Monday, October 2, 2017

President Dedicates Karaoke Performance to Puerto Rico

Posted By on Mon, Oct 2, 2017 at 1:09 PM

"Huey Lewis & the News' early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically." — President Donald Trump, karaoke enthusiast.
  • "Huey Lewis & the News' early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically." — President Donald Trump, karaoke enthusiast.
Following a long weekend of golf and golf-related activities President Donald J. Trump decided to blow off a little steam at the Jersey City Karaoke Club where he made a somber dedication. “What is happening is horrible," he said, holding one index finger aloft as if to indicate this is where his story begins, not where it ends.  "But, in spite of all the things you may have heard, we've got this disaster thing under really great control and all the people who have really suffered over this last short period of time with the hurricanes, I want to just remember them.

"This one's for you Puerto Rico," President Trump said as the familiar opening to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" started to play.

"This is from the band's huge, chart-topping 1981 album, Escape," the President said over the piano intro. "And I think we all know what it's like wanting to escape sometimes, don't we? Am I right?"

Watching Trump from the audience Doreen Rustbelt swooned. "He's got such a wonderful voice," she said, legs turning to jello. As the junior-vice-president of the Make America Great Again Fan Club, Rustbelt had been invited to  to join Trump in singing the classic Joe Cocker/Jennifer Warnes duet "(Love Lift Us) Up Where We Belong," from the tremendous 1982 hit film An Officer and a Gentleman.  

"He's almost as good as the real Steve Perry and way better than that Filipino wannabe," Rustbelt said before joining Trump onstage for the big finale. "When he sings about South Detroit and  living in a lonely world, you can tell he really understands people. I'm just so happy to have shared this special moment with our President and the ungrateful disaster queens of Puerto Rico."

By all accounts Rustbelt's duet with Trump was his best performance since teaming with his 2016 opponent Hillary Clinton for a cover of, "I Had the Time of My Life," from the 1987 box-office-smash, Dirty Dancing.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Elvis Trivia Nobody Has Ever Heard Before

Posted By on Wed, Aug 9, 2017 at 11:25 AM


On the lighter side...
This column was originally published in honor of Elvis Week, 2014. To commemorate the 40th-Anniversary of Presley's passing The Fly on the Wall staff is honored to re-publish a list of 73 heavily researched trivia items that had never been printed anywhere else previously and haven't been printed anywhere else since. Enjoy.

1. Elvis' favorite small appliance manufacturer was Sunbeam. It is rumored "Burning Love" was originally written as a jingle for the toaster manufacturer.

2. Elvis hated the comic strip Alley Oop, and would draw a fake mustache on the title character out of spite each week.

3. Elvis was considered for the lead role in The Godfather.


4. Elvis loved funny hats.

5. Elvis' favorite flavor of Laffy Taffy was banana.

6. The name Elvis contains five letters including two vowels.

7. Elvis's favorite band was Winger.

Elvis first encountered 80's band Winger in a meditative vision of the future.

8. Elvis' middle name is commonly misspelled. It is actually "Aronn"

9. Elvis wrote To Kill A Mockingbird under the pseudonym of Harper Lee.

Elvis first and only novel.
  • Elvis' first and only novel.

10. Elvis was an honorary member of the National Society of Quail Enthusiasts.

11. Elvis' favorite Mexican food? Tacos.

12. Designers presented Elvis with more than 170 shades of white and off white before manufacturing the first iconic jumpsuit.

13. Elvis gave all of his close friends unusual nicknames. He affectionately referred to Col. Tom Parker as “Turd Blossom.”

14. Elvis often wore a disguise consisting of a top hat, monocle, and false mustache to go out in public as Lord Jiggleton. He would greet people by simply shouting "Blimey!" at them in a loud, fake British accent.

15. Elvis often engaged in jelly bean eating contests with Red West. Red always let him win.

16. Elvis' favorite sexual position was abstinence. His second favorite: missionary. His third favorite: The bearded bugler.

17. Elvis and George Klein would often do puppet shows for Dutch children, which delighted the youth to no end!

18. The hit song "Return to Sender" was inspired by the true story of a man who mailed a letter only to have it returned.

