Parody

Friday, June 14, 2019

Senator Marsha Blackburn Murders Police Officer

Posted By on Fri, Jun 14, 2019 at 1:37 PM


Marsha, Marsha, Marsha...
  • Marsha, Marsha, Marsha...

In an act of cold-blooded not giving a shit, Senator Marsha Blackburn created a fictional Memphis police officer then murdered him in a press release. She was responding to a tragic, true-life event that climaxed with the death of an African-American male following a confrontation with U.S. Marshals.

"My prayers are with the family of the fallen officer," Blackburn wrote, expressing her shared grief with the imaginary wife and children of a true fake hero.

“We can’t let the fact that Blackburn’s police officer is a complete fabrication and probably a fantasy expression of her thinly veiled racism obscure the fact that she also killed the man,” says the University of Midtown’s frequently cited Crypto-criminologist Roger Datt.
While some observers have suggested that Senator Blackburn is an evil genius posing as a simpleton, Datt thinks this description misses the point. “What she is is a murderer,” he says. “Sure, she retracted her original statements. But what good did that do? The bad information was already circulating, and a fictional officer was already dead.”

The article is a parody, but this press release is real AF.
  • The article is a parody, but this press release is real AF.

Popular political commentator Helmut Mann offered an opinion as to why Blackburn would create a fictional police officer only to murder him. Mann, known for his cheeky, Nazi-light views, and for being a snappy dresser, says there's only one thing we can know for sure.

“This is most definitely not rooted in deeply held white supremacist values,” Mann says, offended by the very idea. “Nor is it a lazy, but effective projection of racist cliches designed to stimulate a political base or gin up unrest, and the need for strong authoritarian action. To even suggest something like that should be punishable by disembraining.”

Memphis activist Bing Hampton has organized a memorial for the dead officer who was never alive in the first place. “It’s bad enough that this event resulted in the actual death of a civilian of color,” Hampton says. “But the senseless death of an innocent, imaginary, probably white police officer is just too much to bear.”

“Blackburn is a true freedom fighter who’s struggling to ensure that everybody, including hostile foreign governments have a say in our public elections,” Mann asserts. “If she killed an imaginary police officer, you can bet your last ruble he probably deserved killing.”
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Yes, this article is a parody. We've said so twice already!

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Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Giant Tim Urban Hologram Playing Graceland, Nashville; Graceland, Tokyo; and Graceland, Dubai

Posted By on Tue, Apr 9, 2019 at 3:01 PM

Fans having fun at authentic Elvis home Graceland, Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai.
  • Fans having fun at authentic Elvis home Graceland, Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai.
Apr. 9, 2084, DUBAI — You know, it's just like American idol Elvis Presley said to the people, when asked what he missed about his authentic Graceland home in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai. "I am missing everything about my authentic home," he said. And fans of ElvisHouse Concerts are missing everything too when Giant Tim Urban Hologram isn't playing the GhostHouse in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai.

"We are very excited to have Giant Hologram Tim Urban back in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai," Gracespokesbot-6000 told the Memphis Flyer in a lively Psychlosian mind-link interview last Trumpsday. "Although he only placed seventh in season 9 of American Idol, Tim Prime's reality TV cover of Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah,' had a profound influence on future reality TV covers of Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah.'"


Performed as the climax of Giant Hologram Tim Urban's high energy concert, Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" has been transformed into a powerful duet with the Living Head of Lisa Marie Presley, who performs live via Xenusian magic from her jar in Las Vegas.

"We are excited to have the Living Head of Lisa Marie Presley back at the GhostHouse in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai and performing with Giant Hologram Tim Urban," Gracespokesbot-6000 says. "Although he only placed seventh in season 9 of American Idol, Tim Prime's reality TV cover of Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah,' had a profound influence on future reality TV covers of Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah.'"

Although he only placed seventh in season 9 of American Idol, Tim Prime's reality TV cover of Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah,' had a profound influence on future reality TV covers of Jeff Buckley's cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah."
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YES, this is a PARODY POST. Just check the tab up top. 

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Monday, March 4, 2019

Memphis In May Scientist Warns Against Dinosaurs In Tom Lee Park

Posted By on Mon, Mar 4, 2019 at 3:08 PM

"Artistic" rendering of proposed changes to Tom Lee Park.
  • "Artistic" rendering of proposed changes to Tom Lee Park.
Dr. Ian Malcolm, Senior Chaos Theorist for Memphis In May, warned of grave danger to the public if a plan devised by the Memphis Riverfront Public Partnership (MRPP), to exhibit genetically engineered dinosaurs in a newly revamped Tom Lee Park, is allowed to go forward.

“Life will find a way,” the dashingly handsome, black-clad scientist told an enraptured crowd at a recent public forum on the proposed revamp of the city’s premiere riverfront acreage. 
MRPP was represented by Dr. Perceval Petrodopolos, a paleo-genetic engineer who said new advances in CRISPR technology has enabled him to reconstruct the genomes of dinosaur species that have been extinct for millions of years. The dinosaur DNA material was recovered from blood found in the stomachs of mosquitoes trapped in amber and spliced with that of dinosaur descendants such as frogs and birds. Plans and renderings unveiled by MRPP showed brontosaurus, tyrannosaurus rex, and velociraptors playing whimsically with school children among the rolling hills of Tom Lee Park.

