F. 451, Episode I: The Red Menace 

Is the new library a world-class learning facility or a bastion of concentrated evil?

"It didn't come from the Government down. There was no dictum, no declaration, no censorship, to start with, no! Technology, mass exploitation, and minority pressure carried the trick, thank God. Today, thanks to them, you can stay happy all the time." -- Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

number of concerned citizens and perturbed politicos have complained that the work of art outside the new main library's entrance, a piece which supposedly represents the wisdom of the ages, contains the old (but still potentially harmful) communist battle cry, "Workers of the world, unite." It's etched in the stone walkway adjacent to a carving of that childhood fave cum druggie icon the Cat in the Hat.

It's troubling enough, but that isn't the half of it. There's loads of potentially hazardous iconography hidden in the alleged artwork, including snippets of pagan lore and oblique references to the irresponsible theory that man (only a notch below the angels) once swung from long prehensile tails.

There is a large picture of a hand with its two center fingers and thumb drawn in toward the center of the palm, the universal sign representing both heavy metal music and its evil inventor, the Christian Devil. There is another equally disturbing representation of a hand adorned with the kind of arcane symbology that suggests the occult. As if all the red propaganda and witchcraft wasn't disturbing enough, the art bears quotations by homosexuals (both suspected and known) and at least one very graphic depiction of a male sexual organ (fortunately not engorged).

Friends, it's no accident that these images grace the library's main entrance. They are not mere decoration. They are clear indicators of the dangerous geophysical and neopolitical pornographies housed like welfare babies within the walls of this tax-supported institution. Our library system may try to position itself as a benevolent entity dedicated to the judicious accumulation of human knowledge, but further investigation reveals it to be a filthy Gomorrah packed with dangerous ideas and dirty pictures.

Outside the library is the quote from the Communist Manifesto. Inside there is an entire book by Adolph Hitler. And that's just the beginning.

To see evidence of the ongoing plot to weaken our national morals one need look no further than the entrance to the new library's children's book section. A fake forest has been erected there. Trees with yellow, green, and red "candy-colored" trunks guard a golden path to the obviously satanic Harry Potter series.

The secret commie meaning of this art installation is two-fold. First, the brilliant, unnatural colors are obviously an effort on behalf of the designers to simulate the effects of a way-out "trip" on pot or perhaps on the drug known as LSD. The communists know that it will be easier to control our children's thoughts once they are hooked on these addictive mind-altering drugs.

Don't believe it? Peruse the shelves and you'll find The Practitioner's Guide to Psychoactive Drugs and a number of Terrence McKenna's blasphemous texts which credit psylocybin mushrooms with miracles of creation that should be rightfully ascribed to God Almighty. And if dabbling with drugs leads to any scrapes with the law, F.D. Rosenthal's Marijuana, the Law and You: A Guide To Minimizing Legal Consequences should prove to be a useful resource. It is, as one might suspect, also available.

And anyone who stayed awake through freshman English knows that in literature the "forest" always represents something else: a place of discovery, magic and sexual transformation. Long story short, it's where kids go to fornicate against their parents' wishes. The collected works of William Shakespeare (a possible warlock and homosexual) are filled to bursting with lurid arboreal references. Therefore the library's colorful, deceptively innocent "forest" must be chopped down immediately, before our children get any deeper into Satan's woods.

While on the topic of Satan it may be appropriate to point out that there are a number of texts on Satan worship and the occult in our library, including a selection of works by the demonic conjurer Aleister Crowley. Crowley practiced a type of black art which incorporated a number of perverse sex acts. Those who wish to learn more about sex before attempting any of Crowley's studied suggestions may wish to peruse the library's extensive collection of sex-related books and videos. Younger readers who may not be ready for the Kama Sutra can always turn to Carole Marsh's practical text, Sex Stuff for Kids 7-17.

Before leaving the topic of sex, magik, and satanism it must be mentioned that the Dewey decimal number 666 denotes texts which are devoted to an insidiously innocuous art form widely associated with the strictly forbidden creation of "graven images." Is it at all surprising that when searching through section 666 one of the first listings you come across is a book titled The Magic of Ceramics? No indeed. No indeed.

Topping the list of blasphemous texts is a pair of false Bibles. The Roof Framer's Bible obviously insinuates that God is a tar-paper shingle while The Investor's Bible clearly leads one to worship Allen Greenspan. It's unconscionable. It's wrong.

There are, just as one might expect in this communist stronghold, many books about communism in both theory and practice. Too many to list here. Former Soviet prime minister Nikita Kruschev claimed that the fundamental goals of Marx and Lenin would not be relinquished "till shrimp learn to whistle." You won't hear any shrimp whistling at the new library, not by a long shot.

Finally, while there is nothing fundamentally wrong with the Koran, Americans are now all too aware of how it can be interpreted by evil men with evil plans. Can we really afford to have this book sharing shelf space with Tadeusz Urbanski's Chemistry and Technology of Explosives? Can we? I think not.

Bring on the torches. Let the burning begin.

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