Parody

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Tour Brings Memphis’ Historic Parking Lot District to Life

Posted By on Wed, May 31, 2017 at 10:58 AM

Development as Metaphor
  • Development as Metaphor
Bing Hampton plants himself in what he describes as “the spiritual epicenter,” of Memphis’ Pinch district, in front of an iconic piece of architecture, and a humble sign reading, “PAY HERE IN ADVANCE.” Once settled, the activist turned entrepreneur begins a colorful, expletive-laden folk tale about a, “mighty pyramid-shaped fishing lure,” built by Memphis’ civic leaders to win favor with the professional sports franchise Gods. Growing more excited with every word he tells the stories of brave young men with bulldozers who flattened all the crappy antique buildings that once blighted that stretch of N. Main, and laid down a lush carpet of asphalt for overflow sports fans to park on. As the founder, CEO, and lone employee of $5-Parking Lot Tours, Hampton worries that new plans to redevelop Memphis's first commercial district will result in the loss of some of the city’s most historically important pavement.

Hampton's passionate about his topic and walks the lot like a minister, dropping knowledge as he goes. “Only the finest white and yellow pigment was used,” he shouts. “It’s widely accepted that Pinch-style striping set a new standard for affordable surface rental.”

Parking wasn't the only thing going on in the pinch in the 90's and early 2000's.“You could purchase all sorts of goods and services here,” Hampton says. “You could get your windows washed, pick up a loose cigarette, and maybe get a good deal on a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD. One time I bought a whole case of 60-watt light bulbs for $3.”

The urge to preserve is relatively new to Hampton. “I think I first started paying attention to what was going on in 2013 when they tore down the Taco Bell that had been built on top of the Taliesyn Ballroom where the Sex Pistols played on their disastrous 1978 American tour," he says. "Then they went built a brand new Taco Bell on top of all that. Where does that kind of madness end?”

Hampton’s a realist. “I don’t expect to save all these beautiful old parking lots,” he says, noting how empty, and quiet everything is nowadays — how clean the air is now that there’s no good reason to choke the district with automobiles. “It really is a paved-over paradise,” he says. “And I know they’ll never replace it with anything half as nice.”



Thursday, May 18, 2017

Bartender Turns Off TV During Band Set, World Ends

Posted By on Thu, May 18, 2017 at 2:35 PM

Kablooie
  • Kablooie
The world ended Wed, May 17, 2017 when Ima Moran, a part time bartender at Shenanigans, accidentally turned off the TV while attempting to change channels.

“I knew better,” Moran was quoted as saying as she fell deeper and deeper into the endless abyss. “Even though it seems like a distraction and a terrible discourtesy, you’re never, ever, ever supposed to turn the TV off while the band is playing. But I never dreamed something like this could happen.”

Ike Anteven, a regular at the Cordova watering hole, blames himself. “You know, I’m not all that into music,” he explained just before he froze to death. “I thought maybe Ima could see if there was a good game on or something. If I’d just been content reading the FOX news crawler, everything would be normal now and not, AAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!”

Edianna Crusier, vocalist for the popular Dark Side Band had a more positive spin on the situation: “I always said, just one time — just one goddamn time before I die — I wish they’d turn the TV off while we’re playing.”

Physics professor Barnaby Jones says nobody’s sure what kept the Earth from exploding when bands played in taverns and dance halls prior to the invention of the TV. “It’s a mystery,” he said as his head was sliced off in a sudden debris storm.

Jesus it's getting cold. I...

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

US Military to Weaponize Alligators Trump Announces

Posted By on Tue, May 2, 2017 at 11:38 AM

Artist's rendering by POTUS
  • Artist's rendering by POTUS
"It's just a tremendous thing you can do with these animals," President Donald Trump told a hastily assembled group of top military officials. "They're like living dinosaurs, it's just the most amazing thing you've ever seen."

Inspired by a half-remembered song about former president Andrew Jackson's victory at the Battle of New Orleans, Trump laid out a plan to expand the American military by rounding up alligators and turning them into rocket launchers.

"It's an incredible natural resource," the President said of the threatened species. "What Jackson did with them — amazing really — is he'd fill their head with cannon balls. Such a good idea. One of the best I've ever heard. Then he'd take the gunpowder and — well, I'm sure everybody can guess where that went. Little fire. Bam! Japanese never knew what hit them."