“The lack of humility before nature that’s being displayed here staggers me,” said Dr. Malcolm, pounding the table. “Don’t you see the danger in what you’re doing here? Genetic power is the most awesome force mankind has ever seen, but you wield it like a kid who has found his dad’s gun!”

“I don’t think you’re giving us our due credit,” said Dr. Petrodopolos. “I have done something that has never been done before!”

“But you were so preoccupied with whether they could, you didn’t stop to think whether you should,” replied Malcolm. “Isn’t that right, Dr. P.P.?”

Dr. Malcolm described the prospect of revived, probably carnivorous thunder lizards  sharing a park with some of the top musical acts in the country and tens of thousands of revelers during the Beale Street Music Festival as “chilling. I simply cannot guarantee the safety of the food trucks and merchandise vendors in such a situation.”

Dr. P.P. was incredulous at what he called “Luddism from a scientist” and questioned why Memphis In May even needed a chaos theorist on staff.
Dr. Ian Malcolm
  • Dr. Ian Malcolm

“Have you ever been to Music Fest?” replied Dr. Malcolm.

City officials are expected to rapidly approve the Jurassic improvements to Tom Lee Park, which will include pterodactyl roosts on the heavily populated bluff overlooking the riverfront.
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YES! This article is a parody. We said so in the tab up top!

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Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Memphis is Funny, 2018: The Year in Parody

Posted By on Wed, Jan 2, 2019 at 2:20 PM

screen_shot_2018-12-21_at_4.35.08_pm.png
It's been a great year for Fly on the Wall's fake news team Davis Christopher and Peripheral Gibson. Together our parodists covered everything from Senator-elect Marsha Blackburn's hair being identified as a brain-eating alien parasite, to riverfront development. Here are the top 5 Fly on the Wall parodies of 2018, in no particular order.

1.Tom Lee Park Redesign 'Totally Unrelated To Atlantis' New Riverfront Chief Says
POSTED BY PERIPHERAL GIBSON

At a press conference in their Front Street headquarters on Tuesday, Carol Coletta, head of the Memphis River Parks Partnership (MRPP), previously called the Riverfront Development Corporation (RDC), told reporters that her organization’s plans to dramatically alter the landscape of Tom Lee Park have nothing to do with her predecessor’s ambitious project to raise the lost, subaquatic city-state of Atlantis from the depths of the Mississippi River.

“Our plan will activate the park space for all Memphians, and make it more attractive to Memphis In May festival goers,” said Coletta. “It’s totally unrelated to the RDC’s plans to raise Atlantis.”

Coletta joined the RDC in March, replacing Benny Lendermon, who had announced the public-private partnership's multimillion dollar plan to spend millions of dollars on targeted nuclear explosives that would trigger powerful earthquakes bringing the long hidden city/state of Atlantis back to the Above World, presumably to rule over a golden age of peace and prosperity for Memphis and the Mid-South region. *CLICK TO CONTINUE READING*

2. Men at War
Old Friends Won't Let Women Bring Them Down
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER


Gunner Armstrong shakes his head, and digs into his backpack to retrieve a freshly purchased bottle of pepper spray. “I don’t know how effective this stuff is,” he mumbles, pulling on his reading glasses and skimming the directions. “I had a friend in college who would get a couple of beers in him and squirt it in his mouth like it was breath freshener.”

Like many manly men today, Armstrong lives in abject terror. “You never can be too careful with women being what they are,” he says, expressing an increasingly common, and deeply masculine sentiment. At least twice a week Armstrong says he finds himself walking a block or more past his house, keys clenched firmly in his fist like claws, because he’s convinced a woman is following him home, possibly to accuse him of harassment. “At some point I’ll find a nice bright street light and stop there to pretend like I'm taking a phone call or something. I'll just let them walk on past, you know?” Armstrong says. “It’s probably all in my imagination. But like dad always said: better safe than hungover and accused of some bullshit you totally don’t remember doing.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING.
3. Great Works of Literature as Written by the Shelby Co. Election Commission
With Help from The Memphis City Council
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER


Emboldened by national attention resulting from the careful and creative wording of current ballot amendments, the Shelby County Election Commission has committed considerable time and evident talent to improving the greatest works of world literature. While Fly on the Wall has yet to see a completed text, 5 first line samples were leaked this morning, revealing the epic scope of the Commission's City Council-aided writing project.

Moby- Dick
Herman Melville with the Shelby Co. Election Commission


“Shall Ishmael serve as a common spoken or chirographic signifier not expressly for greeting, but sometimes for gaining the narrator’s attention?” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING

4. Consultants Plan Monument To Consultants On Memphis Riverfront
POSTED BY PERIPHERAL GIBSON


Claiming they have “bridged the gap between perception and reality,” a group of consultants has proposed Consultants’ Park, which will be dedicated to the many consultants hired to determine what Memphis should do with its riverfront.

