Bianca Knows Best 

Dear Bianca,

My best friend and I used to be inseparable. We shopped at thrift stores together, got wasted together, and never attended a party without being attached at the hip. We even share an apartment.

But a few months ago, she found a boyfriend. He lives in Bartlett and we live in Midtown. Since my friend doesn't have a car, she tends to stay at his place for days at a time. It's like he's kidnapped her or something.

Now my only company is my two cats. They're cool, but they won't get drunk with me. I offer them vodka and they just turn their noses up in disgust.

I have other friends of course, but none as close as my housemate. I'm starting to resent this new boyfriend, even though he's really a nice guy. I'm afraid I'll open my big mouth and say something really bad about him in front of her, and then she'll hate me. What should I do?

-- Crazy Lonely Cat Lady

Dear Cat Lady,

Your friend is suffering from Stuck Up the Boyfriend's Butt Syndrome (SUBBS). It's tragic, but it happens to all of us. Everything's going fine until your best friend meets some guy at a bar and the next day, they're planning their dream wedding. Ick!

Like the common cold, there's no cure for this disease. But like the common cold, it does tend to wear off over time. Eventually, the newness of the relationship will wane, and she'll realize she's been neglecting her best bud.

Use this opportunity to spend quality time with your other friends. You might find that you like some of them better.

Heck, you could even meet your own love interest and catch SUBBS too! Then, you and your bud can go on sickeningly romantic double dates.

But if a few more weeks go by and there's still no sign of your old friend, maybe you should talk to her about how you feel. Maybe you could schedule some mandatory hangout time, like a regular weeknight drinking session or something.

But while you wait, don't sit idly by, sipping vodka with your cats. Otherwise, you'll end up a pathetic drunk with unsightly gin blossoms on your nose. Then no one will want to hang out you, not even your best friend. Got a problem? Bianca can solve it ... or least give you crappy advice that you can choose to ignore. Send advice queries to bphillips@memphisflyer.com.

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