Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Memphis Isn't America's Sweatiest City

Posted By on Tue, Jul 31, 2018 at 10:31 AM

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Cold comfort seems like the wrong way to describe this latest news.

But the mercury is climbing again, as we head into August and as our pits and upper lips go dewey and our thighs turn into cheese factories, we can all be thankful that we live in Memphis, and not one of the nine American cities that, according to a new report, are even nastier.

Honeywell Fans partnered with consultants from Environmental Health & Engineering to create the definitive sweaty city list based on a set of criteria that includes "humidity levels, length of summer and access to shade." Shockingly, Memphis barely cracked the top ten.

As it happens, your Pesky Fly is a misery tourist who's visited every single furnace on Honeywell's top 10. So, instead of simply sharing the list, I've included some thoughts about each location.

1. Orlando, Florida — Anybody who's ever stood in line at Disney World knows that Orlando can be peeing-your-pants-while-drinking-coffee-in-hell miserable. But as hot and bug-infested as Orlando may seem, it's easy to maintain a smile and cheerful demeanor by reminding yourself that at least you're not in Tampa. 

2. New Orleans, Louisiana — Let's be honest. Regardless of Honeywell's methodology, fewer experiences produce more sweat for the least amount of effort, than standing roadside on Carrollton, waiting for an afternoon streetcar. NOLA is probably at least as sticky, buggy, and stultifying as Orlando most days, but everybody's having too good of a time to care.

3. Phoenix, Arizona — There is a place where dry heat meets the dry heaves. That place is Phoenix.

4. Dallas, Texas — Being in Dallas in the summer is like being in a prison movie where the sadistic warden punishes everybody by locking them in a boiler room and cranking the juice.

5. Las Vegas, Nevada — Like somebody covered Dallas in glitter and feathers.

6. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma — How this place clocks in at No. 5 is a mystery. The heat is like a blazing fist that reaches down your throat and rips out your tongue.

7. Kansas City, Missouri — I honestly don't remember KC being all that hot. But I was in a brisket coma.

8. Austin, Texas —  Cooler than Dallas in most regards.

9. Atlanta, Georgia — One of America's most miserable rush hours. Thankfully, there's a proper bar at every exit of the commute.

10. Memphis, Tennessee — There are nine places sweatier than Memphis. And besides, who's got time for weather talk when we have Bird Scooters to complain about?

Friday, July 13, 2018

Commercial Appeal Sees Blurry Future for Ivan Rabb: Dammit!

Posted By on Fri, Jul 13, 2018 at 10:51 AM

The Gannett owned Commercial Appeal has asked readers an important question: "Where will Ivan Rabb fit in?"
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Judging by the portrait of Dillon Brooks, Rabb will be the blurry power forward in the top-right background. Dammit. 
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Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Body Double: Trump's Other Memphis Connection

Posted By on Wed, Jul 11, 2018 at 5:11 PM

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Of course, we all remember the time Donald Trump cost 2,500 Memphians their jobs. Don't we? You know, that time when the POTUS of today totally went after Holiday Inn like it was NATO? No? Well, it happened, and here's a link. That inglorious moment isn't Trump's only Memphis connection either. It's certainly not the weirdest. That distinction may belong to this little gem right here. It's not new information, but it's new to us and exactly the kind of thing we here at Fly on the Wall like to pass along.

There's no giving this devil his due here. The Donald in Chief says "fake news," when he means, "news I don't like." But way out there on the fringes of this textbook B.S. there is — as there always is with presidents and other public figures — plenty of grotesque caricature, propaganda, and general misrepresentation; all magnified in a politically polarized, social media environment.The modern myth-busters at Snopes.com have compiled a list of photo-manipulations that have been widely shared on the W.W. web. Some of them impossibly flattering, some not so flattering. In the latter category, among the most recognizable is an image that's been used to make the golf and fast food-loving POTUS appear even more bloated and slovenly than he is in real life. Turns out, in this instance, Trump's nearly crimson face has been pasted onto the body of Memphis' infamous bad-boy pro golfer, John Daly. And yeah, in the original Big John's teeing off while puffing on a cigarette. Like you do. If you're John Fucking Daly.
John Fucking Daly
  • John Fucking Daly
This isn't the first time internet artists have recognized Daly's viral potential. It all began when somebody unearthed this photo, which is basically a Renaissance painting.
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