Trump asked an aide to lower the room lights then asked the assembled group to close their eyes and imagine with him. "Imagine you're North Korea," he said. "And one day you look up and all you can see is alligators falling from the sky shooting rockets out of their mouths.

"That's Jackson for you," the President concluded, admiringly. "Ahead of his time. Fine looking head of hair too." 
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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Memphis as Fake: Top 5 Fly on the Wall Parodies of 2016

Posted By on Wed, Dec 14, 2016 at 2:31 PM

Fake news has been getting a bad rap, and it's about time too. But, as this column will hopefully (and helpfully!) illustrate, not all fake news is created equal. (Equally?) Anyway, it's not all the same. And while your pesky Fly on the Wall trucks primarily in reality, news parodies have always been one of the site's most popular components. Occasionally we fool people, but that's never the goal, and unlike all that other fake news out there, you can tell our facts from our fiction by the "parody" tab at the top of the page.

Judging by this year's most liked and shared parodies Fly on the Wall readers are a twisted, artistically-minded bunch with a taste for dumb puns and dark slapstick. You're my kind of people and, in order of ascending popularity, your favorites were...
Rock on.
  • Rock on.

5. When Memphians started painting rocks and hiding them like Easter eggs...
Memphis Facing Severe Unpainted Rock Crisis

It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning and 87-year-old Tony Lancilunghi would normally be roaming the city with his rolling shopping cart in search of the city's flattest, roundest stones. Lancilunghi is a competitive stone skipper, who hadn't missed a day's practice since he was seven years old. Until last week, anyway, when the old timer says he took up whittling.

"I didn't know there was some rule about taking more than one," he spits defiantly. "I saw some of them were painted up to look like the California Raisins, but I don't give two hoots about any of that hippity-hop mess." Click to continue...
A very serious person.
  • A very serious person.
4. When people thought a Black Lives Matters protest was too disruptive...

Polite East Memphis Demonstration Goes Unnoticed

Members of the Nice Lives Matter movement have expressed mild, thoughtfully worded disappointment that their orderly, single-file march down Tuckahoe Rd from S. Goodlett to Perkins Ext., and back again, was completely ignored and accomplished nothing. Click to continue...
Scene of the crime.
  • Scene of the crime.
3. When a Memphis tiger did nothing for the city's reputation...

Memphis Zoo's Tiger Says He Isn't Sorry

Mohan, the male Sumatran tiger on loan to the Sacramento Zoo from Memphis says he doesn't feel the least bit bad about actions resulting in the death of female Sumatran tiger Baha.

"Am I sorry for killing her," Mohan asks rhetorically. "Well, it's regrettable, I suppose, that some people's feelings have been hurt as a result of what happened yesterday. But c'mon. I'm a fucking tiger. I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird." Click to continue...
BFFs no more.
  • BFFs no more.
2. When dicks go rogue...

Zoo President Shot After Falling Into Gorilla Enclosure

Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense." Click to continue...
When the going gets weird...
  • When the going gets weird...
1. When Donald Trump was elected POTUS...

Trump Taps Prince Mongo For Secretary of the Interior

In a surprise 3 a.m. announcement President-elect Donald J. Trump said notorious alien/Memphian Prince Mongo would join his cabinet as Secretary of the Interior. Click to continue...

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Trump Taps Prince Mongo For Secretary of the Interior

Posted By on Thu, Nov 10, 2016 at 8:01 AM

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In a surprise 3 a.m. announcement President-elect Donald J. Trump said notorious alien/Memphian Prince Mongo would  join his cabinet as Secretary of the Interior.

"Oh spirits, this was such a wonderful surprise," says Mongo, who's dabbled in Memphis politics for much of his life on Earth, but never held office. "The President-elect said he was looking around on Facebook, just killing a little time, and he saw my new profile picture, and knew I was the spirit for the job."

Mongo admits he was surprised to discover that, while the position is called "Secretary of the Interior," much of his job concerned land management, parks, and the the great outdoors.

"All I know is we're gonna do some decorating," Mongo said excitedly. "I've already got plans for the Grand Canyon that involves miles and miles of clothesline, and some really beautiful underpants designed for larger women."

According to Mongo his conversation with Trump was short but good.