“Since 1924, the city of Memphis has been trying to figure out what to do with this unique space, which overlooks one of the largest, brownest bodies of water in the world, and also Arkansas,” says the Preamble to the Executive Summary of the 2,667-page report issued by the Memphis Riverfront Consultants’ Coalition (MRCC). “Like the hundreds of consultants who came before us, we puzzled about how to polish Mud Island into a Mud Diamond. Then, three days into our recent ayahuasca trance charette, it suddenly hit us. What is more dependable and integral to the Memphis Riverfront experience than the Big Muddy? For the last century, the answer has been, consultants. That’s why we are executing Consultants’ Park, a reminder to all Memphis and the world that consultants matter, and that they must be paid.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING

5. Citizens Organize to Protect Neighborhood Bar With Wall, Moat
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER

Community organizer Bing Hampton knows his audience. "Big Development's not gonna get their grubby paws on Alex's Tavern," he shouts into his trusty bullhorn. There's no reason to believe developers of any size are looking to acquire the Jackson Avenue institution, but that did not allay the concerns of roughly two-dozen Midtowners who waved signs with all-cap messages like "THE DIVE MUST SURVIVE," and answered back, "Hell no." CLICK TO CONTINUE READING

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Friday, November 30, 2018

Citizens Organize to Protect Neighborhood Bar With Wall, Moat

Posted By on Fri, Nov 30, 2018 at 1:58 PM

Community organizer Bing Hampton knows his audience. "Big Development's not gonna get their grubby paws on Alex's Tavern," he shouts into his trusty bullhorn. There's no reason to believe developers of any size are looking to acquire the Jackson Avenue institution, but that did not allay the concerns of roughly two-dozen Midtowners who waved signs with all-cap messages like "THE DIVE MUST SURVIVE," and answered back, "Hell no."
screen_shot_2018-11-30_at_2.01.57_pm.png

"We've started a GimmeGimme fund to build a wall around this treasured drinking establishment," says Hampton, whose career in activism began when he organized protests to prevent a new Taco Bell from being built over the old Taco Bell that was built over the even older Taliesyn Ballroom where British Punk band the Sex Pistols played on their disastrous 1978 American tour. Hampton says he's still sore about losing that fight but counts his campaign to prevent the Union Avenue Kroger from being built in Germantown as a total win.

"I've shown the power of getting out in front of a problems that don't yet exist," Hampton told the crowd, recalling how he was shocked at first by news that his favorite Midtown bar,  Zinnie's, was closing as the result of neighborhood gentrification. Then he was disgusted when he heard it probably had nothing to do with gentrification. Then he was dismayed when he learned that sometimes stories are complicated with many shifting perspectives and no discernible hero or villain.

"The big takeaway for me was, we've got to save Alex's," Hampton announced to even greater applause. "And Murphy's too," he added. "But not right now because you've got to start somewhere and Alex's seems doable. Besides, the Murphy's guy heckled my band once, so whatever, dude."

Hampton told Fly on the Wall he'd already raised $80 toward erecting "a substantial
Bing Hampton
  • Bing Hampton
   fence," but won't be able to move forward with his multi-phase plan until he hears back from tavern owner, Rocky Kasaftes, whom he's yet to contact.

"We want to do a crocodile moat too, or maybe a snake pit," Hampton said, in his address. "Snakes. Snakes. Snakes," the crowd chanted.

"It would be nice to see a developer eaten by either crocodiles or snakes," says former Midtown resident and dive bar enthusiast Chelsea Lamar. "I miss all these shithole places I used go to before I moved," she adds. Lamar, who swears "shithole" is a term of endearment, now lives in Cordova. "Even if I can't patronize any of these bars anymore, it comforts me just knowing that they're there," she says.
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Yes, this is a parody. Didn't you see the black and yellow tab up top?

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Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Consultants Plan Monument To Consultants On Memphis Riverfront

Posted By on Wed, Nov 21, 2018 at 11:49 AM

Sign greeting visitors to Consultants Park.
  • Sign greeting visitors to Consultants Park.
Claiming they have “bridged the gap between perception and reality,” a group of consultants has proposed Consultants’ Park, which will be dedicated to the many consultants hired to determine what Memphis should do with its riverfront.

“Since 1924, the city of Memphis has been trying to figure out what to do with this unique space, which overlooks one of the largest, brownest bodies of water in the world, and also Arkansas,” says the Preamble to the Executive Summary of the 2,667-page report issued by the Memphis Riverfront Consultants’ Coalition (MRCC). “Like the hundreds of consultants who came before us, we puzzled about how to polish Mud Island into a Mud Diamond. Then, three days into our recent ayahuasca trance charette, it suddenly hit us. What is more dependable and integral to the Memphis Riverfront experience than the Big Muddy? For the last century, the answer has been, consultants. That’s why we are executing Consultants’ Park, a reminder to all Memphis and the world that consultants matter, and that they must be paid.”
“That’s ‘Consultants’, plural,” says the first of the document’s 1,300 footnotes. “Because consultants love company.”

According to the design documents, Consultants’ Park will stretch the entire 2,348 mile length of the eastern bank of the Mississippi. It will include a specially designed “Consultants’ Safe Space Play Area”, where businesses can bring their consultants to frolic in the fresh, humid river air and socialize with other consultants. There will also be a Consultant’s Corner, where citizens can interact with and ask questions of a real live consultant, and then pay them directly in cash for their advice. “We see this as a way to get people off the streets and into cushy consulting gigs,” says the MRCC.

