Hold My Beer! 

If wankers are going to repopulate the Earth, I opt out.

We really dodged a bullet that the upcoming holiday is St. Patrick's Day and not Cinco de Mayo. Can you imagine the chaos if we were drinking Corona instead of Guinness this week? I told a coworker that I refused to think people are so stupid that they would believe the beer had anything to do with the Coronavirus. 

My co-worker said, "Hold my beer."

click to enlarge rant_unnamed.jpg

The truth is, while reports emerged of Corona beer sales falling, it was only half the truth. All beer sales dropped, according to one fact-checking website. You'd almost believe the general public would drink more during a time of crisis. Apparently the general public opted to stock up on sanitizer, toilet paper, and water instead of alcohol. Are we maturing as a nation during times of crisis? Pfft. Don't be silly.

Though on the subject of public panic, I've seen some pretty weird reactions. Take the end-of-the-world crisis predicted for 2012 by the Mayans, for example. My brother lovingly and thoughtfully gifted his whole family gas masks. Not the cheap ones either. These gas masks looked military issued grade A, sturdy as hell with all the bells and whistles.

My only thought was, "If you wankers are going to repopulate the Earth, I opt out."

During the same time period, a friend took me for coffee and laid out a plan to move to Idaho. He felt — for reasons unknown to me or anyone, really — Idaho would be immune to global flooding due to magnetic shifts and whatnot. When I told him that I thought some 90-year-old Mayan woman tasked with chiseling the Mayan calendar out of stone had just simply gotten tired and quit around about the date December 20, 2012, he took me to the movie 2012 to back up his argument. It was his $22.50. I saw a free movie. 

Feeling the movie would sway my outlandish belief that the world would survive past 2012, he invited me join him in Idaho and build a new world.

Again, my only thought was, "If wankers like you are going to repopulate the Earth, I opt out," followed by the spoken words, "No thanks. I don't like potatoes." Which is a damn lie. I love spuds.

Speaking of spuds, the Irish holiday looming before us will get special attention by those who want to use it as an excuse to act immaturely. According to Wallet Hub, Chicago is the best place to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I find this hard to believe. I've been to Beale Street for the Silky Sullivan St. Patrick's Parade. Not only does Beale celebrate the Irish community, but they also have an annual raising of the goat. Raised goats are pretty cool. I don't remember it, but my Uber receipt is proof. It will hold up in a court of law.

By the way, PSA: You don't want to end up in a court of law. Uber if you are going to drink green beer and watch raised goats on Beale. If you must go to Chicago, it's close enough to drive so that you aren't accidentally served Corona on a plane by hordes of strangers who may potentially have pesky virus germs.

Also according to Wallet Hub, 57 percent of Americans plan to celebrate St. Patrick's Day in 2020 and will spend $6.16 billion, roughly 10 times the amount Mike Bloomberg spent on his campaign to sway the American Samoa caucus in his favor. This has nothing to do with leprechauns and such, but while we're doing math, might as well point out an election year fact.

The average partier will spend $43; 79 percent of them will wear green. Fifty pounds of green dye will be used to turn the Chicago River green for five hours while 400,000 onlookers gawk at the process. I guess when you don't have a Beale Street and a Silky O'Sullivan's in your back pocket, you rely on garish marketing antics. In fact, Chicago has relied on this particular antic since 1962.

Another presidential fun fact, the crystal ball of shamrocks will be given to the POTUS by Ireland's prime minister again this year. Which will promptly be put to good use as the table centerpiece for the annual POTUS St. Patrick's Day meal, Big Mac with a side of fries.

Getting back on track, people are stupid. And it's St. Patrick's Day this week, so let's celebrate with a nice room-temperature Guinness wearing an overpriced paper face mask surrounded by all the wankers out there who want to repopulate the Earth after (insert current reason to panic here).

Julie Ray is the Flyer calendar editor and author of the Five Things To Do This Weekend in Memphis weekly web post for Memphis magazine.

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