Sunday, July 24, 2016

Donald the Great

Republicans have no solutions. Neither did Cleveland’s protesters

Posted By on Sun, Jul 24, 2016 at 9:43 AM


What separates us from animals, really? Elephants mourn their dead. Monkeys use tools. Octopi are creative problem solvers able to escape the tightest fixes. Even pigeons, filthy as they are, choose monogamy and mate for life. That leaves people with one thing — Self-delusion. And nowhere is this tendency more evident than motivational speaking events where famous and near famous people like former Minnesota Viking Fran Tarkenton dance to inspirational music, quote Vince Lombardi and tell ordinary schmoes the only person standing between themselves and the wealth we all deserve, is the person in the mirror. On second thought, it’s probably more evident at a Republican National Convention where delegates literally wrap themselves in the flag, pretend to care about minorities their platform is almost certainly designed to harm. In Cleveland last week, where Jersey Governor Chris Christie incited a slobbering mob, and G.E. Smith's band cranked out AC/DC covers between speakers, it was sometimes hard to make distinctions. “USA, USA, USA!”

On the closing night of the 2016 RNC, in the rust belt metropolis of Cleveland Ohio, presidential nominee Donald J. Trump tricked conservatives into golf-applauding a brave plea to not mass murder members of the L-G-B-T- Q community. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that brave, or even a plea, exactly. But that’s what passes for progress in the Ghastly Old Party with its explicitly heteronormative platform. It was a weird moment in a long, smug address that played out like an infomercial for the “Blue Collar Billionaire,” who grew his fortune through bankruptcy after bankruptcy, leaving investors to hold the bag for his profitable profligacy. To borrow from daughter Ivanka’s media-approved “smart” and “savvy”speech, you’ve got to judge the man by his results. He’s loaded, right?

While cliche protesters waved ignorant signs about Trump being the antichrist, chanting the same lame chants they’ve been chanting for decades, Trump, who knows a thing or two about get rich quick scams (cough-Trump University-cough) promised to make America rich again — FAST. That’s got to be an appealing message in a desperate place like Cleveland which was named the poorest big city in America in 2004. A decade later 1 in 3 Clevelanders still lived in poverty, and as Trump noted, it’s been a long time since anybody who wasn’t rich to begin with has seen a pay raise. Easy pickings for a master scammer who knows the con can’t work without establishing a modicum of trust and good feelings.

Let them eat Trump Steaks.

Misleading facts about poverty within the Latino community were accompanied by comments broadly linking Mexican immigrants to heinous crimes. He blamed President Barack Obama for racism, and African-American’s generally for violence in the streets. He said he would be this campaign’s “law and order” president, echoing tropes of Nixon’s 1968 campaign. Nixon used “Law and Order,” to capitalize on white paranoia brought to a fever pitch by Civil Rights marches, and urban riots like the one that tore Detroit apart after police raided an African-American club called The Blind Pig, igniting a powder keg of generations old marginalization. Trump’s doing the same, but with less diplomacy and grace.


Racial tensions have yielded a lot of nonsense talk comparing 2016 to 1968 even though the two years are nothing alike. For example, in 1968 America was embroiled in a deadly, heavily televised war in Vietnam. These days drones do most of our civilian killing, and all the action happens comfortably off screen, out of mind, and outside the context of a formal military conflict. So, in the absence of righteous fury, middle America can wallow in the unrighteous kind and Trump’s acceptance speech received some of its best applause when he promised to be the law and order candidate and end this reign of minority terror — FAST!

The unanswered question to most of Trump’s vague proposals: How? How will he make America rich — “FAST!”? How will a Federal executive end violence — “FAST!”? Does he really think he’s running for CEO in chief?

Critics have described his acceptance speech as being too dark. Fans have described it as brutally honest but hopeful. Better descriptives would be empty, incoherent and delusional. To his credit, there’s an enormous constituency for that.  

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Rep. Jeremy "Pants Candy" Durham Merits Expulsion From Tennessee General Assembly

Posted By on Wed, Jul 13, 2016 at 9:13 PM

Jeremy Durham AKA "Pants Candy"
  • Jeremy Durham AKA "Pants Candy"
File under wow.

Rep Jeremy Durham (R-Duh) looks to be a special kind of icky creeper, and a report from Tennessee's attorney general finds his behavior merits expulsion from the General Assembly. Not that anybody's expelling him or anything. 

According to the AG's report Durham was nicknamed "Pants Candy" by one of the 22 women with whom he had inappropriate sexual encounters. His partners had been reluctant to complain for fear of losing their jobs. Lobbyists, interns and executive assistants also worried they's lose favor with the GOP caucus

How did Durham earn the nickname Pants Candy? He kept a dish of candy on his desk. When asked for a piece he reached in his front pocket and fished suggestively for an unwrapped mint. "You don't want those, I've got this," he was quoted as saying.

