Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Residents Weigh Merits of Racist Tourist District Against Chances of a Dark Apocalypse

Posted By on Tue, Jun 30, 2015 at 11:41 AM

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Brian Yotch is torn. The College Park resident agrees with Memphis Mayor A.C. Wharton that it’s time for the body of Confederate General and former Klan leader Nathan Bedford Forrest to be removed from its place of honor in Health Sciences Park. On the other hand, Yotch worries that the Grand Wizard’s exhumation will result in deadly paranormal activity.

“There is an army of mostly decomposed confederates buried in Elmwood just looking for a reason to rise up and kill the living,” Yotch said at an impromptu neighborhood watch meeting. “Nobody seems to care about what will happen if they move Forrest's bones out of the the medical district. They don't think twice about putting our neighborhood on the front line of the coming war where the veil between reality and unreality will be ripped asunder.

“When the dead rise up to march, they’re marching toward Midtown,” Yotch said, cautioning civic leaders to be reasonable. “Don’t think I’m saying it’s okay for Memphis to honor a guy who made his fortune selling slaves and rebelling against America. Because it’s not okay. I just think we need to consider what can happen when you go messing with forces you shouldn’t be messing with.”

Yotch’s neighbor Dick Holiday disagrees and hopes Forrest’s remains will eventually be returned to Elmwood, where the Southern General was previously interred. “What the history-hating idiot next door needs to do is shut his pie hole and open up a donut shop or something,” Holiday said. “As soon as they move Forrest to Elmwood our neighborhood becomes the number one tourist destination in America for racists. That guy’s like Klan Elvis, am I right?”

Holiday says that, while he's not personally a racist, he sees no reason why the area shouldn’t benefit economically by a sudden influx of hater money. “If I had financial backing I’d open a Civil War-themed cupcake shop. Or Rebel Yell SnoCones. Maybe a gun store and shooting range,” Holiday said. “You get Forrest, you get that tourist opportunity.”

“Yeah, I totally want that racist money too,” Yotch said, answering his neighbor's complaint. “Who wouldn't want a bunch of heavily armed peckerwoods with disposable income parking on their street?  But as good as that sounds, I don't want it at the expense of a dark reckoning. It’s like in the movie Jaws when the town leaders knew there was a killer shark out there in the water eating people, but were afraid of losing business over the fourth of July. Only instead of a killer shark it’s a bunch of undead soldiers with bayonets and battle flags.”

“It’s nothing like Jaws,” Holiday countered, shrugging off his neighbor’s concerns. “That whole rebel graveyard thing is more like The Walking Dead."

“More like Poltergeist,” Yotch shouted over his fence. "People died after shooting that movie," he warned portentously. “And now they’re rebooting the whole franchise. This stuff never goes away. It comes back. It always comes back.”

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Monday, June 29, 2015

Obama Enforces Gay Marriage Law

Posted By on Mon, Jun 29, 2015 at 10:10 AM

BY LUDOVIC BERTRON FROM NEW YORK CITY, USA [CC BY 2.0 (HTTP://CREATIVECOMMONS.ORG/LICENSES/BY/2.0)], VIA WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
  • By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
- Washington, D.C.

In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.

“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room. “The time for change is literally now.”

Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans. “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced. We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced. You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”

“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin. “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose. Chet seems nice.”

In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”

President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative. “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”

The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.

Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.

Joey Hack is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.  More of his work and the work of other hilarious people can be found in The Howling Monkey Magazine

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Friday, June 19, 2015

Guns & Money: Media Questions Gun Access, Takes Advertising Dollars

Posted By on Fri, Jun 19, 2015 at 2:12 PM

By now you've probably seen this image.



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If you haven't, yes. You're seeing things correctly. That's a sticker ad for a gun shop just above the Charleston Post and Courier's headline about the gun slaughter of nine innocents. It's a pretty tone deaf move on behalf of the paper.



Please understand. I get it. Newspapers have a lot of moving parts and sometimes you end up with unfortunate juxtapositions. Just last year a cover story I wrote about First Congo Church hit the streets with a fairly graphic ad sticker for picking up dog waste slapped on top. In spite of my best efforts to depict the congregation in a good light, I felt like I'd spread dog crap all over the sanctuary. I felt terrible but advertising money pays my mortgage, so I apologized to everybody, and moved on.



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Often — and for very good reasons— advertising and editorial departments stay out of each other's business. But this. This is different.  Every example of gun violence sells more guns. Big money. Plenty to spread around. And it's being spread around. At least the Commercial Appeal ...



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... put their full page gun ad on page 13. 



