Fly on the Wall 

Best Elvis

It’s almost Halloween. Okay, so it’s not, but drugstores are filling up with spooky things to buy and bloggers are offering helpful costume hints like this one from “To get started making [an] Elvis Halloween costume from the 1970s, get a white long-sleeved polyester jumpsuit with an open neckline, a large collar, and bell bottom pant legs.” Helium contributor Jennifer Claerr writes, “If you don’t want to set studs, get an iron-on eagle transfer ... . Wear a pair of gold plastic aviator or Elvis sunglasses.” Many thanks to Claerr for having studied at least three photos of Elvis so we don’t have to.

Best Solution

In the comments on a Commercial Appeal article about the airport’s new full-body scanners, reader “Champion” writes: “I would rather go thru the scan than have some big-handed ugly male feel me up while doing a body search. Most of those at TSA are really ugly and have no manners.” If only the airport hired polite, attractive, small-handed security workers to feel us up, none of this expense or humiliation would be necessary.

Best Haters

Jason Houston, board member of the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center, told WREG that he wants to see gay kissing on Jumbotrons at big events: “We feel like the more people see things like that, the more comfortable they’ll feel with them,” he said. The majority of commenters at Channel 3’s website agreed, prompting polite and reasoned responses such as: “You have to be a sick man to want to have someone’s male reproductive organs stuffed inside your butt.”

World’s Best Person

The Fly wants to give WREG reporter Mike Matthews a little extra love in this “Best of” issue. “I think I’m going to start taking Extenze,” the gruff one recently tweeted. “I need a pet.” He also noted that a pizza delivery guy was stalking him: “Somebody is following me, yelling ‘Extra cheese. I know you like cheese ... .’” Respect

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