The Rant 

This I gotta see. I just read that the Memphis and

Shelby County Health Department is asking (or was asking, by the time this issue of the paper hits the streets) for volunteers to act as biological warfare

victims at the Hickory Hill Community Center, as well as volunteers to act as workers to distribute antibiotics to every

person in Shelby County within 48 hours. I'm not sure why this strikes me as being so funny, but I just imagine a bunch of people A) trying to DRIVE in the city of Memphis to reach every citizen with drugs and B) trying not to get shot when knocking on strangers' doors to tell them that we've been attacked by some sort of biological bomb. People in this city can barely manage driving in the rain without having a wreck, much less during a disaster of terrorist proportions.

And to all of the terrorists out there in the world: Stop it, because we still have George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice in office for another seven weeks or so and there's no telling what they might do. Plus, the more you attack, the more we have to see them and hear them talk. I know, I know. That's part of your terrorist strategy, but give us a freaking break. You're even causing Barack Obama to make a big deal out of this, which is disappointing. But I guess he has to do it so the lemmings won't all go crazy from fear that they might not have electricity for a day or two. Or worse, have to drive around in Memphis handing out drugs to a million or so people who are already in a panic. But maybe he will finally take Cat Stevens off the "no fly" list of people who aren't allowed to enter the United States. For those of you who are too young to remember the days when records were pressed on big black-vinyl, circular-shaped disks with grooves on them so that a little needle fit in them, Cat Stevens was and is one of the world's best-known pacifists, but because he changed his name to Yusef Islam and became a Muslim, he is no longer allowed to step foot on this here Amurkan soil — what with him wearing that funny little cap and all.

Personally, I think it's an act of terrorism for the media to continue giving Sarah Palin air time. She's like a bad rash that keeps coming back. And so far, no one has given her any pointers on public speaking. She still sounds like an idiot because, well, she is. If you haven't seen the video of her that's currently the darling of YouTube, in which she is being interviewed while turkeys are being decapitated by a large machine right behind her, you must put this paper down NOW and watch it — if, that is, you can stomach it. Not the turkey killing, but her talking. While she stands there with her coffee, yammering and yammering and yammering and yammering on and on and on and on about God knows what because she makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, there's a guy in the background wearing camouflage pants and staring at her with a strange look on his face while intermittently cramming big turkeys head-first into a cone shaped apparatus that appears to chop off the birds' heads and drain them of their blood, which is gathered in a big metal tub. I'm not a vegetarian, and yes, I ate turkey on Thanksgiving, but I don't think I would have done a live television interview with gobblers in the background flapping their wings around and making a lot of really loud noise as they are being killed. Call me a hypocrite if you must.

At least in that interview, though, there is some distraction from her speaking. The other night on Larry King Live, she was asked what she thought about Katie Couric suggesting to her that she learn more about governing before she makes a 2012 presidential run (God, save the planet from that), and she said this: "I'd say thank you, Katie Couric, for your advice. I won't reciprocate in giving her any advice, that's for sure, because I have respect for her and the profession that she is in. I would have greater respect, though, for the entire profession called mainstream media if we could have great assurance that there's fairness, that there's objectivity throughout the reporting world."

What the hell does that mean? "The entire profession called mainstream media"? I sure hope I'm not part of that — you know, the profession called mainstream media. At least no turkeys are being killed in the same room with me right now.

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