"He asked where I saw myself in 5-years," Mongo says. The answer: "Working closely with the administration in its second term, of course. Only this time I'm Rubber Chicken czar."
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Friday, October 7, 2016

Memphis Facing Severe Unpainted Rock Crisis

Posted By on Fri, Oct 7, 2016 at 11:31 AM

Graffiti artist and all purpose vandal Ashlyn Brax pulls his hoodie up and looks both ways before exiting his dorm room. "Shit's not right," he mutters straddling a rickety cruiser and turning its front wheel towards a derelict industrial neighborhood. "The whole point of a rock is it's an anonymous message," he complains. "It's Fist-sized and perfect for knocking out windows in buildings that need to be fixed or knocked down. But it's so much easier to identify the thrower if the rocks have Yodas and shit painted all over them."

Brax's complaint doesn't yield much in the way of public sympathy. Most sources interviewed agreed that curtailing the destruction of property is a good thing, but his is only one of numerous problems Memphians face resulting from a recent mania for painting cute, colorful, family-friendly images on rocks and hiding them in plain sight like so many tooth-breaking easter eggs. The craze has resulted in what some experts are describing as a, "severe unpainted rock crisis."

It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning and 87-year-old Tony Lancilunghi would normally be roaming the city with his rolling shopping cart in search of the city's flattest, roundest stones. Lancilunghi is a competitive stone skipper, who hadn't missed a day's practice since he was seven years old. Until last week, anyway, when the old timer says he took up whittling. 

"I didn't know there was some rule about taking more than one," he spits defiantly. "I saw some of them were painted up to look like the California Raisins, but I don't give two hoots about any of that hippity-hop mess." So Lancilunghi, who's won several regional titles, and is ranked in the top 500 stone skippers worldwide took a bucket of painted stones to the lake at Shelby Farms where he swears they "skipped even better than an unpainted rock." Shortly thereafter the internet shaming campaign began.

"People shouldn't take more than one painted rock per person," one commenter said while someone else complained, "That old man drowned my babies," and another responded, "#rocklivesmatter."

A rock painter using the handle Thanksy is furious: "It's bad enough that artists are expected to practically give our work away for free as it is, now we put so much time and effort into making common gravel look like the live action cast of Scooby Doo and some jackass just comes along and dumps them in the river? Sad."

Noted regional geologist Bif Berman says he's all about civic pride, unity, and getting outside and looking at rocks, but he's not a fan of the latest fad. "To paint the rock suggests there was something wrong or incomplete about this beautiful piece of sculpture Mother Nature made without spending a dime at Hobby Lobby.

"Imagine the public outcry," Berman concludes, "If some group started painting Sponge Bob on stray dogs or shaving the local squirrel population. Rocks have dignity too. Only they express it over eons, in a language most Americans don't speak." 



Friday, September 30, 2016

Marsha Blackburn Tries Out New Supervillain Catchphrase

Posted By on Fri, Sep 30, 2016 at 11:11 AM

"It is not in a warming trend!"
  • "It is not in a warming trend!"
Recent comments by U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) have been taken out of context by a mainstream media that refuses to acknowledge that Blackburn — long dismissed as an intellectual lightweight — is an evil genius hellbent on destroying the solar system with her new, improved weather gun.

"Is climate change manmade?" Blackburn asked rhetorically in a short phone interview. "No! For I am WOMAN!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" And then she hung up.

For years Blackburn's anti-science positions have functioned as cover for her own abominable experiments and an opportunity to divert funds away from potential evil rivals and NASA.
Blackburn has been criticized for recent comments to Huffington Post. Although "I think the Earth is in a cooling trend," was spoken in response to questions about Donald Trump's debate performance, it was essentially the Tennessee Legislator trying out the line she plans to shout when she finally zaps President Obama with her blizzard ray.

Comic book nerds agree it's bad science and worse policy but, as a catchphrase, it's kitschy and kind of delicious. 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Mural Project Brings Hope to Affluent Neighborhood

Posted By on Fri, Sep 23, 2016 at 11:20 AM

Donna Justis - S. MANN
  • S. Mann
  • Donna Justis
Donna Justis wants to change the world, one colorful wall at a time.

“You know, I grew up in an affluent neighborhood,” the 34-year-old artist and media relations specialist says. “I still live in one. So I understand how scared people are out there, especially in the really nice parts of town.”

With funding from an Urban Embetterment grant Justis and six other artists will create a dozen cheerful murals with the same comforting message: “You Are Safe.”

“It’s not that there’s nothing to be afraid of,” Justis explains. “But statistically speaking people who live in nicer neighborhoods shoulder a disproportionate amount of fear, worry, and concern about things like crime, brutal mayhem, drug dealers they didn’t meet in college, and things like that. It's not right, and nobody's out there doing anything about it.”