New Zealand
  • New Zealand

19. Elvis was the first person to have contact with New Zealanders.

20. Elvis preferred black shoelaces.

21. Elvis called Vegas "Las Nashville."

22. Elvis owned a hound dog named Butta. It was surprisingly quiet.

23. Elvis had a giraffe named Becky that he kept in his jungle room.

24. Elvis’ favorite female vocalist was Roy Orbison.

25. Elvis regarded the Jungle Room as a vast improvement over the original Tundra Room.

26. Elvis’ favorite Halloween costume: Julia Child.

Halloween, 1976
  • Halloween, 1976

27. After discovering he was too tall to be an astronaut Elvis started his own space program.

28. The most rare Elvis recording is of his live "The King's Klezemer Kavalcade" recorded in 1971 in the Catskills.

29. Elvis once used his karate skills to defeat an entire ax gang.

30. For Elvis, no day was complete without prank calling Robert Goulet. Elvis pretended to be a DJ calling from a local radio station. He told Goulet he was giving away a fabulous prize and the first lucky listener to drop by the station would collect. As a result, employees at KXPT Las Vegas thought Goulet was “nutty as a sack of pecans.”

31. Given a choice, Elvis preferred several tiny marshmallows to one large one in a mug of hot chocolate.

32. Elvis beat Chuck Norris so badly in a karate fight...

33. Elvis hated the word smudge. He would punch anybody who said it.

34. Elvis loved a good knock knock joke.

35. Elvis' favorite American inventor: George Washington Carver

36. When asked about Ann Margaret, Elvis would often smile and say "Yeah, she is pretty!"


37. Elvis invented the roomba.

38. When in Vegas, Elvis would often call Sammy Davis, Jr. and demand he bring him a Clark Bar. When Sammy refused, Elvis would yell "Well, you don't seem like much of a candy man to me!"

39. Elvis was pretty adamant in his position that Submariner was superior to Aquaman.

40. Whenever Elvis played Monopoly, he insisted on being the thimble, and he refused to utilize that house rule where you put fees in Free Parking and then whoever lands there gets them. "That's just too much, luck, Jack!"

41. If you play In the Ghetto Backwards you can hear somebody saying what sounds like, "Ottehg eht ni."

42. During Gandhi's hunger strike, Elvis would call daily to offer him a peanut butter banana and bacon sandwich. He genuinely wanted to be helpful.

43. Elvis gave away more El Caminos than Cadillacs

El Camino: Comfort of a car, convenience of a truck
  • El Camino: Comfort of a car, convenience of a truck

44. Elvis's unfinished last movie "King-Fu" was described as "Blue Hawaii" meets "Enter the Dragon".

45. Elvis had the bomb even before the British.

46. Richard Nixon made Elvis an honorary commissioner of the Federal Reserve, complete with voting rights.

47. Elvis made most of his money as a striker for Manchester United.

48. In addition to his love of gospel, Elvis also studied Qawwali,the devotional music of Sufis, which is credited with helping him maintain his voice.

49. Elvis’s Memphis Mafia accidentally invented Frisbee Golf while doing dishes one day.

50. While serving in the army Elvis met and befriended a young Andre the Giant. The 1959 single “Big Hunk of Love” was inspired by their friendship.