The centerpiece of the park will be a 1,923-foot tall statue of a consultant riding triumphant on a rearing steed. “It’s 1,923 feet tall, because 1923 was the year our consultant forefathers first discovered the Mississippi riverfront,” says the MRCC.
As for the rest of the 2,000+ mile park, the MRCC says “We’ll get food trucks or something.” 
Signage directing visitors to Consultants Park
  • Signage directing visitors to Consultants Park

The project is estimated to cost $1.2 billion. The MRCC points out that only $1 billion of the budget is allotted to consultant’s fees. “It’s a bargain for the taxpayers!”
As of press time, no city officials were available for comment.
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Yes, this is a PARODY. Didn't you see the black and yellow tab at the top.

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Friday, October 19, 2018

Great Works of Literature as Written by the Shelby Co. Election Commission

With Help from The Memphis City Council

Posted By on Fri, Oct 19, 2018 at 12:22 PM

img_0269.jpg
Emboldened by national attention resulting from the careful and creative wording of current ballot amendments, the Shelby County Election Commission has committed considerable time and evident talent to improving the greatest works of world literature. While Fly on the Wall has yet to see a completed text, 5 first line samples were leaked this morning, revealing the epic scope of the Commission's City Council-aided writing project.

via GIPHY

Moby- Dick
Herman Melville with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall Ishmael serve as a common spoken or chirographic signifier not expressly for greeting, but sometimes for gaining the narrator’s attention?”

via GIPHY

Gravity's Rainbow
Thomas Pynchon with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall the sky elect to not to retain its natural silence, in favor of free expression, horizon to horizon?”

via GIPHY

Fahrenheit 451
Ray Bradbury with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall the combustibility of literature, as it stands with all officers and offices engaging in the combustion procedure, be any reason to limit terms of pleasure?”

via GIPHY

A Tale of Two Cities
Charles Dickens with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall we claim, of the times between 1770 and 1794, that each individual year, and the age collectively, was both better and worse than any other age pursuant to its wisdom, foolishness, belief, incredulity, lightness, darkness, hope, despair, and to the various seasons to which these qualities may be poetically associated?

via GIPHY

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream
Hunter S. Thompson with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall we agree that when the drugs took hold, all persons who had selected drugs, were in San Bernardino, east of Apple Valley but west of Needles and not so far north as to constitute the municipal boundaries of the city of Barstow?”
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Yes, this is a parody. Didn't you see the orange tab at the top of the page?

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Men at War

Old Friends Won't Let Women Bring Them Down

Posted By on Wed, Oct 3, 2018 at 11:31 AM

Armstrong & Cox - G.O. OGLEIMAGE
  • G.O. Ogleimage
  • Armstrong & Cox
Gunner Armstrong shakes his head, and digs into his backpack to retrieve a freshly purchased bottle of pepper spray. “I don’t know how effective this stuff is,” he mumbles, pulling on his reading glasses and skimming the directions. “I had a friend in college who would get a couple of beers in him and squirt it in his mouth like it was breath freshener.”

Like many manly men today, Armstrong lives in abject terror. “You never can be too careful with women being what they are,” he says, expressing an increasingly common, and deeply masculine sentiment. At least twice a week Armstrong says he finds himself walking a block or more past his house, keys clenched firmly in his fist like claws, because he’s convinced a woman is following him home, possibly to accuse him of harassment. “At some point I’ll find a nice bright street light and stop there to pretend like I'm taking a phone call or something. I'll just let them walk on past, you know?” Armstrong says. “It’s probably all in my imagination. But like dad always said: better safe than hungover and accused of some bullshit you totally don’t remember doing.”
Personal security coach Archer Cox doesn’t think Armstrong’s taking the threat seriously enough. “If you’re not wearing a body cam and packing a taser, you’re not prepared for this fight,” he says. “Look, Gunner’s my bud and I used to be just like him. I took some self defense classes. Got my yellow belt. Got to where I’d take alternative routes home from the bar to avoid running into any of those lady joggers who were always making comments about how I shouldn’t be looking them. Saying things to me. Hurtful things. But none of those things I did to protect myself stopped this one woman from calling me a ‘peeper’ on Facebook, all because I was awesome and surprised her at her window one morning with a egg and sausage plate from down at the Touch & Go.”

Armstrong has a theory. “I’ve heard this is all a kind of revenge because they don’t make as much money as we do. And if things keep going this way I don’t think they ever will,” he says, opening the front door of MacBoobies, a Scottish-themed watering hole in Midtown where Armstrong is having drinks with Cox, and some other friends from work. “It’s gotten to where just having a penis paints a target on your back, it’s practically against the law,” he says, visibly agitated and determined to get hammered.

After several rounds of beer the men settle into playing a drinking game called Devil’s Triangle. “It’s kinda like quarters,” Cox explains. “Only if you cuss at any time you have to call your mother on speaker phone and apologize for being a naughty boy with a dirty, dirty mouth.” A waitress named Tina, who’s been cut from her shift politely intervenes and attempts to close out the table’s check.

“Did you want to put the tip on your card?” she asks.

“Oh, don’t worry sweetie, I’ve got a tip for you right here,” Cox quips, causing everybody at the table to laugh except for Tina, who rolls her eyes and walks away sans gratuity.

