The Rant 

I am going to file a lawsuit. I'm not sure exactly who it is going to be against. But I am going to file a suit. Or stop sleeping on the couch with the television on four out of seven nights a week. I guess that's better than sleeping in the car, which I almost did the other night. It was storming and the satellite dish went out and my boom box wasn't working and I had insomnia and I really, really wanted to listen to Bettye LaVette, so I just went out and cranked the car up, put her CD in, fell in love with her like I do every time I hear her sing, and, well, wore myself out and got sleepy. I shook my head, though. And snapped to -- only to wonder, is this a good life, or do I really need to get a life? But back to this lawsuit. I had a bad case of the hives not long ago. It was the first time I've ever had the itchy, bothersome things. They even got on my eyelids. I hadn't eaten anything strange. No strange medications. Well, nothing any stranger than usual. I hadn't been out in the wilderness around poison vines and leaves. I just woke up that way. I think it might be Ann Coulter's fault. I didn't make the association right away, but while reading about her on the Internet a couple of days ago, I realized that I came down with the hives right after waking up from a nap and watching her on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I think she's a total fake. A smart fake at making money, though, and getting attention. I don't think she believes all that crap she says and writes about one bit. The "broad," as she now refers to the outspoken wives who lost husbands on 9/11, is in this for the money, and she is raking it in. If I thought she really did believe all the opinions that come with the shtick that has her laughing all the way to the bank, I'd put her in my category with savage serial killers. Don't put them to death; study them to find out what makes their minds work the way they do. Wouldn't it be great to see her head mounted on a table with wires attached to it to follow the patterns of her brainwaves? It might also be a good way to redo her makeup. In fact, she might make a good children's game: "Miss Ann Coulter Head," in the fashion of that other classic, "Mr. Potato Head." Her head could come with different hair to stick on it, eyeballs that pop out, nails in her neck, big press-on scars, wired together teeth ... the list could go on and on. Now, I am not saying that she should have her head cut off, just like she didn't really mean it when she said John Murtha is a good example of why "fragging" sometimes happens -- when soldiers kill their own in combat. But it would be great to have access to her head to play with it. I'm sure it spins around in circles, so you could use it for a top. Just tie a string tightly around her head, rare it back, toss it on the floor, say you think she should have sex with John Kerry, and watch it twirl around going so fast you can't quite make out what it is. And hers would make a great bobble head. Are those on the market yet? Probably. If not, maybe there's where I'll make my own fortune. But I'm not talking about a cartoon-ish replica of her head. I mean her real head. If you had just her live head and could attach it to a device that would allow it to rock around uncontrollably and found a really bumpy country road or just drove hitting the breaks a lot and very suddenly, she would be dizzyingly fun to have around. You could go so far as to dip her bobbling live head in chrome and make spinner hubcaps out of them. Well, you'd have to have four of her heads to have a real ride going on, and we certainly hope she is not one in a set of identical quadruplets, so maybe that one wouldn't work. But you could certainly use her head as a toilet paper dispenser. Yes, you attach her head to the lid of the toilet, prop her mouth open wide (oh, it's big enough), and put the roll of toilet paper on her tongue. Ooh, I just realized something. I have been using the words "Ann Coulter" and "head" in the same sentence this whole time. I'm starting to itch again.



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