51. Elvis was allergic to his own hair color, which is why he dyed it black.

52. Elvis once got into a Scimitar duel with the Sultan of Brunei.

53. In order to save on maintenance costs, Elvis and Charlie Hodge became certified TV Repairmen.

54. Elvis had a private subway that ran from Graceland to the basement of Godfather's Pizza in Overton Square

55. Elvis had a beloved pet Vietnamese Potbelly Pig, he called Pig E

56. Elvis was once offered the role of the zeppelin pilot in a film called "HindenBoogie"

57. Elvis once threw an urn at Slim Whitman's head.

58. While in the army, Elvis was used as a subject in the MK-Ultra experiments.

59. Elvis would often rent out the Memphian theater to enjoy private showings of the films of Ingmar Bergman.

60. Elvis used to rent out Libertyland for parties and would amuse guests by playing "Whack-A-George-Klein"

61. Vernon Presley's favorite meal was Cream of Spaghettios.


62. Gladys Presley's favorite meal was regular Spaghettios.

63. Elvis Presley bought Graceland because he thought it was cool that it was on a street that had his name on it.

64. Elvis sometimes felt that cucumbers were spying on him.

65. When he was not performing, Elvis would often wear a beard of bees for days at a time.

66. Elvis only discovered his musical powers after he watched a robber shoot his wealthy parents in an alleyway.

67. Elvis would often leave pies cooling on a window sill only to have them stolen by lovable neighborhood scamps.

68. Portrayed Avery Schreiber in three episodes of Chico and the Man.

Elvis with Jack Albertson and Freddy Prinze
  • Elvis with Jack Albertson and Freddy Prinze

69. Elvis once fought alongside the armies of man and dwarf to put down the Dark Lord Sauron and save Middle Earth.

70. Elvis created a chain of yogurt shops called "Taking Care of Business Yogurt". This was later shortened to YOLO.

71. Elvis' final thoughts were of Rosebud, a sled he had as a child which symbolized lost innocence, youth and the love of his mother. We think. It's up to interpretation.

72. Priscilla was replaced by a wax figure in 1972.

73. Elvis played bass for a few months in KISS in 1976. His face makeup theme was "The Catfish"


Fly on the Wall is compiled by Chris Davis with funniness provided by The Wiseguys.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

RDC Announces Plan to Raise Atlantis

Posted By on Wed, Jul 19, 2017 at 4:12 PM

Original Graceland?
  • Original Graceland?
At a press conference in their Front Street headquarters on Tuesday, the Riverfront Development Corporation (RDC) told an assembly of reporters and city officials of plans to raise Atlantis from the bottom of the Mississippi River.

The "continent" of Atlantis, home to an advanced civilization of peaceful citizen-philosophers, was described by Plato in 360 BC as lying “beyond the pillars of Heracleas" and for centuries, that was interpreted to mean the missing landmass was located in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. But RDC researchers discovered that Plato’s words were mistranslated. “He really said that Atlantis was just west of Mud Island,” RDC President Benny Lendermon explains. “We were as surprised as anyone.”

Dressed in what he called “full regalia of Atlantean royalty,” Lendermon said the RDC's bold plan was developed after years of careful research by archeologists, engineers, and shamans. Using evidence from geological surveys, satellite imagery, crystal skull phrenology, and dusty tomes of uncertain origin found in the Memphis Room of the Public Library, Lendermon believes the RDC has finally pinpointed the legendary island's exact location in the deepest channel of the Mississippi River.
After determining Atlantis’ location, RDC members made psychic contact with the Atlanteans while in an ayahuasca-induced trance state. “They want to bring peace and prosperity to the Above World,” Lendermon says. “We think this is a great opportunity to connect Memphians and tourists to the riverfront.”

The plans, unveiled today in a polished Keynote pitch deck, require the use of “probably no more than five” small nuclear explosives in and around the area of the river where this astonishing race of enlightened supermen have been living in secret tranquility for thousands of years.

“We ran our plan past the Atlantean Council of Wisdom, and they’re totally cool with it,” says Lindermon, who expects the disruption to be minimal

Once the glistening jade spires of legend and lore are restored to their rightful place high above the Chickasaw Bluff, the RDC plan calls for a boardwalk with interpretive signs to be built along the riverfront next to a submarine taxi-stand and a rock climbing wall. So far the RDC has offered no response to further requests for clarification regarding a pentagonal section of the architectural rendering marked “Sacrificial Altar Complex."

Mayor Jim Strickland praised the plan, saying the city’s investment in the RDC was finally paying off. “You don’t really think we’ve shoveling money at these people for all these years just for a boat dock and a restaurant, do you?”

