BURKAS FOR BAPTISTS 

BURKAS FOR BAPTISTS

A woman should examine her motives and goals for the way she dresses. Is her intent to show the grace and beauty of womanhood? Is it to reveal a humble heart devoted to worshiping God? Or is it to call attention to herself and flaunt her beauty? Or worse, to attempt to lure men sexually? These questions are attributed to uber-preacher and suspected male John MacArthur in a document titled Modesty Check, which was recently distributed in the ladies room of a prominent Germantown church. Modesty Check provides a handy set of guidelines for the modern woman who needs constant reassurance that the F in her F-- me pumps stands for forgive. It s a concise how-to-dress manual for ladies who don t wish to spend eternity up to their necks in boiling monkey urine, orally pleasuring the devil s pet porcupine. Some choice excerpts from this charming text:
  • A word on purse straps: How could a purse possibly be a modesty concern? When you are wearing the strap across your chest. Regardless of the shirt you ve got on, this accentuates your chest and creates a temptation for men.
  • If I m wearing a button-down top, I need to turn sideways and move around to see if there are any gaping holes that expose my chest. If there are, I ve got to grab the sewing box and pin between the buttons.
  • Am I wearing a spagheti-strap, halter top, or see-through blouse? Not even pins will fix this problem! Most guys find these very unhelpful. It s time to go back to the closet.
  • I also have to turn around to see if what I m wearing is too tight around my derriere, or if the outline of my underwear shows. If so, I know what I have to do!
  • And for my shorts ... If I see too much leg, I need a longer pair.
  • And don t forget -- this all applies to formal wear as well. And ladies, if you absolutely must have your favorite Bible quotation tattooed somewhere on your body, it should never be on the chest or the derriere. The elbow is widely considered to be the driest, least-lascivious body part, perfectly suited for shorter verses, like, Jesus wept.

    Plante: How It Looks

  • Favorite

    Comments

    Subscribe to this thread:

    Add a comment

    ADVERTISEMENT
    ADVERTISEMENT
      • Dead Waters

        Mississippi River pollutants (again) create ‘Dead Zone’ in the Gulf.

    The Latest

    Art Feature

    “Bouguereau & America” at the Brooks

    News Feature

    Ounce of Change: The Latest Pot/Hemp News

    Food & Wine

    The Path of Andrew Michael’s Josh Hunt

    Film Features

    The Dead Don’t Die

    Music Features

    Son Volt’s Jay Farrar on His New Album and Woody Guthrie

    We Recommend

    Lit & Libations: The Gone Dead

    We Recommend

    Sami Harvey Had a Spare Kidney — So Do You

    The Fly-By

    MEMernet

    ADVERTISEMENT

    More by Chris Davis

    Readers also liked…

    • More Power To You

      TVA considers big changes for an energy-efficient future.
      • Nov 16, 2017
    • Transit in Transition

      City wants feedback on the future of public transit in Memphis
      • Nov 23, 2017
    • Dead Water

      Tennessee contributes to massive toxic plume in Gulf of Mexico.
      • Nov 30, 2017
    ADVERTISEMENT
    © 1996-2019

    Contemporary Media
    460 Tennessee Street, 2nd Floor | Memphis, TN 38103
    Visit our other sites: Memphis Magazine | Memphis Parent | Inside Memphis Business
    Powered by Foundation