The Rant 

Okay. I'm going to write about Sarah Palin only this

once. (Well, only once this week.) I have tried to laugh at her and the idea of her being a vice-presidential nominee, because the prospect of that happening

is so incredibly weird, foolish, surreal, and embarrassing to any American with any friends in any other country in the

world, but now I'm not so sure how funny ha-ha it is.

Yes, Palin is a backstabbing rube with a nasal, insipid voice so insufferable that nails on a chalkboard sound like Mozart in comparison when she answers the two questions the McCain campaign advisers have allowed her to address with the media. She's already proven how shallow she is with her now famous "I can see Russia from Alaska" remark about her foreign policy knowledge. She filed a lawsuit against the Bush administration for trying to put polar bears on the endangered species list because she thinks global warming is a myth and that people should be able to shoot them for trophy purposes.

She clearly is not much more than white trash, so it would seem that people would be smart enough not to base their opinion of her on the speech she gave at the Republican National Convention, which someone else wrote. But so many of the white, 50-ish, loser-ish, straight men who drool over any woman who isn't terribly disfigured are actually going to call upon that mentality (and I use that term loosely, as it means a "thought process" must be involved) in November and cast their vote for her ticket because "she's hot."

Here's a comment from a recent Salon article. It's from a guy who used to pick up dead animals off the road but who is currently unemployed. He's decided to cast his vote for McCain because of Palin: "She don't mind stepping on people's toes, and maybe Washington needs that. And she's got a pretty nice pair of legs on her." As if it's not humiliating enough to be an American these days, now we have to deal with this. It's a good thing there aren't voting machines at Hooters. And it's not just the ogling men who are cause for worry. If you are a woman and think you have struck pay dirt because Palin is a candidate you can get behind, I really feel for you. I feel extremely sorry for you for having so little access to information. You may or may not know that because of Palin women in that microcosmic town of Wasilla, Alaska, where she was the all-powerful mayor, got re-assaulted after being raped because the mayor made them pay an average of $1,200 for their own rape kits, for which they had to spit in cups, pull out their own pubic hairs, and submit answers to a long list of "were you really raped?" questions.

Palin freely admits to firing that state employee she fired, not on the grounds that he wouldn't fire her ex-brother-in-law but because he failed to get her personal permission to "plan" a trip to Washington, D.C., to ask for funding to start a special program for victims of sexual crimes in Alaska, which has the highest rate of such offenses per capita in the country. Who in their right mind would ever have imagined that we would have a woman running for vice president who appears for all practical purposes to be "pro-rape"?

Of course, Palin might not have had ample time to think about all this, since she has been so busy offering her constituents $150 for each freshly severed leg of a dead wolf they bring in after their helicopter hunts. That's not a joke, by the way. Perhaps it's her way of stimulating the economy. Maybe if she does make it to the White House, she can help the financial crisis we're in by doubling the cost of those kits for rape victims. I can't even bring myself to write in detail about her support of trapping animals with leg traps, which cause animals to remain caught for up to two weeks while suffering such intense pain, starvation, and dehydration that they often end up chewing their own limbs off to escape.

So if you vote for John McCain and he wins, and then unfortunately croaks, who we'll have as president is a gun-totin', anti-science, untraveled, uninformed, pro-rape creationist.

But, hey, she's hot.

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