At press time, efforts to contact the Atlantean Council of Wisdom had not been successful.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Fancy Art Critic "Knocked Out" by Memphis Pedestrian Crossings

Posted By on Fri, Jul 14, 2017 at 2:23 PM

Modern Masterpiece.
  • Modern Masterpiece.
Dolly Salvador says nobody could have prepared her for the raw, terrifying beauty of Memphis' colorful pedestrian crossings.

"It's an incredible play on the whole concept of street art," says Salvador, the longtime critic for Over the Couch Quarterly and founding editor of Fancy Art magazine. "The fact that it was created by "the Man," as they say, only makes it that much more subversive and so right now.'"

Salvador came to Memphis because she'd seen pictures of the crosswalks posted online and knew she had to see them in person. 
"They're even more magnificent than I expected," she says. "You can tell that there's rigid order here if you're looking down on it from above — that it was imagined as part of some real improvement. Then you drive up on it in your car and BAM, perspective transforms it into something disorienting, and a little chaotic. It creates this instant sense of paranoia, like all the nice, modern things invented to make life simpler are driving us mad. Such a perfect summation of our current techno-political malaise."

Memphis is hardly the first city to experiment with color coded intersections. "But it's so visually brutal," Salvador purrs. "I don't know how they did that using basic green and white strokes and those variously shaped patches of blue in the corners, but I love it so, so much."

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Tour Brings Memphis’ Historic Parking Lot District to Life

Posted By on Wed, May 31, 2017 at 10:58 AM

Development as Metaphor
  • Development as Metaphor
Bing Hampton plants himself in what he describes as “the spiritual epicenter,” of Memphis’ Pinch district, in front of an iconic piece of architecture, and a humble sign reading, “PAY HERE IN ADVANCE.” Once settled, the activist turned entrepreneur begins a colorful, expletive-laden folk tale about a, “mighty pyramid-shaped fishing lure,” built by Memphis’ civic leaders to win favor with the professional sports franchise Gods. Growing more excited with every word he tells the stories of brave young men with bulldozers who flattened all the crappy antique buildings that once blighted that stretch of N. Main, and laid down a lush carpet of asphalt for overflow sports fans to park on. As the founder, CEO, and lone employee of $5-Parking Lot Tours, Hampton worries that new plans to redevelop Memphis's first commercial district will result in the loss of some of the city’s most historically important pavement.

Hampton's passionate about his topic and walks the lot like a minister, dropping knowledge as he goes. “Only the finest white and yellow pigment was used,” he shouts. “It’s widely accepted that Pinch-style striping set a new standard for affordable surface rental.”

Parking wasn't the only thing going on in the pinch in the 90's and early 2000's.“You could purchase all sorts of goods and services here,” Hampton says. “You could get your windows washed, pick up a loose cigarette, and maybe get a good deal on a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD. One time I bought a whole case of 60-watt light bulbs for $3.”

The urge to preserve is relatively new to Hampton. “I think I first started paying attention to what was going on in 2013 when they tore down the Taco Bell that had been built on top of the Taliesyn Ballroom where the Sex Pistols played on their disastrous 1978 American tour," he says. "Then they went built a brand new Taco Bell on top of all that. Where does that kind of madness end?”

Hampton’s a realist. “I don’t expect to save all these beautiful old parking lots,” he says, noting how empty, and quiet everything is nowadays — how clean the air is now that there’s no good reason to choke the district with automobiles. “It really is a paved-over paradise,” he says. “And I know they’ll never replace it with anything half as nice.”

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Bartender Turns Off TV During Band Set, World Ends

Posted By on Thu, May 18, 2017 at 2:35 PM

  • Kablooie
The world ended Wed, May 17, 2017 when Ima Moran, a part time bartender at Shenanigans, accidentally turned off the TV while attempting to change channels.

“I knew better,” Moran was quoted as saying as she fell deeper and deeper into the endless abyss. “Even though it seems like a distraction and a terrible discourtesy, you’re never, ever, ever supposed to turn the TV off while the band is playing. But I never dreamed something like this could happen.”

Ike Anteven, a regular at the Cordova watering hole, blames himself. “You know, I’m not all that into music,” he explained just before he froze to death. “I thought maybe Ima could see if there was a good game on or something. If I’d just been content reading the FOX news crawler, everything would be normal now and not, AAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!”