With her large scale mural project the artist wants to remind people in nice homes, who’ve lost hope and become shut ins, glued to police scanners and American Family Radio, that they don’t have the 5-0 rolling down the street shining spotlights at all hours, and are far less likely to come to a bad, criminally violent end than pretty much anybody.

“Is anybody ever really safe?” Justis ponders. “Well, yes. Yes, they are. I mean, not 100% of course, because bad things happen. Scary things. Crazy things happen. But if you’re living anywhere near one of these murals the odds are so in your favor you should stop freaking out and live a little.”

Anna Lingus, president of the Association of Neighborhood Associations is outraged by Justis’ proposal. “None of this meets AOA standards,” she wrote in an e-mail to members. “I don’t know who these people think they  are coming in here with their awful colors and silly patronizing messages, but nobody wants this tacky mess and it’s not going to happen.”
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Justis isn't deterred by criticism. "It's a shame," she says. "We have all these perfectly wealthy people and they're too afraid to even dream."

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Polite East Memphis Demonstration Goes Unnoticed

Posted By on Tue, Aug 16, 2016 at 1:50 PM

Jay Walker
  • Jay Walker
Members of the Nice Lives Matter movement have expressed mild, thoughtfully worded disappointment that their orderly, single-file march down Tuckahoe Rd from S. Goodlett to Perkins Ext., and back again, was completely ignored and accomplished nothing.

Jay Walker, who organized a post-march backyard picnic for protesters and the media says he’s not mad as hell, and will continue to "take it" as there are no considerate alternatives. But Walker's not giving up, and plans to write an open letter to area politicians and the Memphis media, enumerating many positive things about the city, including his organization’s mission to make Shelby Co. a global hub for civil discourse.

“Look,” Walker says. “We didn’t expect to be the lead story at 10, but we expected something. Maybe a Chopper-5 flyby, or some small police presence to protect us from counter-protesters.”

Fortunately for Walker, and nine other people who showed up to march with posters reading, “Smile,” and, “Be Nice or Leave (Unless You Want to Stay),” there was no counter protest.

Nice Lives Matter is an open and accepting group comprised primarily of white professionals committed to diversity and making the world a better place for everybody. Their next planned action is a sit-in at Bar Louie on Overton Square.

"We hope to lead by example." — Jay Walker, Memphis

“The goal of these sit-ins is to be just super nice to everybody, especially the wait staff, regardless of race or lifestyle. We hope to lead by example,” Walker says. “When you look at the people who are involved with this organization you see a lot of citizens who’ve always obeyed the laws and played by the rules. I don’t think there’s a person among us who’s ever been in trouble publicly, or gone to jail for any reason. We’re good examples — the sort of people you want to write about. The kind of people you want to put on TV.”

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

MATA CEO Still Not Sure When Burgers Will Be Done

Posted By on Tue, Jul 5, 2016 at 11:58 AM

Try the potato salad.
  • Try the potato salad.
It’s Tuesday, July 5 and MATA CEO Ron Garrison still can’t say when the hamburgers he was grilling for an Independence Day cookout will be done. Just over 10-pounds of pre-formed ground beef patties and six packages of Oscar Meyer "classic style" hotdogs were purchased Saturday, July 2nd to provide food for guests at Garrison's 4th of July party. A charcoal fire was lit at approximately 2 p.m., Monday, and a rustic wooden picnic table was spread with chips, dips, slaw, baked beans, and three different kinds of potato salad.

As of 10 a.m. Tuesday, July 5, no hamburgers or hotdogs had been served.

“I’m hungry,” partygoer Cara Street said, as she and her husband Beale watched the sun come up Tuesday morning. “I know Ron’s cooking just as fast as he can, but seriously, what the hell? These are pre-formed hamburger patties and hot dogs, it’s not like he’s making Chili en Nogada, or Coq au Vin. It’s not even like he’s making bratwursts.”

Garrison’s friend Bobby, who helped light the charcoal using his surefire dryer lint technique, says the meal was delayed as a result of safety concerns. “Everybody wants to get a nice sear on their burgers,” he explained. “But what’s really important is the internal temperature of the meat.”

