Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Memphis Isn't America's Sweatiest City

Posted By on Tue, Jul 31, 2018 at 10:31 AM

Cold comfort seems like the wrong way to describe this latest news.

But the mercury is climbing again, as we head into August and as our pits and upper lips go dewey and our thighs turn into cheese factories, we can all be thankful that we live in Memphis, and not one of the nine American cities that, according to a new report, are even nastier.

Honeywell Fans partnered with consultants from Environmental Health & Engineering to create the definitive sweaty city list based on a set of criteria that includes "humidity levels, length of summer and access to shade." Shockingly, Memphis barely cracked the top ten.

As it happens, your Pesky Fly is a misery tourist who's visited every single furnace on Honeywell's top 10. So, instead of simply sharing the list, I've included some thoughts about each location.

1. Orlando, Florida — Anybody who's ever stood in line at Disney World knows that Orlando can be peeing-your-pants-while-drinking-coffee-in-hell miserable. But as hot and bug-infested as Orlando may seem, it's easy to maintain a smile and cheerful demeanor by reminding yourself that at least you're not in Tampa. 

2. New Orleans, Louisiana — Let's be honest. Regardless of Honeywell's methodology, fewer experiences produce more sweat for the least amount of effort, than standing roadside on Carrollton, waiting for an afternoon streetcar. NOLA is probably at least as sticky, buggy, and stultifying as Orlando most days, but everybody's having too good of a time to care.

3. Phoenix, Arizona — There is a place where dry heat meets the dry heaves. That place is Phoenix.

4. Dallas, Texas — Being in Dallas in the summer is like being in a prison movie where the sadistic warden punishes everybody by locking them in a boiler room and cranking the juice.

5. Las Vegas, Nevada — Like somebody covered Dallas in glitter and feathers.

6. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma — How this place clocks in at No. 5 is a mystery. The heat is like a blazing fist that reaches down your throat and rips out your tongue.

7. Kansas City, Missouri — I honestly don't remember KC being all that hot. But I was in a brisket coma.

8. Austin, Texas —  Cooler than Dallas in most regards.

9. Atlanta, Georgia — One of America's most miserable rush hours. Thankfully, there's a proper bar at every exit of the commute.

10. Memphis, Tennessee — There are nine places sweatier than Memphis. And besides, who's got time for weather talk when we have Bird Scooters to complain about?

Thursday, October 26, 2017

WalletHub Knows Nothing About Memphis, Halloween, Study Shows

Posted By on Thu, Oct 26, 2017 at 1:03 PM

The click-listical compilers at WalletHub ranked Memphis low on a survey of fun places to celebrate Halloween because of our high crime rate.
Source: WalletHub
Or does that make us the best place to celebrate Halloween, WalletHub? Muhahahahahaha!

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Memphis is Ugly. Cleveland Still Uglier, According to BS List

Posted By on Thu, Apr 27, 2017 at 1:28 PM

Hey look, another bullshit list for people to click on and argue about. This time Memphis has been named the 9th ugliest city in America. Based on what criteria?

Jesus, do you really care?


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Memphis is All Kinds of Scary

Posted By on Wed, Oct 9, 2013 at 2:33 PM

  • BOO!

You've probably heard about the new report based on statistics from the Federal Bureau of Investigation that, thanks to a nice big boost from Memphis, ranks Tennessee as the number one violent crime capital in America. Pretty scary, right?

But did you notice that Fox News has ranked Memphis’ Orpheum as one of the world’s top 10 haunted theaters alongside the Paris Opera House and Theatre Royal Drury Lane?

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Hog & Hominy to Become the First Restaurant Honored with a Nobel Peace Prize

Posted By on Thu, Sep 5, 2013 at 9:37 AM

These peanuts will change you... And the world.
  • These peanuts will change you... And the world.
Okay, that headline was completely false and misleading, but last week Hog & Hominy was named among the "5 Best New Restaurants in the South" by Southern Living. This is the latest list, and perhaps even the last list that the year-old restaurant can possibly be placed on.

H&H was named one of GQ's Most Outstanding Restaurants; chefs Andrew Ticer and Michael Hudman were among Food & Wine's Best New Chefs; and its staff was listed as the number one Plaid-wearingest staff in America by American Plaidwearers Magazine.

Okay, maybe the last bit isn't true either, but the Southern Living honor cements Hog & Hominy as the most important restaurant in Memphis, if not the world, and it won't be long before food nerds start writing fan fiction, while Poutine, and other delicious H&H menu items begin to emerge as popular baby names. Write it down.

Friday, July 5, 2013

CNN Names Earnestine & Hazel's one of 9 Classic "Dive Bars"

Posted By on Fri, Jul 5, 2013 at 12:05 PM

CNN thinks Memphis' Earnestine & Hazel's is one of America's best dive bars. And while most of us who live in the Bluff City can probably imagine sets of criteria that might place the ambiance-laden joint somewhat lower in the rankings even on a list of Memphis dives, it's still a well-deserved honor.

The most interesting thing about this development, however, is the comment thread that seems to suggest that no bars on the list can be "real dive bars," by virtue of being included on the list. (How Heisenbergian!)

Although the days have long past since one might contract syphilis from the ice cubes (to borrow an image from John Kennedy Toole), perhaps some denizens of the South Main tavern can chime in, and assure CNN's viewers/readers that, for everything else it may or may not be, E&H is, without a doubt, a dive that reeks of heavenly burgers, and, though less literally, vintage copulation.

UPDATE: E&H is getting a lot of love this week. just named the Soul Burger one of the nation's best. Hat tip to WPTY/WLMT's Cameron Harper (@NewsCam on your Twitter machine) for sharing.

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