Edianna Crusier, vocalist for the popular Dark Side Band had a more positive spin on the situation: “I always said, just one time — just one goddamn time before I die — I wish they’d turn the TV off while we’re playing.”

Physics professor Barnaby Jones says nobody’s sure what kept the Earth from exploding when bands played in taverns and dance halls prior to the invention of the TV. “It’s a mystery,” he said as his head was sliced off in a sudden debris storm.

Jesus it's getting cold. I...

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

US Military to Weaponize Alligators Trump Announces

Posted By on Tue, May 2, 2017 at 11:38 AM

Artist's rendering by POTUS
  • Artist's rendering by POTUS
"It's just a tremendous thing you can do with these animals," President Donald Trump told a hastily assembled group of top military officials. "They're like living dinosaurs, it's just the most amazing thing you've ever seen."

Inspired by a half-remembered song about former president Andrew Jackson's victory at the Battle of New Orleans, Trump laid out a plan to expand the American military by rounding up alligators and turning them into rocket launchers.

"It's an incredible natural resource," the President said of the threatened species. "What Jackson did with them — amazing really — is he'd fill their head with cannon balls. Such a good idea. One of the best I've ever heard. Then he'd take the gunpowder and — well, I'm sure everybody can guess where that went. Little fire. Bam! Japanese never knew what hit them."

Trump asked an aide to lower the room lights then asked the assembled group to close their eyes and imagine with him. "Imagine you're North Korea," he said. "And one day you look up and all you can see is alligators falling from the sky shooting rockets out of their mouths.

"That's Jackson for you," the President concluded, admiringly. "Ahead of his time. Fine looking head of hair too." 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Memphis as Fake: Top 5 Fly on the Wall Parodies of 2016

Posted By on Wed, Dec 14, 2016 at 2:31 PM

Fake news has been getting a bad rap, and it's about time too. But, as this column will hopefully (and helpfully!) illustrate, not all fake news is created equal. (Equally?) Anyway, it's not all the same. And while your pesky Fly on the Wall trucks primarily in reality, news parodies have always been one of the site's most popular components. Occasionally we fool people, but that's never the goal, and unlike all that other fake news out there, you can tell our facts from our fiction by the "parody" tab at the top of the page.

Judging by this year's most liked and shared parodies Fly on the Wall readers are a twisted, artistically-minded bunch with a taste for dumb puns and dark slapstick. You're my kind of people and, in order of ascending popularity, your favorites were...
Rock on.
  • Rock on.

5. When Memphians started painting rocks and hiding them like Easter eggs...
Memphis Facing Severe Unpainted Rock Crisis

It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning and 87-year-old Tony Lancilunghi would normally be roaming the city with his rolling shopping cart in search of the city's flattest, roundest stones. Lancilunghi is a competitive stone skipper, who hadn't missed a day's practice since he was seven years old. Until last week, anyway, when the old timer says he took up whittling.

"I didn't know there was some rule about taking more than one," he spits defiantly. "I saw some of them were painted up to look like the California Raisins, but I don't give two hoots about any of that hippity-hop mess." Click to continue...
A very serious person.
  • A very serious person.
4. When people thought a Black Lives Matters protest was too disruptive...

Polite East Memphis Demonstration Goes Unnoticed

Members of the Nice Lives Matter movement have expressed mild, thoughtfully worded disappointment that their orderly, single-file march down Tuckahoe Rd from S. Goodlett to Perkins Ext., and back again, was completely ignored and accomplished nothing. Click to continue...
Scene of the crime.
  • Scene of the crime.
3. When a Memphis tiger did nothing for the city's reputation...

Memphis Zoo's Tiger Says He Isn't Sorry

Mohan, the male Sumatran tiger on loan to the Sacramento Zoo from Memphis says he doesn't feel the least bit bad about actions resulting in the death of female Sumatran tiger Baha.

