IN THE JAILHOUSE NOW 

IN THE JAILHOUSE NOW

A recent report shows that (surprise, surprise!) jail security at 201 Poplar is a joke, and a recent article in The Commercial Appeal suggested that it's no small miracle prisoners don't just let themselves out. Still, some of the report's findings are clear misrepresentations of the truth. Here are some of the most obvious examples:

1. Cell doors can pop open with combs or plastic utensils. This is obviously a benefit to employees since, according to the report, jailers' key rings are often missing.

2. Kitchen knives are often missing. It does not say whether or not anyone checked the garbage disposal.

3. Yeast from the kitchen, used to make "jailhouse hooch," is unaccounted for, but as far as we can tell, all olives, tonic water, and lime wedges have been accounted for.

4. Bleach and ammonia, which the report says are used to taint food or throw in someone's face, have been left unattended, which is utter hogwash. Everybody knows that you use bleach and ammonia to make mustard gas. Duh!

5. An unattended hacksaw was discovered in a stairwell. It does not point out that the hacksaw was of age and required no chaperone.

6. The report stresses that some inmates have access to areas with cell-door controls and weapons. It fails to acknowledge that somebody has to run the jail.

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