“We’re making progress, but cannot give a definite timeline on either the burgers, or the dogs,” Garrison said, dipping his grill mop into a pot of Wicker’s. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Zoo President Shot After Falling Into Gorilla Enclosure

Posted By on Fri, Jul 1, 2016 at 7:05 PM

Former friends Chuck & MJ
  • Former friends Chuck & MJ
Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want  everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense."

According to Myst, Brady is "genetically hardwired" to be a dick. "This isn't really about the gorillas," she says. "If he hadn't been taken out of the picture quickly and efficiently, there's no doubt in my mind he'd have done tremendous self-inflicted damage to himself and to the zoo." 

Eyewitness and longtime Memphis Zoo member Clondyke Barr confirms Myst's assessment. "Brady spoke some really mean and, to my mind, completely unnecessary words to those gorillas. But he didn't seem dangerous," he says. "But then it was like he just couldn't help himself. Outta nowhere he chest bumps the hell outta this big monkey. Starts yelling about the status quo, and how little obese and crippled children shouldn't have to walk. Stuff like that. It was embarrassing as hell."

"He may have seemed reasonable to people who can't read CEO body language," Myst elaborates. "But we've spent years studying these creatures. They expect to be rewarded whether they make good decisions or bad decisions, and given a choice between any conciliatory action or pure assfaced dickery, we have strong reasons to believe that Brady will always choose the later. He'll tear the whole place apart — gorillas and all — and then expect someone to throw him some Monterey Jack cheese cubes."

Reports from the Zoo infirmary suggests that Brady, having no heart to stop, will make a full recovery and go on to bigger and better things in the future. "That's a completely natural outcome," Myst says.




Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Read Trump's Letter Soliciting Campaign Donations from Non-U.S. Citizens

Posted By on Wed, Jun 29, 2016 at 3:32 PM

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As you've probably heard by now, GOP presidential nominee Donald J. Trump has been sending fundraising emails to foreign citizens including British politicians and every member of the Parliament of Iceland. This has resulted in a legal complaint filed by the The Campaign Legal Center accusing the candidate of violating federal law. 

Fly on the Wall has obtained an email Trump's campaign sent to various UK officials including Pilsbury D'Bowie from the constituency of Welwyn Hatfield. Here's the full text.

To whom it may concern.
Please excuse me if I have infringe into your privacy. This may be  strange
introduction, but I have no option than to mail you. I am Donald J. Trump, the Republican candidate for President of the United States. I m presently trying to make America great again and stop crooked Hillary. Though I have not met with you, I believe one has to risk confidence in someone to succeed sometimes in life.
To stop crooked Hillry there will be costs of doing America's business for which I will need your beautiful assistance. When we take back our contry I will inevest in your contry thru you in the business of your picking.

• Real Estate Investment
• The Transport Industry
• 3)Five Star Hotels.

I await your response soonest and please include your direct phone number, full
name and contact address for easy communication.
Regards,
Donald J. Trump

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Memphis Zoo's Tiger Says He Isn't Sorry

Don't mess with the Mohan. Critics describe the big cat as "A tone deaf asshole"

Posted By on Thu, Feb 11, 2016 at 1:29 PM

Scene of the crime
  • Scene of the crime
Mohan, the male Sumatran tiger on loan to the Sacramento Zoo from Memphis says he doesn't feel the least bit bad about actions resulting in the death of female Sumatran tiger Baha.

"Am I sorry for killing her," Mohan asks rhetorically. "Well, it's regrettable, I suppose, that some people's feelings have been hurt as a result of what happened yesterday. But c'mon. I'm a fucking tiger. I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."

Mohan, was physically introduced to his "potential mate" Baha for the first time on Wednesday. Instead of breeding, the Memphis tiger became aggressive. Things escalated quickly and although the two big cats were soon separated, a mortal blow had been struck.

    "I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."

"It's easy for people on one side of an issue to call the other side a bully," Mohan explains. "But the law of the jungle is very clear on this particular issue. It's also important to understand that there was a small group of other tigers who wanted to prevent this mating from happening the way it needed to happen. And by 'small group,' I mean Baha."

Frustrated Tiger experts claim Mohan and Baha had been living next door to each other for over a month and were were exhibiting signs that it was time for a physical introduction. 

"You've got to remember," Mohan concludes. "I'm a professional tiger with 12-years experience. I know a couple of things about mating with females. I've been taking care of business for a long time. If she thinks, after a month and change, she can just stalk in here with those stripes, and tell me where I can and can't park my stuff, she's wrong. Dead wrong. Pun intended. Just because you've successfully bred with three other partners is no reason to think you have some special rights to your feline reproductive system."