"Am I sorry for killing her," Mohan asks rhetorically. "Well, it's regrettable, I suppose, that some people's feelings have been hurt as a result of what happened yesterday. But c'mon. I'm a fucking tiger. I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird." Click to continue...
BFFs no more.
  • BFFs no more.
2. When dicks go rogue...

Zoo President Shot After Falling Into Gorilla Enclosure

Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense." Click to continue...
When the going gets weird...
  • When the going gets weird...
1. When Donald Trump was elected POTUS...

Trump Taps Prince Mongo For Secretary of the Interior

In a surprise 3 a.m. announcement President-elect Donald J. Trump said notorious alien/Memphian Prince Mongo would join his cabinet as Secretary of the Interior. Click to continue...

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Trump Taps Prince Mongo For Secretary of the Interior

Posted By on Thu, Nov 10, 2016 at 8:01 AM

In a surprise 3 a.m. announcement President-elect Donald J. Trump said notorious alien/Memphian Prince Mongo would  join his cabinet as Secretary of the Interior.

"Oh spirits, this was such a wonderful surprise," says Mongo, who's dabbled in Memphis politics for much of his life on Earth, but never held office. "The President-elect said he was looking around on Facebook, just killing a little time, and he saw my new profile picture, and knew I was the spirit for the job."

Mongo admits he was surprised to discover that, while the position is called "Secretary of the Interior," much of his job concerned land management, parks, and the the great outdoors.

"All I know is we're gonna do some decorating," Mongo said excitedly. "I've already got plans for the Grand Canyon that involves miles and miles of clothesline, and some really beautiful underpants designed for larger women."

According to Mongo his conversation with Trump was short but good.

"He asked where I saw myself in 5-years," Mongo says. The answer: "Working closely with the administration in its second term, of course. Only this time I'm Rubber Chicken czar."

Friday, October 7, 2016

Memphis Facing Severe Unpainted Rock Crisis

Posted By on Fri, Oct 7, 2016 at 11:31 AM

Graffiti artist and all purpose vandal Ashlyn Brax pulls his hoodie up and looks both ways before exiting his dorm room. "Shit's not right," he mutters straddling a rickety cruiser and turning its front wheel towards a derelict industrial neighborhood. "The whole point of a rock is it's an anonymous message," he complains. "It's Fist-sized and perfect for knocking out windows in buildings that need to be fixed or knocked down. But it's so much easier to identify the thrower if the rocks have Yodas and shit painted all over them."

Brax's complaint doesn't yield much in the way of public sympathy. Most sources interviewed agreed that curtailing the destruction of property is a good thing, but his is only one of numerous problems Memphians face resulting from a recent mania for painting cute, colorful, family-friendly images on rocks and hiding them in plain sight like so many tooth-breaking easter eggs. The craze has resulted in what some experts are describing as a, "severe unpainted rock crisis."

It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning and 87-year-old Tony Lancilunghi would normally be roaming the city with his rolling shopping cart in search of the city's flattest, roundest stones. Lancilunghi is a competitive stone skipper, who hadn't missed a day's practice since he was seven years old. Until last week, anyway, when the old timer says he took up whittling. 

"I didn't know there was some rule about taking more than one," he spits defiantly. "I saw some of them were painted up to look like the California Raisins, but I don't give two hoots about any of that hippity-hop mess." So Lancilunghi, who's won several regional titles, and is ranked in the top 500 stone skippers worldwide took a bucket of painted stones to the lake at Shelby Farms where he swears they "skipped even better than an unpainted rock." Shortly thereafter the internet shaming campaign began.

"People shouldn't take more than one painted rock per person," one commenter said while someone else complained, "That old man drowned my babies," and another responded, "#rocklivesmatter."

A rock painter using the handle Thanksy is furious: "It's bad enough that artists are expected to practically give our work away for free as it is, now we put so much time and effort into making common gravel look like the live action cast of Scooby Doo and some jackass just comes along and dumps them in the river? Sad."

Noted regional geologist Bif Berman says he's all about civic pride, unity, and getting outside and looking at rocks, but he's not a fan of the latest fad. "To paint the rock suggests there was something wrong or incomplete about this beautiful piece of sculpture Mother Nature made without spending a dime at Hobby Lobby.