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Help Fly on the Wall Reunite Lost Hairpieces With Their Owners

Posted By on Fri, Jun 19, 2015 at 11:55 AM

We've all seen them. The flipped wig. The tumbling tumbleweave. So many hairpieces separated from their owners. Lying in some public place like a dead animal. The time has come to do something about it. Fly on the Wall is reaching out to readers and asking them not to ignore all this senseless hair loss. If you see a lost wig, or some lonely extensions, take a picture and send it to us. We'll post it in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, we can reunite some good people with their good hair. 

Just this past week I saw two heartbreaking examples of lost hair. The first was on Main St. Downtown. 

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I don't know who this Zellner guy is, but I'm pretty sure he's bragging.

This whopper is an Uptown wig. Or maybe a Schnauzer. Spotted just behind Sun Trust bank. 

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If this is your hair or you know who it belongs to, contact Fly on the Wall. If we can, we'll give you some idea as to where the hair was last seen. We can't guarantee a successful reunion because none of us are touching that. 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office Rejects New Tennessee Logo

Posted By on Thu, Jun 18, 2015 at 6:17 PM

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Not only is it crude and a little embarrassing, the controversial new Tennessee logo doesn't meet criteria for trademark. According to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office the red and blue box with the state's Tn abbreviation is too "geographically descriptive." That means a trademark could grant the holder exclusive rights to design elements that other parties need for general identification and use.

The offending element, in this case, is the state abbreviation:

TN is an abbreviation for Tennessee (see dictionary definition attached). The applicant is the State of Tennessee and the place of business is in Tennessee. Therefore, it is reasonable to believe that the services come from and are offered in Tennessee.

Like the USPTO says in the FAQ :

Under U.S. trademark law, geographic terms or signs are not registrable as trademarks if they are geographically descriptive or geographically misdescriptive of where the goods/services originate. The theory is that other producers in that area would need to be able to use a geographic term to describe where their goods/services are from and that one person should not be able to prevent others from using that term. 



Thursday, June 11, 2015

Take One More Ride on the Zippin Pippin!

Posted By on Thu, Jun 11, 2015 at 11:54 AM

A kingly thrill
  • A kingly thrill

Libertyland is long gone and the Zippin Pippin was relocated to Bay Beach Amusement Park in Wisconsin in 2010. But you can still buy a t-shirt, and now, thanks to this video by Theme Park Review, you can ride Elvis Presley's favorite roller coaster without having to visit Scott Walker country. 

Elvis Presley's Favorite Roller Coaster! The Zippin Pippin originally built in 1912 at Libertyland in Memphis was been re-built at Bay Beach Amusement Park in Wisconsin in 2010! The legend lives on!

Posted by Theme Park Review on Monday, June 8, 2015

Friday, June 5, 2015

Digital Masters: The Brooks Museum Turns its Canaletto into an Interactive Minecraft World

Posted By on Fri, Jun 5, 2015 at 11:05 PM

The Grand Canal.
  • The Grand Canal.

Memphis' Brooks Museum of Art has out-Smithsonianed the Smithsonian. Instead of installing the Art of Video Games touring exhibit as-is, the museum used the show as an opportunity to do something incredibly cool.

They took this fine Canaletto landscape from the museum's permanent collection. 
Also the Grand Canal.
  • Also the Grand Canal.
And partnered with the VoxelBox to transform it into a fully dimensional, fully populated, fully explorable Minecraft world with a soundtrack courtesy of Vivaldi. 

Several historical characters (including the composer) have been built into the game. What happens next in Virtual 18th-Century Venice is up to whoever's holding the controller.

Badass.  


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

U.S. Postal Service Issues Neverending Elvis Stamp

Posted By on Wed, Jun 3, 2015 at 12:27 PM

Old young Elvis stamp
  • Old young Elvis stamp


Okay, okay, it's technically a "forever" stamp. Same idea.
U.S. Postal Service will dedicate the new Elvis Presley forever stamp August 12. At Graceland. During Elvis Week. Can we get a "hell yeah," and an "American Trilogy," please?

#TYTYVM

Presley is only the sixth inductee in the USPS Music Icon Series, but the second Sun Studio recording artist. Johnny Cash became a forever stamp in 2013. Other icons in the series include Ray Charles, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Lydia Mendoza.  

Stamp in Black
  • Stamp in Black


Postmaster General Megan Brennan says a preview of the stamp will be available at a later date. 

Press release boilerplate from Brennan:

“Elvis is a natural addition to our Music Icon Series. His life and talents are an incredible story. Spanning from his humble beginnings in a Tupelo, Mississippi, two-room house to becoming one of the most legendary performance artists of the 20th Century, Elvis Presley’s works continues to resonate with millions the world over.”

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The obvious hashtag for tweeting and such: #ElvisForever.



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