Letter from the Editor 

This week marks the beginning of the annual "celebration of buying stuff" or, as some call it, "the holidays." It starts with the consumer orgy known as "black Friday," which is celebrated by going to the parking lot of any major chain retailer before dawn and standing outside in the dark for hours in order to be one of the first to get inside and, well, buy stuff. Why this is appealing to certain humans, I have no idea. It's not like the stores are going to run out of things to buy.

For years, I prided myself on doing all my Christmas shopping inside the Parkways. I never ventured to mall-land. Ever. Then, a couple years back, things got even easier when I started buying everything online. Three hours in front of a keyboard and — voila! Holiday shopping done!

The only drawback is that you can't actually see the stuff you're ordering, just pictures of it. Which means you have to rely on descriptions of the merchandise when making your decisions. Sometimes, it works. Sometimes, not so much. For instance, I saw this corduroy jacket that I thought my son might like: "Sport-coat styling in a comfortable, unstructured fit that's compatible with your disheveled indifference." Perfect. He is totally disheveled and indifferent.

A fleece pullover for my dad was more problematic: "Wear it from predawn waxing sessions through afternoon corn runs." Hmmm. He's 84, and I don't want to think about his "afternoon corn runs." But, what the hell. Merry Christmas, Pop!

A shirt for my boss? "This suave polo can put in a hard-riding chukka at the Hurlingham Club, then go on and rise to occasions where ordinary polos have to mumble their apologies." Perfect. If he doesn't like it, hopefully he'll accept my mumbled apologies.

A sweater I was considering for my brother really stumped me: "When the day's crux smear has finally been freed, follow the darkened trail back to your car and retreat into the warmth and comfort of our classic cardigan." I was afraid Chris Hanson of To Catch a Predator might follow my brother back to the car after he freed the crux smear. I sent him a gift certificate.

Happy holidays! And caveat emptor.

Bruce VanWyngarden

brucev@memphisflyer.com

Speaking of...

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT

Blogs

Politics Beat Blog

Shafer En Route to Commission Chairmanship — and Maybe More

News Blog

Passengers, Flights Up at Airport

News Blog

Latino Memphis Mobilizes in Response to ICE Surge

Politics Beat Blog

Luttrell Endorses Randy Boyd for Governor

Music Blog

Listen Up: Ben Abney

Politics Beat Blog

Cohen Tells It!

Hungry Memphis

Royal's Yvonne Mitchell Cooking Up Hits

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Bruce VanWyngarden

Readers also liked…

  • Making Tennessee Great Again!

    I'm writing this from the restroom facility at Big Hill Pond State Park in southern McNairy County. On Monday, I commandeered the building, which contains the men's and women's restrooms, some racks of pamphlets, and two vending machines. There's no one here right now, but I plan to stay as long as necessary to protest the fact that the state of Tennessee is run by oppressive know-nothings who wouldn't know small government — or freedom, for that matter — if it bit them on their considerable backsides ...

    • Jan 7, 2016
  • Who to Hate?

    Well, now we know the culprit behind the mass murders in Orlando, Sunday morning. It was the Obama administration's "political correctness." At least that was what was responsible, according to an NRA spokesperson, Donald Trump, and Ted Cruz, to name just three GOP leaders who propagated this hogwash ...
    • Jun 16, 2016
  • Bombs Over Memphis

    • Jul 7, 2016

Flyer Flashback

Six Memphis Characters

Eccentrics, artists, and oddballs — six Memphians who live life their way.

Read Story

ADVERTISEMENT
© 1996-2017

Contemporary Media
460 Tennessee Street, 2nd Floor | Memphis, TN 38103
Visit our other sites: Memphis Magazine | Memphis Parent | Inside Memphis Business
Powered by Foundation