"Imagine the public outcry," Berman concludes, "If some group started painting Sponge Bob on stray dogs or shaving the local squirrel population. Rocks have dignity too. Only they express it over eons, in a language most Americans don't speak." 

Friday, September 30, 2016

Marsha Blackburn Tries Out New Supervillain Catchphrase

Posted By on Fri, Sep 30, 2016 at 11:11 AM

"It is not in a warming trend!"
  • "It is not in a warming trend!"
Recent comments by U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) have been taken out of context by a mainstream media that refuses to acknowledge that Blackburn — long dismissed as an intellectual lightweight — is an evil genius hellbent on destroying the solar system with her new, improved weather gun.

"Is climate change manmade?" Blackburn asked rhetorically in a short phone interview. "No! For I am WOMAN!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" And then she hung up.

For years Blackburn's anti-science positions have functioned as cover for her own abominable experiments and an opportunity to divert funds away from potential evil rivals and NASA.
Blackburn has been criticized for recent comments to Huffington Post. Although "I think the Earth is in a cooling trend," was spoken in response to questions about Donald Trump's debate performance, it was essentially the Tennessee Legislator trying out the line she plans to shout when she finally zaps President Obama with her blizzard ray.

Comic book nerds agree it's bad science and worse policy but, as a catchphrase, it's kitschy and kind of delicious. 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Mural Project Brings Hope to Affluent Neighborhood

Posted By on Fri, Sep 23, 2016 at 11:20 AM

Donna Justis - S. MANN
  • S. Mann
  • Donna Justis
Donna Justis wants to change the world, one colorful wall at a time.

“You know, I grew up in an affluent neighborhood,” the 34-year-old artist and media relations specialist says. “I still live in one. So I understand how scared people are out there, especially in the really nice parts of town.”

With funding from an Urban Embetterment grant Justis and six other artists will create a dozen cheerful murals with the same comforting message: “You Are Safe.”

“It’s not that there’s nothing to be afraid of,” Justis explains. “But statistically speaking people who live in nicer neighborhoods shoulder a disproportionate amount of fear, worry, and concern about things like crime, brutal mayhem, drug dealers they didn’t meet in college, and things like that. It's not right, and nobody's out there doing anything about it.”

With her large scale mural project the artist wants to remind people in nice homes, who’ve lost hope and become shut ins, glued to police scanners and American Family Radio, that they don’t have the 5-0 rolling down the street shining spotlights at all hours, and are far less likely to come to a bad, criminally violent end than pretty much anybody.

“Is anybody ever really safe?” Justis ponders. “Well, yes. Yes, they are. I mean, not 100% of course, because bad things happen. Scary things. Crazy things happen. But if you’re living anywhere near one of these murals the odds are so in your favor you should stop freaking out and live a little.”

Anna Lingus, president of the Association of Neighborhood Associations is outraged by Justis’ proposal. “None of this meets AOA standards,” she wrote in an e-mail to members. “I don’t know who these people think they  are coming in here with their awful colors and silly patronizing messages, but nobody wants this tacky mess and it’s not going to happen.”

Justis isn't deterred by criticism. "It's a shame," she says. "We have all these perfectly wealthy people and they're too afraid to even dream."

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Polite East Memphis Demonstration Goes Unnoticed

Posted By on Tue, Aug 16, 2016 at 1:50 PM

Jay Walker
  • Jay Walker
Members of the Nice Lives Matter movement have expressed mild, thoughtfully worded disappointment that their orderly, single-file march down Tuckahoe Rd from S. Goodlett to Perkins Ext., and back again, was completely ignored and accomplished nothing.

Jay Walker, who organized a post-march backyard picnic for protesters and the media says he’s not mad as hell, and will continue to "take it" as there are no considerate alternatives. But Walker's not giving up, and plans to write an open letter to area politicians and the Memphis media, enumerating many positive things about the city, including his organization’s mission to make Shelby Co. a global hub for civil discourse.