“Gonna stumble home now,” Armstrong says, pulling out his pepper spray, and screwing up his courage.

“I’ll walk with you,” Cox answers, holding onto Armstrong’s shoulder to keep from falling down. “I don’t want to be alone right now.”

If there is a war in America's streets, these two old friends are determined to face the worst of it together. "I've got you," Armstrong says.

"And I've got you, babe," Cox answers. "I've got you."

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*Yes, there is a parody tab at the top of the column.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Tom Lee Park Redesign 'Totally Unrelated To Atlantis' New Riverfront Chief Says

Posted By on Thu, Jun 14, 2018 at 9:31 AM

Definitely not an irradiated Gill Man.
  • Definitely not an irradiated Gill Man.
At a press conference in their Front Street headquarters on Tuesday, Carol Coletta, head of the Memphis River Parks Partnership (MRPP), previously called the Riverfront Development Corporation (RDC), told reporters that her organization’s plans to dramatically alter the landscape of Tom Lee Park have nothing to do with her predecessor’s ambitious project to raise the lost, subaquatic city-state of Atlantis from the depths of the Mississippi River.

“Our plan will activate the park space for all Memphians, and make it more attractive to Memphis In May festival goers,” said Coletta. “It’s totally unrelated to the RDC’s plans to raise Atlantis.”

Coletta joined the RDC in March, replacing Benny Lendermon, who had announced the public-private partnership's multimillion dollar plan to spend millions of dollars on targeted nuclear explosives that would trigger powerful earthquakes bringing the long hidden city/state of Atlantis back to the Above World, presumably to rule over a golden age of peace and prosperity for Memphis and the Mid-South region.

“Now some people will say that the new undulating hills we’re building in the flood zone of one of the most powerful rivers in the solar system would be an ideal spot for burying the thousands of horribly burned gill-men cadavers that have been washing up on the banks of the Big Muddy, but you would be wrong,” said Coletta.
“We acknowledge mutation is an ongoing problem in this area of the river,” she added. “But we prefer to focus on making the riverfront great for everybody.”

Similarly, a rebranding effort that changed the name of a corporation devoted to riverfront development (RDC) to Memphis River Parks Partnership (MRPP), was in no way caused by news reports associating the RDC with the effort to raise Atlantis.

“Having a new name that doesn’t come up in Google searches next to the words ‘raise Atlantis’ and ‘nuclear weapons’ was in no way a factor in our decision to rebrand,” said Coletta. “Look, the truth is, there wasn’t much to the Atlantis thing. It was really overblown by the media, right from the beginning.

"When Benny's crew of nuclear demolition engineers got to where they thought Atlantis was going to be, there wasn’t anything there. So, they left. That’s what happened.

"Those earthquakes you want to ask me about, we had nothing to do with those. Completely natural phenomenon.

"We’re just laser-focused on making the riverfront better by cleaning up all the radioactive material from the shoreline and disposing of it somewhere that’s not Tom Lee Park.”

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Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Marsha Blackburn's Hair Identified as Brain-Eating Parasite

Posted By on Wed, Jan 31, 2018 at 8:49 AM

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Astrobiologist Tom Ichbaum opened his Twitter account Monday afternoon and typed out a dire warning about U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) and women who seem to wear their hair like U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn. According to Ichbaum the Tennessee legislator's trademark mane isn't a mane at all, it's a brain-eating alien parasite "that's dangerous and probably self-replicating."

"Look, I don't want people to get the wrong idea," Ichbaum explained. "This isn't some kind of blonde joke. I'm not the kind of person who'd ever make fun of how other people look or dress, especially not women. That's a terrible double standard in this country and I would never be part of perpetuating that. But holy shit, have you listened to some of the stuff Marsha's says?"

Although Ichbaum's worried about Blackburn for some time, it wasn't her behavior that ultimately led him to begin his strange inquiry.

"I started noticing all these other women with the exact same hair," he says. "At first I told myself, 'This isn't weird.' It's not an unusual look. I'm just being paranoid. There's no way that hairdo's really a brain-eating visitor from another planet. That's crazy. But then I started listening to what all these people were saying. And everything they said sounded like the kind of crazy stuff Marsha says. It's like they didn't have minds of their own and were just repeating the most insane things they've heard on American Family Radio."

To illustrate his point Ichbaum played a clip from a CNN segment about conservtive evangelical women who believe Donald Trump's affair with porn star Stormy Daniels was okay because "God ordained" the President.

"I don't think I can watch this again," Ichbaum said, averting his eyes. At that exact moment one CNN panelist with Marsha Blackburn's hair defended her President saying, "We all have gotten a Mulligan because of Christ Jesus, and so that's the bottom line."


"Who talks like that?" Ichbaum screamed into his laptop. "Jesus didn't play golf! Golf was invented in 15th-Century Scotland for Christ's sake! What the hell is wrong with you people?!?!?!"

According to Ichbaum there is only one scientific explanation for all this homogeneity: Alien parasites.

"Technically they're symbiotes," he says describing an exotic, otherworldly life form that bonds with human beings in order to survive on Earth. "On one hand they take over your brain and feast on your mental energies," Ichbaum explains. "On the other hand, you do look fabulous."

