Just Shoot Me 

Washington, D.C. — President Donald Trump has admitted to shooting Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross during a tumultuous cabinet meeting on Monday. Ross, 81, is in a Washington, D.C., hospital, where his condition is listed as critical. Trump tweeted Monday night that Ross "had it coming." Trump went on to tweet that Ross had "fallen asleep" while the president was speaking about the border wall, and that he wanted to "send a message" to other cabinet members. He then tweeted "NO COLLUSION!" and "HAPPY EARTH DAY!"

Since the Justice Department has issued an opinion that a sitting president cannot be indicted, Trump appears to be in no danger of being prosecuted for the shooting.

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a briefing Tuesday morning that "the president has been very clear on what he will put up with from his cabinet members. While the president wishes the commerce secretary a speedy recovery, he reiterates that he was well within his rights to shoot Mr. Ross under Justice Department guidelines that a sitting president cannot be indicted. He hopes that Mr. Ross has 'learned his lesson.'"

On Tuesday evening, presidential spokesperson Kellyanne Conway was interviewed by CNN's Wolf Blitzer: "All right, Kellyanne Conway, what's your take on this bizarre shooting in the White House yesterday?"

"Well, Wolf, the mainstream media is reporting that a bullet struck Secretary Ross in a cabinet meeting. The president takes full responsibility for being in that meeting, but beyond that, what do we really know? Did you hear the gunshot, Wolf? I don't think so. Do you know for a fact that Mr. Ross didn't assault the president? Maybe it was self-defense. For all we know, it could have been a drive-by shooting. We just don't have all the facts at this point, Wolf, but I remain confident in this president and his policies, which are supported by the majority of the American people."

"Kellyanne, the president has tweeted that he shot Wilbur Ross. That seems pretty definitive ..."

"The president was possibly being sarcastic, Wolf. Or it may have been a retweet."

"[sighs] All right, let's go to our panel. ...  Rudy Giuliani, what's your response to this surprising bit of news?"

"It's simple, Wolf. It's not illegal for the president to shoot someone. In fact, it's not illegal for him to do anything, if you think about it. If you can't be indicted, then you can't be proven guilty, and if you can't be proven guilty, then you're not guilty. Simple as that. I'm not saying he did it, but if he did, that's well within his rights as president."

Sean Hannity, speaking on his Fox News show later Tuesday night, also defended the president: "I commend the president for taking this bold stand against incompetence. He's merely doing what he promised he'd do — draining the swamp! When the president speaks, cabinet members should be listening, not sleeping. Do you think President Obama would have had the courage to shoot a cabinet member? Or Crazy Bernie? Don't make me laugh."

On Wednesday morning, Attorney General William Barr issued a statement: "The president's actions — if he took any actions — regarding the shooting of Commerce Secretary Ross were well within the jurisdiction of the president's powers. We suspect some of the negative reports regarding this incident that have come out in the press are a result of illegal leaks from FBI spies. We also must bear in mind that the president has been very frustrated lately, which has caused him undue stress and may have contributed to this unfortunate but justifiable incident of a stray bullet striking Secretary Ross."

House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi issued the following statement on Friday: "The House Judiciary, Oversight, Ways and Means, Budget, and Homeland Security Committees will begin hearings on the recent incident concerning President Trump and the late Wilbur Ross (RIP) on Thursday next week. While Mr. Trump's actions have brought dishonor to the presidency — and are possibly murderous — our hands are tied by the Justice Department's ruling that a sitting president cannot be indicted. Further, we do not feel at this time these actions warrant impeachment, which would only rile up Mr. Trump's supporters and divide the country. We think it's better to leave it to the American people to decide. The 2020 election is only 18 months away."

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