The Rant 

All right. I'm going to go out on a big, rickety, rickety limb here and give her the benefit of the doubt. I know that there is, you know, like, a war going on and everything, and that, like, George Bush has, like, totally stopped us from being able to party with the Iranians because he, you know, wants to drop a bomb on them and everything. And now everybody wants to, like, build a big wall along the Mexican border to, you know, cut us off from those people too. But that is all BAD news. NEGATIVE news. And we all know that the American masses, like, don't like that. But now, for some reason, all the little pundits out there -- the ones who critique the media but never really badger them about being as lame as they are because the news organizations for whom they are working are subsidiaries of those they are critiquing -- are all now jumping on the "Beat up Katie Couric" wagon faster than they can shake a good plastic surgery "news story." I am here to take her side. I know. In the past, I have poked fun at Katie. But not for her lack of professionalism. Yes, I have recoiled at her wardrobe on the Today show and wondered in print why she feels compelled so often to don attire that makes viewers wonder why she looks like she's on her way to audition for the role of a wooden soldier in a production of The Nutcracker. And I probably have on more than one occasion called for an inquest to help determine how many years it has been since she actually wore a new outfit. But all of that is over. Now that she has announced that she is leaving NBC and Today to become the new face of CBS and the first woman to solo anchor a nightly news show, I want to say that I have the utmost faith in her and I think she is going to do a great job. Oh, it's a calamity, all right. Some media critics are asking the question, "When we are attacked by terrorists again and the bodies are being gathered, do you want Katie Couric to be the one delivering the news?" Well, why the hell not? And does it really matter? Do you think SHE has chosen the programming for the Today show for the past 10 years? Do you think she is the one who wants to report four minutes of "real news" each morning -- having arrived at work at 3 a.m. -- and then cut to hours of nonstop stories that grab you with 300 ways to lose that extra girth, get out of personal debt, cook the perfect turkey, keep your child safe from Internet pornography, find the best bargain on shoes, ascertain what does and does not make for a stable relationship, and how Jennifer Aniston is handling her divorce from Brad Pitt and his new love nest with that chick who used to wear her boyfriend's blood in a vial around her neck? NO. I don't really think any of that was her idea. That is your fault for being among the lemmings that buy what is advertised during the show of which we speak. So I am giving her the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, we do have to re-address her wardrobe issues. If she is indeed to be taken seriously, something must be done. And fast. No more skirts that look like a cross between Ivy League plaid and something she picked up in Tijuana. Katie, go for solids. Black. Gray. Navy. And no trends. They are hideous. Of course, you are taking this from a person who 1) owns exactly four pairs of pants, 2) whose cat has soot-covered paws from trying to escape through the chimney on an hourly basis, 3) who is not yet fully convinced that George Bush Sr. was not directly or indirectly responsible, as a then-CIA agent, for the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and 4) who has been reticent to vote for any political candidate since Shirley Chisolm. So take it with a grain of salt. And Katie, don't listen to what these men are saying about you. You know what they think with anyway.

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