Ichbaum believes there's currently no good defense against this kind of invasion. "But if somebody you know or love just shows up one day looking like Marsha Blackburn stay alert and try not to get too close," he says. "Chances are very good this person is no longer your friend. It's possible they never were."

Monday, October 2, 2017

President Dedicates Karaoke Performance to Puerto Rico

Posted By on Mon, Oct 2, 2017 at 1:09 PM

"Huey Lewis & the News' early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically." — President Donald Trump, karaoke enthusiast.
  • "Huey Lewis & the News' early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically." — President Donald Trump, karaoke enthusiast.
Following a long weekend of golf and golf-related activities President Donald J. Trump decided to blow off a little steam at the Jersey City Karaoke Club where he made a somber dedication. “What is happening is horrible," he said, holding one index finger aloft as if to indicate this is where his story begins, not where it ends.  "But, in spite of all the things you may have heard, we've got this disaster thing under really great control and all the people who have really suffered over this last short period of time with the hurricanes, I want to just remember them.

"This one's for you Puerto Rico," President Trump said as the familiar opening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started to play.


"This is from the band's huge, chart-topping 1981 album, Escape," the President said over the piano intro. "And I think we all know what it's like wanting to escape sometimes, don't we? Am I right?"

Watching Trump from the audience Doreen Rustbelt swooned. "He's got such a wonderful voice," she said, legs turning to jello. As the junior-vice-president of the Make America Great Again Fan Club, Rustbelt had been invited to  to join Trump in singing the classic Joe Cocker/Jennifer Warnes duet "(Love Lift Us) Up Where We Belong," from the tremendous 1982 hit film An Officer and a Gentleman.  

"He's almost as good as the real Steve Perry and way better than that Filipino wannabe," Rustbelt said before joining Trump onstage for the big finale. "When he sings about South Detroit and  living in a lonely world, you can tell he really understands people. I'm just so happy to have shared this special moment with our President and the ungrateful disaster queens of Puerto Rico."

By all accounts Rustbelt's duet with Trump was his best performance since teaming with his 2016 opponent Hillary Clinton for a cover of, "I Had the Time of My Life," from the 1987 box-office-smash, Dirty Dancing.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Elvis Trivia Nobody Has Ever Heard Before

Posted By on Wed, Aug 9, 2017 at 11:25 AM

tumblr_mwgnhpJ3TH1qcr2rio1_500.gif

On the lighter side...
This column was originally published in honor of Elvis Week, 2014. To commemorate the 40th-Anniversary of Presley's passing The Fly on the Wall staff is honored to re-publish a list of 73 heavily researched trivia items that had never been printed anywhere else previously and haven't been printed anywhere else since. Enjoy.

1. Elvis' favorite small appliance manufacturer was Sunbeam. It is rumored "Burning Love" was originally written as a jingle for the toaster manufacturer.


2. Elvis hated the comic strip Alley Oop, and would draw a fake mustache on the title character out of spite each week.

3. Elvis was considered for the lead role in The Godfather.

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4. Elvis loved funny hats.

5. Elvis' favorite flavor of Laffy Taffy was banana.

6. The name Elvis contains five letters including two vowels.

7. Elvis's favorite band was Winger.


Elvis first encountered 80's band Winger in a meditative vision of the future.

8. Elvis' middle name is commonly misspelled. It is actually "Aronn"

9. Elvis wrote To Kill A Mockingbird under the pseudonym of Harper Lee.

Elvis first and only novel.
  • Elvis' first and only novel.

10. Elvis was an honorary member of the National Society of Quail Enthusiasts.

11. Elvis' favorite Mexican food? Tacos.

12. Designers presented Elvis with more than 170 shades of white and off white before manufacturing the first iconic jumpsuit.

13. Elvis gave all of his close friends unusual nicknames. He affectionately referred to Col. Tom Parker as “Turd Blossom.”

14. Elvis often wore a disguise consisting of a top hat, monocle, and false mustache to go out in public as Lord Jiggleton. He would greet people by simply shouting "Blimey!" at them in a loud, fake British accent.

15. Elvis often engaged in jelly bean eating contests with Red West. Red always let him win.

16. Elvis' favorite sexual position was abstinence. His second favorite: missionary. His third favorite: The bearded bugler.

17. Elvis and George Klein would often do puppet shows for Dutch children, which delighted the youth to no end!

18. The hit song "Return to Sender" was inspired by the true story of a man who mailed a letter only to have it returned.

New Zealand
  • New Zealand

19. Elvis was the first person to have contact with New Zealanders.

20. Elvis preferred black shoelaces.

21. Elvis called Vegas "Las Nashville."

22. Elvis owned a hound dog named Butta. It was surprisingly quiet.

23. Elvis had a giraffe named Becky that he kept in his jungle room.

24. Elvis’ favorite female vocalist was Roy Orbison.

25. Elvis regarded the Jungle Room as a vast improvement over the original Tundra Room.

26. Elvis’ favorite Halloween costume: Julia Child.

Halloween, 1976
  • Halloween, 1976

27. After discovering he was too tall to be an astronaut Elvis started his own space program.

28. The most rare Elvis recording is of his live "The King's Klezemer Kavalcade" recorded in 1971 in the Catskills.

29. Elvis once used his karate skills to defeat an entire ax gang.

30. For Elvis, no day was complete without prank calling Robert Goulet. Elvis pretended to be a DJ calling from a local radio station. He told Goulet he was giving away a fabulous prize and the first lucky listener to drop by the station would collect. As a result, employees at KXPT Las Vegas thought Goulet was “nutty as a sack of pecans.”

