-old singer, and subject of brilliant parody, was famous for his yodeling, multi-octave range, and his ability to make alien brains explode.

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