Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Ole Miss Student Gored by Spanish Bull

Posted By on Wed, Feb 18, 2015 at 12:34 PM

Mother Nature has equipped bulls with a secret weapon scientists call the bootie sensor.
  • Mother Nature has equipped bulls with a secret weapon scientists call the bootie sensor.
In case you missed it, a 20-year-old Ole Miss student named Benjamin Milley was gored by a fighting bull during the Carnival del Toro festival in Ciudad Rodrigo, Spain.

The key quote here comes from the surgeon who says the injury wasn't the worst he'd ever seen, but it was the largest he'd ever had to operate on: "The operation took three hours to repair damage to thighs, sphincter, and back muscles." 

While this is not a video of the actual event, it may give readers some sense as to what just such an encounter between bull and human might look like. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

Mega-Fail: The New Memphis Welcome Sign is NSFW

Posted By on Mon, Feb 16, 2015 at 9:57 AM

  • S

So, are we the only dirty minded people who read the Commercial Appeal story "Memphis' New Signs Beckon I-40 Travelers" and thought, "Wait a minute, are those dildos up there?"

Because, you've got to admit, in addition to being an ugly sign generally, those alleged music notes up top, sure do look an awful lot like dildos

L to R: Dildos, Detail from the new Memphis welcome sign.
  • L to R: Dildos, Detail from the new Memphis welcome sign.

UPDATE: What's seen can not be unseen. Maybe this is our Mt. Rushmore. Those dildos need names. Maybe even faces. Suggestions? 

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Winter Storm Survival Tips

Posted By on Sun, Feb 15, 2015 at 4:37 PM

Just about here... - UNCLE L.D.
  • Uncle L.D.
  • Just about here...

Winter Stormageddonpocalypse '15 is bearing down on the Mid-South. As local meteorologists prepare for inordinate amounts of screen time, you should make ready for the coming storm. Here are some important tips to help you survive the storm of the century.

1. Stock up on jokes about milk and bread. There's going to be a lot of opportunity to make jokes about people running to the store for necessities in the face of winter weather. You're going to want cutting edge, fresh jokes so that yours can stand out on social media. Don't be stuck with just one "Guess we're going to need bread and milk!" quip for Facebook. Go get those jokes ready now so you can be at the forefront of obvious comedy.

2. Winterize your house. Cover the entire house with a Styrofoam teepee. If it’s good enough for your outdoor faucets, it's good enough for your whole house.

3. Determine which family members you will eat. If trapped by ice for more than two days, you may need to decide which family member the rest will eat in order to survive. It's best to make those plans now when you can do it rationally and without letting emotions get in the way during a crisis. The Donner party didn't plan, and reports say they had a really hard time deciding who would be lunch. And don't even get me started on that soccer team. Those guys had a really tough time due to lack of planning!

4. Purchase a salt truck and 50 tons of salt. This will be incredibly useful. And if the storm does not show up, you’ve got enough salt to last for your meals for at least a week!

5. Mock people. If you are from the North, now is your opportunity to make fun of and be condescending to your new neighbors. Make as many insulting, rude and annoying statements about how we just don’t understand snow down here and that it’s quaint that we react to winter weather the way we do. We love that.

6. Gather costumes. Prepare for the winter weather by stocking up on supplies to make costumes of local weather personalities. Treat weather reports like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Throw bread or something at your TV anytime there’s a weather crawl! Shoot each other with water guns anytime Ron Childers says “occluded”! Make it fun!

7. Prepare entertainment. Remember, if the power goes out, you won’t be able to access programming on your TV, radios, Netflix, or even your old Magnum P.I. DVDs. So prepare for some non-electric based entertainment. Like puppets or something. I don’t know what people did for fun in the dark ages, but I assume puppets were involved.

8. Prepare a shrine to Ithaqua. Just in case the storm is caused by Old Ones, it won’t hurt to do what you can to appease Ithaqua lest he devour your soul or send you to the brink of gibbering madness.

9. Get a sled. Call it Rosebud and yearn for it as you lay dying, allowing it symbolize your lost youth and innocence. Spoiler alert. Sorry.

10. Say “Cold enough for you?” over and over again. This will help make the decision in number 3 easier for the rest of the family.

Mr. Hack is Fly on the Wall's senior Stormageddonpocalypse correspondent and a Wiseguy.  

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Tennessee Denied Coverage to Remove Cancerous Lawmakers

Posted By on Thu, Feb 5, 2015 at 2:18 PM

A microscopic view of Tennessee's legislature-shaped growth.
  • A microscopic view of Tennessee's legislature-shaped growth.

Tragedy struck this week, as the US Surgeon General advised Tennessee that the mass growing in the greater Nashville region was, in fact, cancer of the state Legislature, and that its current insurance plan would not cover any sort of invasive surgery to remove it.

“This is one of the most aggressive, repugnant tumors I’ve ever seen,” said the Surgeon General. “It has already spread to the Judiciary and state Constitution, and is eyeing the Executive as we speak. God, I wish we could have caught it sooner.”

One of the so-called “marginally poor” states, Tennessee generates barely enough revenue to disqualify itself from federally guaranteed health care coverage, but lives paycheck-to-paycheck, considering health care to be an unaffordable luxury.

Functional state legislatures are a vital organ of the state, regulating many of the industries and practices that comprise a reasonable modern government. Friends and family of Tennessee urged it to seek medical attention when the legislature developed abnormally high concentrations of guns and regressive taxes, but after years of ignoring the problem, the situation appears dire.

“This cancer has grown unchecked for years, and it appears to be self-funding at present,” the Surgeon General explained, “without treatment I’d give you two years before you experience total public school shut down.”

Doctors recommended the state begin immediate radiation therapy, with debate raging on as to whether the Legislature should be defined as a living person and protected from destruction.

Tennessee has set up a GoFundMe to help defray the cost of medical bills.

Robert Callahan is a Memphian living in Chicago, Wiseguy, and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Graceland Too in the Paris Review

Posted By on Tue, Feb 3, 2015 at 3:10 PM

  • Detail from a photo by Eileen Townsend

"Ordinary estate sales are like pop-up museums of our lives as unremarkable consumers." 

Yeah, that's the kind of great "I wish I'd written that" line that gets you noticed by the Paris Review.

If you haven't seen it yet, this short essay about the recent, appropriately weird Graceland Too  estate auction, by Memphis Flyer art writer Eileen Townsend is a heckuva good read. In not very many words I think she gets to the heart of a strange, not very happy story. Townsend's to-the-point encounter with Holly Springs librarian Robert Patterson is just devastating. 

“I feel that [Graceland Too owner Paul MacLeod] considered me a friend,” Patterson wrote in a Facebook post that he printed and gave to Townsend. “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to know him better.”

Good stuff. 


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