The legislator's political fate is being left in the discerning hands of District 65 voters. 


Monday, July 11, 2016

No Child Transplant Patients Were Harmed as a Result of Memphis' #BLM Protest

Posted By on Mon, Jul 11, 2016 at 11:37 AM

Memphis 7-10-16 - CHRIS DAVIS
  • Chris Davis
  • Memphis 7-10-16
There's a sad story making the rounds on Social Media, built to function as a counter-narrative to more positive depictions of Sunday's peaceful Black Lives Matter demonstration. The short take: It's total B.S. But there's a longer take too, and here it is.

Via Snopes:
 "The story of the Black Lives Matter protest in Memphis and the child transplant patient bore many red flags of a parable and not a true story: the child in question was never identified by name, and the circumstances of his or her death (the gender varied) were unreported by the media despite being highly newsworthy. The only detail included the post, one announcing that the supposedly dead child was black, was tacked on as an afterthought — an ironic point intended to drive home a moral one."

You can read the whole thing here.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

MATA CEO Still Not Sure When Burgers Will Be Done

Posted By on Tue, Jul 5, 2016 at 11:58 AM

Try the potato salad.
  • Try the potato salad.
It’s Tuesday, July 5 and MATA CEO Ron Garrison still can’t say when the hamburgers he was grilling for an Independence Day cookout will be done. Just over 10-pounds of pre-formed ground beef patties and six packages of Oscar Meyer "classic style" hotdogs were purchased Saturday, July 2nd to provide food for guests at Garrison's 4th of July party. A charcoal fire was lit at approximately 2 p.m., Monday, and a rustic wooden picnic table was spread with chips, dips, slaw, baked beans, and three different kinds of potato salad.

As of 10 a.m. Tuesday, July 5, no hamburgers or hotdogs had been served.

“I’m hungry,” partygoer Cara Street said, as she and her husband Beale watched the sun come up Tuesday morning. “I know Ron’s cooking just as fast as he can, but seriously, what the hell? These are pre-formed hamburger patties and hot dogs, it’s not like he’s making Chili en Nogada, or Coq au Vin. It’s not even like he’s making bratwursts.”

Garrison’s friend Bobby, who helped light the charcoal using his surefire dryer lint technique, says the meal was delayed as a result of safety concerns. “Everybody wants to get a nice sear on their burgers,” he explained. “But what’s really important is the internal temperature of the meat.”

“We’re making progress, but cannot give a definite timeline on either the burgers, or the dogs,” Garrison said, dipping his grill mop into a pot of Wicker’s. 

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Woman Stabbed for Spilling Cheese Dip; It Wasn't Even Pancho's

Posted By on Sun, Jul 3, 2016 at 12:21 PM


There needs to be an addendum to the old saying, "Don't cry over spilled milk." Don't stab people over spilled cheese dip, especially if it's not Pancho's.

Seriously, don't do that. 

A 35-year-old Memphis woman was rushed into surgery at Methodist hospital this morning after she wrecked a car she was driving to the emergency room.  She'd been stabbed by another woman who, according to reports, became unreasonably upset after the victim spilled a container of Rotel the two women were sharing with an unidentified male.


Friday, July 1, 2016

Zoo President Shot After Falling Into Gorilla Enclosure

Posted By on Fri, Jul 1, 2016 at 7:05 PM

Former friends Chuck & MJ
  • Former friends Chuck & MJ
Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want  everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense."

According to Myst, Brady is "genetically hardwired" to be a dick. "This isn't really about the gorillas," she says. "If he hadn't been taken out of the picture quickly and efficiently, there's no doubt in my mind he'd have done tremendous self-inflicted damage to himself and to the zoo." 

Eyewitness and longtime Memphis Zoo member Clondyke Barr confirms Myst's assessment. "Brady spoke some really mean and, to my mind, completely unnecessary words to those gorillas. But he didn't seem dangerous," he says. "But then it was like he just couldn't help himself. Outta nowhere he chest bumps the hell outta this big monkey. Starts yelling about the status quo, and how little obese and crippled children shouldn't have to walk. Stuff like that. It was embarrassing as hell."

"He may have seemed reasonable to people who can't read CEO body language," Myst elaborates. "But we've spent years studying these creatures. They expect to be rewarded whether they make good decisions or bad decisions, and given a choice between any conciliatory action or pure assfaced dickery, we have strong reasons to believe that Brady will always choose the later. He'll tear the whole place apart — gorillas and all — and then expect someone to throw him some Monterey Jack cheese cubes."

Reports from the Zoo infirmary suggests that Brady, having no heart to stop, will make a full recovery and go on to bigger and better things in the future. "That's a completely natural outcome," Myst says.

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