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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

New Union Ave. Kroger to Open in Germantown

Posted By on Wed, Oct 21, 2015 at 3:42 PM

Artists depiction of work on the Midtown/Germantown Kroger Tunnel AKA "The Krunnel."
  • Artists depiction of work on the Midtown/Germantown Kroger Tunnel AKA "The Krunnel."

As other media outlets have already reported, the new Kroger on Union Ave. will be "nowhere near" your standard Midtown Kroger. In an effort to lead the market in new shopping technology and strengthen Kroger's brand within the rapidly expanding high-end food store community of West Tennessee's official grocery district, the new Union Ave. Kroger will open in Germantown.

Kay Rogers of Big Con consulting describes the move as "bold." 

"This is what thinking outside the box means," Rogers says. "Or thinking outside the 'big box' in this case. Most people assume that a newly renovated store is naturally confined to its original geographical context. Well, I guess this is a nice reminder of the old chestnut about assumptions. And how they make us look like ass people." 

Rodgers didn't explain the science behind opening a Union Ave. branch in Germantown, but Midtown resident Bing Hampton has some ideas.

"There's something funny going on over there on Union Ave. and I don't mean knock-knock joke funny neither," says Hampton who believes the night crew is digging an enormous tunnel all the way to Germantown.

"I don't have any proof or anything, but Union's been going to Hell ever since they tore down the Sex Pistols Taco Bell in order to put up a new Taco Bell," he says. "People said it couldn't happen to the Sex Pistols' Taco Bell, but it did. Now it's only a matter of time before they move the whole street to the suburbs."

Thursday, September 10, 2015

U of M Plans John Calipari Celebration and Other Weird Stuff

Posted By on Thu, Sep 10, 2015 at 2:39 PM

You've probably heard that the University of Memphis is moving forward with plans to honor former head basketball coach John Calipari. That's weird, right? I mean, the school's own newspaper pronounced him, "officially dead to Memphis." 

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Oh well. The Calipari pep rally is just one of many surprising things the U of M has in store. Here are some more.

• University of Memphis to be rebranded as South Louisville State.

• Students who transfer to other universities will have their tuition paid for and receive a substantial signing bonus. 

Good times.
  • Good times.

• Fogelman College of Business and Economics to be renamed Sidney Shlenker School of Success.

• The Rose theatre to host a musical salute to pestilence and Yellow Fever.

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• The soon to be renamed Tiger football program will host Remembering The Tennessee Oilers: a fan day. Original members of the 1997 team will attend the first quarter. 

• Free punches in the throat by University administrators. By appointment. 

via GIPHY



• AMUM to host James Earle Ray: A Life in Photographs


What a scamp!
  • What a scamp!


• Memphis Burning: An awards dinner in appreciation of the people who set the fires during the 1978 fire fighters' strike.

• Demolish The Hell Out Of The Coliseum, a catered charette. 

• The U of M's mascot is changing. The Tigers will be replaced by Grand Wizards. To reflect the name change Nathan Bedford Forrest's statue in Health Sciences Park will be relocated to Tiger Lane. 

• To promote a healthier Memphis The U of M will sponsor a petition to change Barbecue fest to salad day.

• A monthlong tribute to Tennessee's Greatest City: Nashville.

Not an Ikea. But not a Bass Pro either.
  • Not an Ikea. But not a Bass Pro either.


• The Dana Kirk School of Propriety opens its doors in January followed by The Derrick Rose Centre for Read Good and The George Nichopoulos School of Wellness for Musicians


• A full week of events has been planned for the grand opening of the new Larry Porter Athletic Complex. It kicks off with Josh Pastner: To Hell With That Guy Day. It culminates with an assembly for alumni who will be pelted with garbage and badgered for donations.
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• Community engagement events to include a Kroger parking lot picnic and family riot.

• A Thousand Points of Flight: A two-pronged art exhibit celebrating suburban expansion and the Delta/Northwest Merger

• A Segregation Homecoming.

• The U of M is also proud to announce the creation of the Robert Lipscomb Scholarship Promoting Civil and Social Planning.

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UPDATE: The University of Memphis has reversed course and decided not to honor John Calipari after all. Probably because of this column and the mighty sting of our jokes. 

This post was created with help from improv comedy specialists The Wiseguys. They have a show coming up Saturday and you should go see it. 
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