“Look,” Walker says. “We didn’t expect to be the lead story at 10, but we expected something. Maybe a Chopper-5 flyby, or some small police presence to protect us from counter-protesters.”

Fortunately for Walker, and nine other people who showed up to march with posters reading, “Smile,” and, “Be Nice or Leave (Unless You Want to Stay),” there was no counter protest.

Nice Lives Matter is an open and accepting group comprised primarily of white professionals committed to diversity and making the world a better place for everybody. Their next planned action is a sit-in at Bar Louie on Overton Square.

"We hope to lead by example." — Jay Walker, Memphis

“The goal of these sit-ins is to be just super nice to everybody, especially the wait staff, regardless of race or lifestyle. We hope to lead by example,” Walker says. “When you look at the people who are involved with this organization you see a lot of citizens who’ve always obeyed the laws and played by the rules. I don’t think there’s a person among us who’s ever been in trouble publicly, or gone to jail for any reason. We’re good examples — the sort of people you want to write about. The kind of people you want to put on TV.”

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

MATA CEO Still Not Sure When Burgers Will Be Done

Posted By on Tue, Jul 5, 2016 at 11:58 AM

Try the potato salad.
  • Try the potato salad.
It’s Tuesday, July 5 and MATA CEO Ron Garrison still can’t say when the hamburgers he was grilling for an Independence Day cookout will be done. Just over 10-pounds of pre-formed ground beef patties and six packages of Oscar Meyer "classic style" hotdogs were purchased Saturday, July 2nd to provide food for guests at Garrison's 4th of July party. A charcoal fire was lit at approximately 2 p.m., Monday, and a rustic wooden picnic table was spread with chips, dips, slaw, baked beans, and three different kinds of potato salad.

As of 10 a.m. Tuesday, July 5, no hamburgers or hotdogs had been served.

“I’m hungry,” partygoer Cara Street said, as she and her husband Beale watched the sun come up Tuesday morning. “I know Ron’s cooking just as fast as he can, but seriously, what the hell? These are pre-formed hamburger patties and hot dogs, it’s not like he’s making Chili en Nogada, or Coq au Vin. It’s not even like he’s making bratwursts.”

Garrison’s friend Bobby, who helped light the charcoal using his surefire dryer lint technique, says the meal was delayed as a result of safety concerns. “Everybody wants to get a nice sear on their burgers,” he explained. “But what’s really important is the internal temperature of the meat.”

“We’re making progress, but cannot give a definite timeline on either the burgers, or the dogs,” Garrison said, dipping his grill mop into a pot of Wicker’s. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Zoo President Shot After Falling Into Gorilla Enclosure

Posted By on Fri, Jul 1, 2016 at 7:05 PM

Former friends Chuck & MJ
  • Former friends Chuck & MJ
Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want  everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense."

According to Myst, Brady is "genetically hardwired" to be a dick. "This isn't really about the gorillas," she says. "If he hadn't been taken out of the picture quickly and efficiently, there's no doubt in my mind he'd have done tremendous self-inflicted damage to himself and to the zoo." 

Eyewitness and longtime Memphis Zoo member Clondyke Barr confirms Myst's assessment. "Brady spoke some really mean and, to my mind, completely unnecessary words to those gorillas. But he didn't seem dangerous," he says. "But then it was like he just couldn't help himself. Outta nowhere he chest bumps the hell outta this big monkey. Starts yelling about the status quo, and how little obese and crippled children shouldn't have to walk. Stuff like that. It was embarrassing as hell."

"He may have seemed reasonable to people who can't read CEO body language," Myst elaborates. "But we've spent years studying these creatures. They expect to be rewarded whether they make good decisions or bad decisions, and given a choice between any conciliatory action or pure assfaced dickery, we have strong reasons to believe that Brady will always choose the later. He'll tear the whole place apart — gorillas and all — and then expect someone to throw him some Monterey Jack cheese cubes."

Reports from the Zoo infirmary suggests that Brady, having no heart to stop, will make a full recovery and go on to bigger and better things in the future. "That's a completely natural outcome," Myst says.


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