Friday, May 29, 2015

EPA Asks State Rep. Andy Holt to Prove He's Not Full of You Know What

Posted By on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 3:38 AM

Hey, does everybody remember Republican dudebro Rep. Andy Holt? 

Woo Pig, Sooie!
  • Woo Pig, Sooie!

He's the state legislator from District 76 whose concerns about animal cruelty were so great he sponsored Tennessee's version of the Ag-Gag bill, essentially criminalizing methodical investigation and whistleblowing in regard to animal cruelty. Holt positioned himself as the great defender of animals, describing groups like the Humane Society as being "fraudulent and reprehensibly disgusting,"  corporatists "intent on using animals the same way human-traffickers use 17 year old women." Well, as it turns out Holt, a former pig farmer, has been full of shit. Pig shit, to be precise. In fact, he's been so full of pig shit, when his pig shit lagoons threatened to overflow a few years back, Holt unburdened them, allegedly releasing up to 800,000 gallons of fetid, porcine feces into nearby fields and streams. 

That's right, nearly a million gallons of excrement dumped along the roadsides like it was a throwaway bottle or a pop top can... 

A little bit of pig shit goes a long, long way...

Following a lengthy investigation, the Environmental Protection Agency has finally presented Holt a “show cause” letter requesting that the Tennessee Rep., "show cause why the EPA should not take formal civil enforcement action." Of course Holt doesn't think too much of the EPA, which he has described as a political tool, "like the IRS." He thinks that investigations, like the one he's been facing should be conducted at the state level where no elected official would ever be given any kind of preferential treatment... Oh... oh, wait a minute...

SCREEN SHOT VIA WTVF, NASHVILLE
  • Screen shot via WTVF, Nashville

Nashville's WTVF NewsChannel 5  asked Haslam-appointed TDEC Commissioner, Robert Martineau, if Holt was getting preferential treatment. Martineau said, "No," although, as we've already pointed out... 

SCREEN SHOT VIA WTVF, NASHVILLE
  • Screen shot via WTVF, Nashville

 Martineau told WTVF he didn't know who discouraged further action against Holt, or why the memo was in the file, and there is no reason in the world not to believe him.

Because everybody knows that's the kind of memo you're supposed to shred, am I right? 

It's probably worth noting that Holt thinks Tennessee should opt out of the EPA's "Clean Power Plan." And we're pretty sure we know why


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Why Do Memphis Police Streams and Ambient Music Sound So Good Together?

Posted By on Wed, May 27, 2015 at 6:12 PM

screen_shot_2015-05-27_at_6.04.11_pm.png

Have you ever wished that you could relax while feeding your crippling paranoia? If so, then you need to tune into You Are Listening to Memphis. Seriously, click that link.

The "You Are Listening to" project mixes live police streams, from a variety of North American cities, with nature sounds and moody new age music. 

"You Are Listening To" has been around for about four years, but I thought I'd share anyway for the uninitiated. It's weirdness worth knowing about. 


Friday, May 22, 2015

You know what's better than the new Tennessee logo? Brian Kelsey's mirror selfie.

Posted By on Fri, May 22, 2015 at 9:15 AM

Reflections of Brian Kelsey
  • Reflections of Brian Kelsey

It's getting weird out there, people. Rise to the occasion and make #Kelfie trend. Like the man says, it's for a good cause.

The New Tennessee Logo Has Its Own Parody Twitter Account, Of Course...

Posted By on Fri, May 22, 2015 at 8:12 AM

screen_shot_2015-05-22_at_8.02.55_am.png

You know, there's really no reason to say much about this. Something happened yesterday resulting in an outpouring of "OMG" and "smh." Boom. Twitter account. Enjoy. 

Oh, also, @TnLogo, you should totally follow Captain America. 

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Tennessee has a new logo. A new, hideous, $46,000 logo

Posted By on Thu, May 21, 2015 at 8:21 AM

Nashville's WSMV-TV broke the news yesterday. Tennessee has a new $46,000 logo. It looks like this. 

A LOGO SHOULD MAKE A STATEMENT. OR AT LEAST A FART NOISE.
  • A logo should make a statement. Or at least a fart noise.
While it does accurately reflect the Red/Blue division in the Tennessee legislature (in oh so many ways), it's difficult to get around the fact that the new logo looks like it might have been created by the slowest student in a first year design class. It was actually created by professionals at Nashville's GS&F advertising and marketing firm. 

The picture below is the main image on the front page of the GS&F website. As you can see the firm's employees are having coffee and laughing about something. What in the world could be so funny?

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!
  • Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Friday, May 15, 2015

Not Another "Thrill is Gone" Headline

Posted By on Fri, May 15, 2015 at 1:31 PM

To take nothing away from Bob Mehr's actual reporting, the headline for this B.B. King teaser is one example of why I sing the blues. 

screen_shot_2015-05-15_at_11.53.27_am.png

A Different Kind of Car Jacking

Posted By on Fri, May 15, 2015 at 12:56 PM

render.jpg
Florida Man's really got nothing on Tennessee Man. At least not if the latter is from Memphis, anyway. To wit (as they say), included among the most circulated news stories in the Bluff City this week, was this item about a naked car driver who enjoys it when people take videos.

According to various reports, Mr. Naked Car-Driving-Man also likes touching himself. 
From WMC: 

Memphis police officers are on the lookout for a man who people say is creeping out drivers by driving naked while pleasuring himself.

Last month, Allyson Duckworth spotted a man she says was driving naked. She says the man had on nothing but sunglasses and a hat. She also says the man was touching himself. She spotted him at Highland and Poplar Avenue.

"It still bothers me,” says Allyson Duckworth, who had grabbed her camera and started recording the man's actions. "When I started videoing him, he really enjoyed that, I think he wants to be seen and wants to be found."
One photo of the suspect shows a man committing "the same act," wearing woman's shoes and nothing else. Which is perfectly understandable considering just how sexy the right pair of shoes can make you feel. 

In an unrelated story a WMC reporter told viewers about a child thrown from the roof of a car on Mud Island while standing on the roof of a car. Because... we give up.
 

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Mystery of Memphis' Tri-Phallic Welcome Sign Explained

Posted By on Wed, May 13, 2015 at 2:32 PM

Shitty aritst's enhancement
  • Shitty aritst's enhancement

Fly on the Wall recently observed that the three note logo on Memphis' new welcome sign looks an awful lot like a bunch of dingalings.  

Here they are once again, just for reference. 

Dingalings
  • Dingalings

Since Bass Pro opened in Memphis' long abandoned Pyramid, the internet has been awash in new pictures of the skyline, and every photo seems to teach the Bluff City a little something new about itself. This image, for example, seems to suggest that the phallic nature of the welcome sign may not have been an accident. For so it was written in prophecies of old, "When three cocks crow over the Memphis sunset, then will the giant asphalt spermatozoa reveal itself."

STOLEN FROM THE INTERNET FOR THE BETTERMENT OF MANKIND
  • Stolen from the internet for the betterment of mankind

I think it's time to bring back the crystal Skull, people. 

Who doesn't like a little head?
  • Who doesn't like a little head?

Monday, May 4, 2015

The Howling Monkey Reads The Comics: 5/3/15

Posted By on Mon, May 4, 2015 at 9:11 AM

The Howling Monkey Reads The Comics is a public service to you, in which we explain why the Sunday funnies are, well, funny.  This thrilling edition of The Howling Monkey Reads The Comics includes bags of milk, jigsaw puzzles, mythology and a man who smells bad!  Enjoy it, won't you?  (You won't).



Joey Hack is a regular contributor to Fly On The Wall, and is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.

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