Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Buzzfly: 11 Signs That You’re a Radioactive Hyper-Tarantula from Memphis

Posted By on Tue, Jan 14, 2014 at 1:52 PM

Screen_shot_2014-01-14_at_11.01.23_AM.png

1.You’re tired of hearing about Bass Pro Shops taking over the Pyramid, because it would be the perfect place for you to raise your thousands of hatchlings.

tumblr_mumjis7JDY1s9byz3o1_500.gif

2. Out-of-towners are always asking you why you don’t have an accent while you drain them of bodily fluids.

Screen_shot_2014-01-14_at_11.04.00_AM.png

3. You think the lanes on Poplar are too narrow to chase humans and other large prey.

Screen_shot_2014-01-14_at_10.53.40_AM.png

4.You practically live at Central BBQ. Also in the fever dreams of frightened children everywhere.

tumblr_mmqrawtkYN1s0q5b9o1_500.gif


5. You think it’s cute when people from Cordova say they grew up in Memphis. Also being in your presence for five minutes is the equivalent of 45 chest x-rays.

earth-vs-the-spider-1958.jpg

6. You went to Voodoo Village once when you were younger, but you got scared when a car pulled up behind you and you crushed it with one of your gargantuan hairy legs.

tumblr_mkbxz0i7MF1qkaki1o1_500.gif

7. You L-O-V-E Graceland, and visit every time you need a break from being chased by desperate government scientists.

mad-scientist-o.gif

8. You’re afraid of the earthquake that Memphis is long overdue for, because it heralds the arrival of Bhul’gaatane the Serpent, your mortal foe.

Screen_shot_2014-01-14_at_1.43.48_PM.png

9. You followed Kerry Crawford’s “I Love Memphis” blog religiously, and now that she quit, you just follow her, waiting.

images-1.jpg

10: You think the inability of the city and county governments to cooperate on school consolidation is damaging to the the long-term infrastructure of the city, as your hulking frame damages the long-term infrastructure of the city.

giant-spider02.png

AND FINALLY: Whenever some idiot says, “Memphis sucks, there’s nothing to do here,” you spring from the shadows, cover them in a digestive juice from your chelicerae and consume their dissolved flesh.

Screen_shot_2014-01-14_at_10.34.08_AM.png

Robert Callahan is a Wisguy and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

Comments

Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT

Readers also liked…

  • The Tennessean Embeds Secret Message in URL

    • Nov 19, 2015
  • Guyliner Jesus and St. Manbun Go to Cash Saver

    • Dec 7, 2016
  • Zooey and Bowie

    Time moves in one direction, memory in another. — William Gibson

    This week, an old friend sent me a photo of myself, circa 1978. In the picture, I was thin, long-haired, and standing barefoot on the porch of an old farmhouse where we lived, just outside of Columbia, Missouri. It was a shock to see it. I don't remember my friends and I taking many photographs, and I didn't remember this moment ...

    • Jan 14, 2016

People who saved…

Most Commented On

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
© 1996-2017

Contemporary Media
460 Tennessee Street, 2nd Floor | Memphis, TN 38103
Visit our other sites: Memphis Magazine | Memphis Parent | Inside Memphis Business
Powered by Foundation