31. Given a choice, Elvis preferred several tiny marshmallows to one large one in a mug of hot chocolate.

32. Elvis beat Chuck Norris so badly in a karate fight...

33. Elvis hated the word smudge. He would punch anybody who said it.

34. Elvis loved a good knock knock joke.

35. Elvis' favorite American inventor: George Washington Carver

36. When asked about Ann Margaret, Elvis would often smile and say "Yeah, she is pretty!"

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37. Elvis invented the roomba.

38. When in Vegas, Elvis would often call Sammy Davis, Jr. and demand he bring him a Clark Bar. When Sammy refused, Elvis would yell "Well, you don't seem like much of a candy man to me!"

39. Elvis was pretty adamant in his position that Submariner was superior to Aquaman.

40. Whenever Elvis played Monopoly, he insisted on being the thimble, and he refused to utilize that house rule where you put fees in Free Parking and then whoever lands there gets them. "That's just too much, luck, Jack!"


41. If you play In the Ghetto Backwards you can hear somebody saying what sounds like, "Ottehg eht ni."


42. During Gandhi's hunger strike, Elvis would call daily to offer him a peanut butter banana and bacon sandwich. He genuinely wanted to be helpful.

43. Elvis gave away more El Caminos than Cadillacs

El Camino: Comfort of a car, convenience of a truck
  • El Camino: Comfort of a car, convenience of a truck

44. Elvis's unfinished last movie "King-Fu" was described as "Blue Hawaii" meets "Enter the Dragon".

45. Elvis had the bomb even before the British.

46. Richard Nixon made Elvis an honorary commissioner of the Federal Reserve, complete with voting rights.

47. Elvis made most of his money as a striker for Manchester United.

48. In addition to his love of gospel, Elvis also studied Qawwali,the devotional music of Sufis, which is credited with helping him maintain his voice.

49. Elvis’s Memphis Mafia accidentally invented Frisbee Golf while doing dishes one day.

50. While serving in the army Elvis met and befriended a young Andre the Giant. The 1959 single “Big Hunk of Love” was inspired by their friendship.

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51. Elvis was allergic to his own hair color, which is why he dyed it black.

52. Elvis once got into a Scimitar duel with the Sultan of Brunei.

53. In order to save on maintenance costs, Elvis and Charlie Hodge became certified TV Repairmen.

54. Elvis had a private subway that ran from Graceland to the basement of Godfather's Pizza in Overton Square

55. Elvis had a beloved pet Vietnamese Potbelly Pig, he called Pig E

56. Elvis was once offered the role of the zeppelin pilot in a film called "HindenBoogie"

57. Elvis once threw an urn at Slim Whitman's head.

58. While in the army, Elvis was used as a subject in the MK-Ultra experiments.

59. Elvis would often rent out the Memphian theater to enjoy private showings of the films of Ingmar Bergman.

60. Elvis used to rent out Libertyland for parties and would amuse guests by playing "Whack-A-George-Klein"

61. Vernon Presley's favorite meal was Cream of Spaghettios.

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62. Gladys Presley's favorite meal was regular Spaghettios.

63. Elvis Presley bought Graceland because he thought it was cool that it was on a street that had his name on it.

64. Elvis sometimes felt that cucumbers were spying on him.

65. When he was not performing, Elvis would often wear a beard of bees for days at a time.

66. Elvis only discovered his musical powers after he watched a robber shoot his wealthy parents in an alleyway.

67. Elvis would often leave pies cooling on a window sill only to have them stolen by lovable neighborhood scamps.

68. Portrayed Avery Schreiber in three episodes of Chico and the Man.

Elvis with Jack Albertson and Freddy Prinze
  • Elvis with Jack Albertson and Freddy Prinze

69. Elvis once fought alongside the armies of man and dwarf to put down the Dark Lord Sauron and save Middle Earth.

70. Elvis created a chain of yogurt shops called "Taking Care of Business Yogurt". This was later shortened to YOLO.

71. Elvis' final thoughts were of Rosebud, a sled he had as a child which symbolized lost innocence, youth and the love of his mother. We think. It's up to interpretation.

72. Priscilla was replaced by a wax figure in 1972.

73. Elvis played bass for a few months in KISS in 1976. His face makeup theme was "The Catfish"

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Fly on the Wall is compiled by Chris Davis with funniness provided by The Wiseguys.


Wednesday, July 19, 2017

RDC Announces Plan to Raise Atlantis

Posted By on Wed, Jul 19, 2017 at 4:12 PM

Original Graceland?
  • Original Graceland?
At a press conference in their Front Street headquarters on Tuesday, the Riverfront Development Corporation (RDC) told an assembly of reporters and city officials of plans to raise Atlantis from the bottom of the Mississippi River.

The "continent" of Atlantis, home to an advanced civilization of peaceful citizen-philosophers, was described by Plato in 360 BC as lying “beyond the pillars of Heracleas" and for centuries, that was interpreted to mean the missing landmass was located in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. But RDC researchers discovered that Plato’s words were mistranslated. “He really said that Atlantis was just west of Mud Island,” RDC President Benny Lendermon explains. “We were as surprised as anyone.”

