Thursday, September 24, 2015

24 Ways Germantowners are Preparing for the Arrival of Trader Joe's

Posted By on Thu, Sep 24, 2015 at 11:39 AM

Insert Heavenly harps and angel choir music here. Or "Arthur's Theme."
  • Insert Heavenly harps and angel choir music here. Or "Arthur's Theme."

Did you hear there's a Trader Joe's coming to Germantown? (pause for laughter). Yeah, us too. But did you hear all the ways Germantown residents are preparing for the blessed event? If not, we've got you covered.

• Germantown City Council ceases throwing virgins into volcano in tribute to Haikili, who has now granted their desires.

• Massive Yacht Rock party at Chad's house!

• Setting up rest stations/credit check agencies for weary midtown travelers.  

• Installing toll booths at all Western entrances.

• Speed limit on Poplar between West Street and Forest Hill will be lowered to 3-mph.

• Another massive Yacht Rock party at Chad's house!

• Purchasing $20 cheeses to pair with Two Buck Chuck. Meanwhile...

• Every man in Germantown named Charles braces for when people start to call him "Two Buck Chuck".

• Having t-shirts, bumper stickers, yard signs and internet memes made: "A bad day at Germantown Trader Joe's is better than a good day at Murder Kroger! "

• Calling all Midtown friends and starting the conversation with, "I heard you guys finally got a Fresh Market. That's cute."

• Hiring the Whiffenpoofs of Yale to stand near the construction site and sing the praises of Trader Joe's every weekday until the store opens. Also hiring Loggins & Messina to play at...


• Merchants to open eight new pizza restaurants within a block of Trader Joe's site.

• All Midtown ex-pats will add a line about Traders Joe's to their "see, Germantown's not that bad" speech.

• Citizens begin two years researching the varieties of artisan jerky that will be available to them.

• Spies sent to the Cooper Young festival to learn how to be snobbish to "outsiders".

• Capital campaign launched to build tear cistern in Midtown as an environmentally friendly way to water Trader Joe's lawn.

• New tennis skirts and yoga pants!

• Blocking texts and voicemails from midtown/downtown friends before they start asking if you might pick up a few things, "next time you're coming to town."

• Pop up emergency grief counseling clinic in Crosstown!

• Addition of commemorative plaques marking important stops along the great white migration.

• Germantown Charity Horse Show to be renamed Germantown and Trader Joe's Are Better Than You (Horse Show).

• Publix, Winn-Dixie, H-E-B, and Piggly Wiggly are buying prime retail space in Germantown to make it West Tennessee's official Grocery District.

• Party at Chad's to feature all the white wine. And an intimate set by Michael McDonald! 

This list was made with the help of Improv superheroes, The Wiseguys. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Mongo Promises Pot Hole Repair and Kermit with a Kalashnikov

Posted By on Wed, Sep 16, 2015 at 11:25 AM

Finally, some campaign materials from Memphis' favorite space alien/candidate Prince Mongo. This bumper sticker suggests filling potholes with politician bones, which seems a little extreme. As does arming puppet frogs with machine guns. But, you know, God bless all of us. Or something. 


"Hang 'um is clear," as is, "Flush 'um." You may not see the stuff about politician bones, because it's printed so faintly across the top, but it's there. Here's a detail. 

Thursday, September 10, 2015

U of M Plans John Calipari Celebration and Other Weird Stuff

Posted By on Thu, Sep 10, 2015 at 2:39 PM

You've probably heard that the University of Memphis is moving forward with plans to honor former head basketball coach John Calipari. That's weird, right? I mean, the school's own newspaper pronounced him, "officially dead to Memphis." 


Oh well. The Calipari pep rally is just one of many surprising things the U of M has in store. Here are some more.

• University of Memphis to be rebranded as South Louisville State.

• Students who transfer to other universities will have their tuition paid for and receive a substantial signing bonus. 

Good times.
  • Good times.

• Fogelman College of Business and Economics to be renamed Sidney Shlenker School of Success.

• The Rose theatre to host a musical salute to pestilence and Yellow Fever.


• The soon to be renamed Tiger football program will host Remembering The Tennessee Oilers: a fan day. Original members of the 1997 team will attend the first quarter. 

• Free punches in the throat by University administrators. By appointment. 


• AMUM to host James Earle Ray: A Life in Photographs

What a scamp!
  • What a scamp!

• Memphis Burning: An awards dinner in appreciation of the people who set the fires during the 1978 fire fighters' strike.

• Demolish The Hell Out Of The Coliseum, a catered charette. 

• The U of M's mascot is changing. The Tigers will be replaced by Grand Wizards. To reflect the name change Nathan Bedford Forrest's statue in Health Sciences Park will be relocated to Tiger Lane. 

• To promote a healthier Memphis The U of M will sponsor a petition to change Barbecue fest to salad day.

• A monthlong tribute to Tennessee's Greatest City: Nashville.

Not an Ikea. But not a Bass Pro either.
  • Not an Ikea. But not a Bass Pro either.

• The Dana Kirk School of Propriety opens its doors in January followed by The Derrick Rose Centre for Read Good and The George Nichopoulos School of Wellness for Musicians

• A full week of events has been planned for the grand opening of the new Larry Porter Athletic Complex. It kicks off with Josh Pastner: To Hell With That Guy Day. It culminates with an assembly for alumni who will be pelted with garbage and badgered for donations.

• Community engagement events to include a Kroger parking lot picnic and family riot.

• A Thousand Points of Flight: A two-pronged art exhibit celebrating suburban expansion and the Delta/Northwest Merger

• A Segregation Homecoming.

• The U of M is also proud to announce the creation of the Robert Lipscomb Scholarship Promoting Civil and Social Planning.


UPDATE: The University of Memphis has reversed course and decided not to honor John Calipari after all. Probably because of this column and the mighty sting of our jokes. 

This post was created with help from improv comedy specialists The Wiseguys. They have a show coming up Saturday and you should go see it. 

Another Great Fast Food Sign on Union Ave.

Posted By on Thu, Sep 10, 2015 at 12:03 PM

I was so busy marveling over Arby's "Marvels of Meatcraft" sign that I failed to notice the incredibly fair deal Krystal is offering. 

  • Scott Rogers

Apparently, if you buy one you get one. That's just as equitable as it can be. And so much better than the usual fast food motto, "Buy one, get bent." 

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Sandwich or Porn Movie?

Posted By on Wed, Sep 9, 2015 at 3:07 PM


Your Pesky Fly loves a good sign and your Union Ave. Arby's delivers with "Sliders: Marvels of Meatcraft." It could be porn. It could be a History Channel special event. 
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