Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Commercial Appeal Declared a "Legend" Following Story About Frat Bro's Date with a Porn Star

Posted By on Wed, Feb 24, 2016 at 1:22 PM

For maximum enjoyment press play on this video before reading. 


It's not the stuff of a Pulitzer Prize winning series, but a digital report on the Commercial Appeal's website is receiving attention across social media for recounting the epic tale of UT Knoxville student and Sigma Chi frat brother Patrick Goswitz, who invited porn star Cherry Morgan to a formal dance this weekend. 

This is what a legendary legend looks like.
  • This is what a legendary legend looks like.

"UT fraternity brother declared ‘a legend’ for date with porn star," was originally published by the Knoxville News Sentinel and tells the touching story of young Goswitz who was, in fact, described as a "legend," as a result of his date with Morgan, the Knoxville-based actress famous for appearing in adult films where, like many porn stars, she gives blowjobs to plumbers, pizza guys and other dudes who deliver.  (WARNING: LINK VERY NSFW).

"Goswitz told [Dan] Regester [of the website Total Frat Move] via an Instagram interview uploaded on TFM that he had invited Morgan to the formal via a message on Facebook and she sent him "her digits" and accepted."

The saga of Goswitz and Morgan is told using quotes from blogs and social media and is most notable for containing the worst sentence in the history of print journalism: "Goswitz told [Dan] Regester [of the website Total Frat Move] via an Instagram interview uploaded on TFM that he had invited Morgan to the formal via a message on Facebook and she sent him "her digits" and accepted."

As it happens, people with internet connections and Google alerts for Cherry Morgan had many newsworthy things  to say about the hot date. One person wrote, "Atta boy." Another said, "Lucky guy!" A third anonymous commenter wrote "Good for him," while a somewhat sadder post read, "I would consider myself legendary to even bring a girl to meet my family."

This is easily the greatest thing the CA has published since yesterday's breaking story about how how nicotine makes it hard to quit smoking. 

12744422_10208543349760158_700354506783776330_n.jpg

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Friday, February 19, 2016

The Best (Untapped) Parking Spots in Memphis

Posted By on Fri, Feb 19, 2016 at 3:37 PM

It's time someone said it: The Memphis Zoo is the Kanye West of Memphis tourist attractions. The Zoo innovates. It may be controversial, but the Zoo doesn't wait for progress to come to them. Where other institutions said, "You can't park there because that is not a parking space," the Memphis Zoo effectively said, "You can park anywhere you damn well please. You are a Zoo patron, and Zoo patrons make their own fates." 

We hear you, Memphis Zoo. We have captured your innovative spirit and come up with a list of the other best (currently untapped) Memphis parking spots.

~ ~The Ultimate Best Undiscovered Parking Spots in Memphis~ ~ 

1. Elvis's Grave at Graceland 

When are we all gonna wake up and smell the peanut butter banana honey bacon sandwiches? He's been dead a long time. It's high time we should be able to park on this sweet patch of land. 

Now: 

elvis_grave_66_2.jpg
Better: 
afterelvis_grave_66_2.jpg

2. The Lobby of the Peabody Hotel 

Ducks should be on a menu, not on a red carpet. What should be on a red carpet is a brand new SUV. 

Now: 
duck_march_asstdm_doug_weatherford.jpg

When things are right with the world: 
afterducks.jpg

3. Inside the Orpheum Theater

This is a no-brainer. Downtown parking is packed. People sometimes have to walk blocks (whole blocks!) to their destination. The solution is clear. 

Current embarrassment: 
orph3.jpg
Future triumph: 
afterrph3.jpg

4. The FedExForum 

We grind hard. So why should we be forced to park in a neighboring garage? Why should we be made miserable, like people who don't know our rights? 

Just look at this sad image: 
grizzlies-in.jpg
Now look at this happy one: 
aftergrizzlies-in_copy.jpg

Case closed. Park wild, Memphis. 

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Thursday, February 11, 2016

Memphis Zoo's Tiger Says He Isn't Sorry

Don't mess with the Mohan. Critics describe the big cat as "A tone deaf asshole"

Posted By on Thu, Feb 11, 2016 at 1:29 PM

Scene of the crime
  • Scene of the crime
Mohan, the male Sumatran tiger on loan to the Sacramento Zoo from Memphis says he doesn't feel the least bit bad about actions resulting in the death of female Sumatran tiger Baha.

"Am I sorry for killing her," Mohan asks rhetorically. "Well, it's regrettable, I suppose, that some people's feelings have been hurt as a result of what happened yesterday. But c'mon. I'm a fucking tiger. I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."

Mohan, was physically introduced to his "potential mate" Baha for the first time on Wednesday. Instead of breeding, the Memphis tiger became aggressive. Things escalated quickly and although the two big cats were soon separated, a mortal blow had been struck.

    "I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."

"It's easy for people on one side of an issue to call the other side a bully," Mohan explains. "But the law of the jungle is very clear on this particular issue. It's also important to understand that there was a small group of other tigers who wanted to prevent this mating from happening the way it needed to happen. And by 'small group,' I mean Baha."

Frustrated Tiger experts claim Mohan and Baha had been living next door to each other for over a month and were were exhibiting signs that it was time for a physical introduction. 

"You've got to remember," Mohan concludes. "I'm a professional tiger with 12-years experience. I know a couple of things about mating with females. I've been taking care of business for a long time. If she thinks, after a month and change, she can just stalk in here with those stripes, and tell me where I can and can't park my stuff, she's wrong. Dead wrong. Pun intended. Just because you've successfully bred with three other partners is no reason to think you have some special rights to your feline reproductive system."


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