Dressed in what he called “full regalia of Atlantean royalty,” Lendermon said the RDC's bold plan was developed after years of careful research by archeologists, engineers, and shamans. Using evidence from geological surveys, satellite imagery, crystal skull phrenology, and dusty tomes of uncertain origin found in the Memphis Room of the Public Library, Lendermon believes the RDC has finally pinpointed the legendary island's exact location in the deepest channel of the Mississippi River.
After determining Atlantis’ location, RDC members made psychic contact with the Atlanteans while in an ayahuasca-induced trance state. “They want to bring peace and prosperity to the Above World,” Lendermon says. “We think this is a great opportunity to connect Memphians and tourists to the riverfront.”

The plans, unveiled today in a polished Keynote pitch deck, require the use of “probably no more than five” small nuclear explosives in and around the area of the river where this astonishing race of enlightened supermen have been living in secret tranquility for thousands of years.

“We ran our plan past the Atlantean Council of Wisdom, and they’re totally cool with it,” says Lindermon, who expects the disruption to be minimal

Once the glistening jade spires of legend and lore are restored to their rightful place high above the Chickasaw Bluff, the RDC plan calls for a boardwalk with interpretive signs to be built along the riverfront next to a submarine taxi-stand and a rock climbing wall. So far the RDC has offered no response to further requests for clarification regarding a pentagonal section of the architectural rendering marked “Sacrificial Altar Complex."

Mayor Jim Strickland praised the plan, saying the city’s investment in the RDC was finally paying off. “You don’t really think we’ve shoveling money at these people for all these years just for a boat dock and a restaurant, do you?”

At press time, efforts to contact the Atlantean Council of Wisdom had not been successful.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Fancy Art Critic "Knocked Out" by Memphis Pedestrian Crossings

Posted By on Fri, Jul 14, 2017 at 2:23 PM

Modern Masterpiece.
  • Modern Masterpiece.
Dolly Salvador says nobody could have prepared her for the raw, terrifying beauty of Memphis' colorful pedestrian crossings.

"It's an incredible play on the whole concept of street art," says Salvador, the longtime critic for Over the Couch Quarterly and founding editor of Fancy Art magazine. "The fact that it was created by "the Man," as they say, only makes it that much more subversive and so right now.'"

Salvador came to Memphis because she'd seen pictures of the crosswalks posted online and knew she had to see them in person. 
"They're even more magnificent than I expected," she says. "You can tell that there's rigid order here if you're looking down on it from above — that it was imagined as part of some real improvement. Then you drive up on it in your car and BAM, perspective transforms it into something disorienting, and a little chaotic. It creates this instant sense of paranoia, like all the nice, modern things invented to make life simpler are driving us mad. Such a perfect summation of our current techno-political malaise."

Memphis is hardly the first city to experiment with color coded intersections. "But it's so visually brutal," Salvador purrs. "I don't know how they did that using basic green and white strokes and those variously shaped patches of blue in the corners, but I love it so, so much."


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Tour Brings Memphis’ Historic Parking Lot District to Life

Posted By on Wed, May 31, 2017 at 10:58 AM

Development as Metaphor
  • Development as Metaphor
Bing Hampton plants himself in what he describes as “the spiritual epicenter,” of Memphis’ Pinch district, in front of an iconic piece of architecture, and a humble sign reading, “PAY HERE IN ADVANCE.” Once settled, the activist turned entrepreneur begins a colorful, expletive-laden folk tale about a, “mighty pyramid-shaped fishing lure,” built by Memphis’ civic leaders to win favor with the professional sports franchise Gods. Growing more excited with every word he tells the stories of brave young men with bulldozers who flattened all the crappy antique buildings that once blighted that stretch of N. Main, and laid down a lush carpet of asphalt for overflow sports fans to park on. As the founder, CEO, and lone employee of $5-Parking Lot Tours, Hampton worries that new plans to redevelop Memphis's first commercial district will result in the loss of some of the city’s most historically important pavement.

Hampton's passionate about his topic and walks the lot like a minister, dropping knowledge as he goes. “Only the finest white and yellow pigment was used,” he shouts. “It’s widely accepted that Pinch-style striping set a new standard for affordable surface rental.”

Parking wasn't the only thing going on in the pinch in the 90's and early 2000's.“You could purchase all sorts of goods and services here,” Hampton says. “You could get your windows washed, pick up a loose cigarette, and maybe get a good deal on a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD. One time I bought a whole case of 60-watt light bulbs for $3.”

The urge to preserve is relatively new to Hampton. “I think I first started paying attention to what was going on in 2013 when they tore down the Taco Bell that had been built on top of the Taliesyn Ballroom where the Sex Pistols played on their disastrous 1978 American tour," he says. "Then they went built a brand new Taco Bell on top of all that. Where does that kind of madness end?”

Hampton’s a realist. “I don’t expect to save all these beautiful old parking lots,” he says, noting how empty, and quiet everything is nowadays — how clean the air is now that there’s no good reason to choke the district with automobiles. “It really is a paved-over paradise,” he says. “And I know they’ll never replace it with anything half as nice.”



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