Parenting is not for the weak. Trust me, I know. I’m a mom of four: a 12-year-old girl, twin 13-year-old boys, and a 17-year-old boy. Kids deal with a lot of different emotions. Some emotions they share with you, and some they keep to themselves. But as all parents know, every secret has its day in the sun. These emotions could be rooted in societal expectations or hormonal causes, or they could just be growing pains of the teens figuring out who they are in the world. No matter the source, we as parents are with them on this roller coaster. It’s odd how we can be the bystander in their life but wholly affected by every decision they make. (And vice versa.) When my kids’ days are good, my days are good. When they’re stressed out about school, friendships, or life, I’m trying to figure out how to ease the burden. And sometimes that’s the hardest part — deciding when to step in with advice and when to let them wrestle with the challenge themselves. Teens don’t always want us to “fix” things. Sometimes they just need a quiet space, a listening ear, or even a laugh to remind them life isn’t all heavy.
At the end of the day, we can only do so much as a parent. Recently, I have had several mom-friends chat with me about their teens. Their teens are acting oddly. They’re listening to their friends more than they heed the advice of their parents. I’m consoling parents who have done “all the right things” and are devastated when their teen chooses a different path. And I tell them all the same thing, “Be patient. Your teen is just baking. You’ll know how the final product turned out after you take it out of the oven and let it cool for a bit.” I’ve had to remind myself of this, too. There were times when I thought one of my kids was drifting completely off course — ignoring chores, slacking in school, shutting me out — but then they surprised me with a burst of maturity, kindness, or creativity that showed me they were absorbing more than I realized. That’s the beauty of patience: It gives space for growth to reveal itself.
Raising kids and teenagers is just like baking. You start off with all the ingredients necessary to make a “good cookie.” You’ll add flour, butter, and sugar. This could represent food/water, shelter, and love. Then you can add a little razzle-dazzle to the mixture. This would depend on the type of “cookie” you want. Want a more traditional cookie? Just add some vanilla extract and chocolate chips. In the mood for some cookies that are still traditional but not everybody can handle? Add a few nuts or peanut butter. For some pizzazz, you can add anything you want! Dried cranberries, oatmeal, caramel, toffee, raisins, vanilla sugar, espresso, and so much more. And yes, sometimes you overbake the batch, and it feels like all your efforts have burned. Other times the dough is gooey and undercooked, and you realize your teen simply wasn’t ready for that particular challenge yet. Every batch has its lesson.
But no matter the ingredients you decide to add, you’ll never know how the cookie turned out until you’ve taken it out of the oven and let it cool. In other words, you won’t really know what type of adult you’re raising until they’ve finished baking. You can have the perfect ingredients but mix them incorrectly. You can mix them correctly and bake them at the wrong temperature. You can do all the right things for prep but still have the cookie come out too crunchy, too chewy, or a mixture of both. (Let’s be mindful, cookie preferences are subjective. There’s a type of cookie for everyone.)
I have baked the exact same recipe before, only to have it turn out completely differently. I’ve used the same ingredients, temperatures, and everything. Still completely different. This is absolutely represented in my four children. I’ve instilled in all of them the same ingredients. Yet I have four distinctly different kids.
So if you’re worried about what type of cookie your teenager will turn out to be, just take a look at the ingredients you’re pouring in. Be mindful of the temperature you set. And don’t forget, some dough needs to be cooled before baking. (Take that however you want.) But more than anything, know that you’ve done your best and it’s time to just let them cook and cool a bit. Parenting isn’t about having identical outcomes — it’s about giving your kids the foundation, the flavor, and the faith to become their own best version of “cookie.”
As an aside, here are my favorite local cookie spots:
• Dvour Desserts — IG: @dvourdessertshop
• Frost Bake Shop — IG: @frostbakeshop
• City & State — IG: @cityandstate
• LuLu’s Cafe & Bakery — IG: @luluscafeandbakery
• La Baguette — IG @labaguette_memphis
Patricia Lockhart is a native Memphian who loves to read, write, cook, and eat. By day, she’s an assistant principal and writer, but
by night … she’s asleep.