Monday, October 22, 2018

WMC Has Something to Say About Uranus

Posted By on Mon, Oct 22, 2018 at 5:55 PM

Gaze upon Uranus!
  • Gaze upon Uranus!
I think we have to assume the folks at WMC TV, Channel 5, knew exactly what they were doing when they titled this Breakdown segment, "Why Uranus is Visible Without Binoculars."
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Friday, October 19, 2018

Great Works of Literature as Written by the Shelby Co. Election Commission

With Help from The Memphis City Council

Posted By on Fri, Oct 19, 2018 at 12:22 PM

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Emboldened by national attention resulting from the careful and creative wording of current ballot amendments, the Shelby County Election Commission has committed considerable time and evident talent to improving the greatest works of world literature. While Fly on the Wall has yet to see a completed text, 5 first line samples were leaked this morning, revealing the epic scope of the Commission's City Council-aided writing project.

via GIPHY

Moby- Dick
Herman Melville with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall Ishmael serve as a common spoken or chirographic signifier not expressly for greeting, but sometimes for gaining the narrator’s attention?”

via GIPHY

Gravity's Rainbow
Thomas Pynchon with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall the sky elect to not to retain its natural silence, in favor of free expression, horizon to horizon?”

via GIPHY

Fahrenheit 451
Ray Bradbury with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall the combustibility of literature, as it stands with all officers and offices engaging in the combustion procedure, be any reason to limit terms of pleasure?”

via GIPHY

A Tale of Two Cities
Charles Dickens with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall we claim, of the times between 1770 and 1794, that each individual year, and the age collectively, was both better and worse than any other age pursuant to its wisdom, foolishness, belief, incredulity, lightness, darkness, hope, despair, and to the various seasons to which these qualities may be poetically associated?

via GIPHY

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream
Hunter S. Thompson with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall we agree that when the drugs took hold, all persons who had selected drugs, were in San Bernardino, east of Apple Valley but west of Needles and not so far north as to constitute the municipal boundaries of the city of Barstow?”
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Yes, this is a parody. Didn't you see the orange tab at the top of the page?

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Tumbleweave Returns

Posted By on Wed, Oct 3, 2018 at 12:57 PM

Not the "baby" in question, but ain't she sweet?
  • Not the "baby" in question, but ain't she sweet?
It's been a while since your Pesky Fly reported on Memphis' rolling tumbleweave crisis. Then again, it's been a while since the city has seen a Nextdoor exchange like this one.

Under the topic "Dead Animal," someome writes "There is a dead animal in the middle of McLean before Central just wonder if this baby is anyone's pet."

Nah. Just somebody's good hair having a bad day. 
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Via: 

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Men at War

Old Friends Won't Let Women Bring Them Down

Posted By on Wed, Oct 3, 2018 at 11:31 AM

Armstrong & Cox - G.O. OGLEIMAGE
  • G.O. Ogleimage
  • Armstrong & Cox
Gunner Armstrong shakes his head, and digs into his backpack to retrieve a freshly purchased bottle of pepper spray. “I don’t know how effective this stuff is,” he mumbles, pulling on his reading glasses and skimming the directions. “I had a friend in college who would get a couple of beers in him and squirt it in his mouth like it was breath freshener.”

Like many manly men today, Armstrong lives in abject terror. “You never can be too careful with women being what they are,” he says, expressing an increasingly common, and deeply masculine sentiment. At least twice a week Armstrong says he finds himself walking a block or more past his house, keys clenched firmly in his fist like claws, because he’s convinced a woman is following him home, possibly to accuse him of harassment. “At some point I’ll find a nice bright street light and stop there to pretend like I'm taking a phone call or something. I'll just let them walk on past, you know?” Armstrong says. “It’s probably all in my imagination. But like dad always said: better safe than hungover and accused of some bullshit you totally don’t remember doing.”
Personal security coach Archer Cox doesn’t think Armstrong’s taking the threat seriously enough. “If you’re not wearing a body cam and packing a taser, you’re not prepared for this fight,” he says. “Look, Gunner’s my bud and I used to be just like him. I took some self defense classes. Got my yellow belt. Got to where I’d take alternative routes home from the bar to avoid running into any of those lady joggers who were always making comments about how I shouldn’t be looking them. Saying things to me. Hurtful things. But none of those things I did to protect myself stopped this one woman from calling me a ‘peeper’ on Facebook, all because I was awesome and surprised her at her window one morning with a egg and sausage plate from down at the Touch & Go.”

Armstrong has a theory. “I’ve heard this is all a kind of revenge because they don’t make as much money as we do. And if things keep going this way I don’t think they ever will,” he says, opening the front door of MacBoobies, a Scottish-themed watering hole in Midtown where Armstrong is having drinks with Cox, and some other friends from work. “It’s gotten to where just having a penis paints a target on your back, it’s practically against the law,” he says, visibly agitated and determined to get hammered.

After several rounds of beer the men settle into playing a drinking game called Devil’s Triangle. “It’s kinda like quarters,” Cox explains. “Only if you cuss at any time you have to call your mother on speaker phone and apologize for being a naughty boy with a dirty, dirty mouth.” A waitress named Tina, who’s been cut from her shift politely intervenes and attempts to close out the table’s check.

“Did you want to put the tip on your card?” she asks.

“Oh, don’t worry sweetie, I’ve got a tip for you right here,” Cox quips, causing everybody at the table to laugh except for Tina, who rolls her eyes and walks away sans gratuity.

“Gonna stumble home now,” Armstrong says, pulling out his pepper spray, and screwing up his courage.

“I’ll walk with you,” Cox answers, holding onto Armstrong’s shoulder to keep from falling down. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

If there is a war in America's streets, these two old friends are determined to face the worst of it together. "I've got you," Armstrong says.

"And I've got you, babe," Cox answers. "I've got you."

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*Yes, there is a parody tab at the top of the column.
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