The Rant 

What will it be next? A multinational summit on doping at Camp David? Well, come to think of it. ... Nah, I was actually wondering what old George and Dick are going to do next to make sure our attention is drawn away from that pesky war in Iraq they started and can't finish. It may be that they've got mental E.D. and just can't keep it up. Sure, Dick's made plenty of money off the war, and so have his buddies, but I'm beginning to get the feeling that he and George have grown tired of thinking and talking about it. Come to think of it, when was the last time anyone saw or heard anything at all out of Dick Cheney? Could it be that he is finally dead and no one noticed? Could it be that he started the current conflict between Israel and Lebanon to get the media off his back about Iraq and is now hiding out somewhere like a kid who accidentally broke a neighbor's window? Nothing would surprise me. It started when George got caught in Russia talking on camera while smacking his food. (I'm sorry; that is one image I still can't get out of my head.) I wouldn't be at all surprised if Dick had sold someone in ol' Hezbollah a gun or two in his time, maybe back when the United States was backing the Taliban when they were protecting some oil pipelines for us. Too bad we pissed them off! But I could easily see Dick watching the media coverage of the Iraq war (pathetic as it is) for one too many hours and finally storming into his office and picking up the phone and telling somebody they had better do something to take the media heat off of the civil war in Iraq. A hundred or more people now dying in Iraq every day is just not the greatest of signs -- there in the country we liberated lo those many years ago, when George put on that military jacket and had himself a big banner made that claimed "Mission Accomplished!" Obviously, this administration is not interested in seeing the deaths of civilians in the Middle East stop any time soon. That's why George sent the Rice Patrol over there to parade around in her designer clothes while he retreated to that Crawford ranch again for a little R & R. Well, that's not being quite fair. He did take the time out to issue a one-line apology for the United States not filling out the right paperwork the other day when cargo planes carrying yet more bombs and missiles to Israel stopped at Scotland's Prestwick Airport. And did that ever go over well on the world stage! I guess Condi's peace resolution will indeed not, as she said, bring an immediate end to all of the violence. Yep, pushing peace while supplying bombs. That's the way to gain the confidence and trust of the rest of the world. But maybe I'm just being a simpleton. More often than not, I am. But hey, at least I haven't thought as much about or seen as much media coverage of the war in Iraq. I have bought into their plan. I'm as concerned about the innocent people being killed in Israel and Lebanon as I am about all those dangerous taxi drivers being held in Guantanamo Bay, just biding their time until next century, when they might get a trial. In the meantime, I will just try to concentrate on how Floyd Landis' alleged doping and Mel Gibson's drunk driving and ethnic slurs are placing me in danger. As a matter of fact, I think George and Dick might have doped Floyd and got Mel all drunk and fired up because they forgot to fill out that paperwork for those bombs and needed the media to once again shift its attention. But then, I still think the government killed John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. and that one day it will all be revealed.

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