PANDAPHILIA 

PANDAPHILIA

Far be it from us to rain on the panda parade, but with all the hoo-ha about these overgrown raccoons, and how great they are, and how many tourists will race into Memphis to see them munch bamboo, dropping all their wonderful tourist dollars along the way, it's only fitting that the eternally pessimistic Fly should take an opposing view. The following is excerpted from David Plotz's 1999 obituary of Hsing-Hsing, the National Zoo's ex-panda, once dubbed "the most famous animal in the world":

"For the past six years I have lived next door to [t]his zoo. ... So I speak from the heart when I say: Good riddance to the semi-bear. ... Pandas are not sweet-natured, they are no-natured. Drearier animals you cannot imagine. They are highly antisocial. ... Mother Nature's couch potatoes [are] staggeringly lazy, so slothful they avoid climbing trees because it's too tiring. ... The animal's decade-long attempt to mate was played out as a comic opera. ... At first Hsing-Hsing failed to inseminate Ling-Ling because he tried to mate with her ear and her arm. ... The Smithsonian just announced plans to stuff Hsing-Hsing and exhibit him. They could just stick some bamboo in his paws and return him to his own cage. ... No one would notice the difference."

Actually, all that business about the ears and the arms sounds, you know, sorta sexy.

Keep the Flyer Free!

Always independent, always free (never a paywall),
the Memphis Flyer is your source for the best in local news and information.

Now we want to expand and enhance our work.
That's why we're asking you to join us as a Frequent Flyer member.

You'll get membership perks (find out more about those here) and help us continue to deliver the independent journalism you've come to expect.


Favorite

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
    • “Hot Mess”

      Criticism is rising on the Memphis City Council’s failure to fill the vacant District 1 seat.

Blogs

Beyond the Arc

James and Lakers Blow Out Grizzlies, 111-88

Tiger Blue

Tigers 94, UAB 76

Music Blog

RIP Ace: Diving Deep Into the Ace Cannon Style

Fly On The Wall Blog

Hugh Freeze Talks About His Junk

Fly On The Wall Blog

Stop, Look, Listen: Friedberg Germany Gives the King a Go

Fly On The Wall Blog

Will The Commercial Appeal Face More Newsroom Layoffs?

Politics Beat Blog

Another George H.W. Bush Memory

Hungry Memphis

Gary Williams' Legacy

ADVERTISEMENT

More by Chris Davis

Readers also liked…

ADVERTISEMENT
© 1996-2018

Contemporary Media
460 Tennessee Street, 2nd Floor | Memphis, TN 38103
Visit our other sites: Memphis Magazine | Memphis Parent | Inside Memphis Business
Powered by Foundation