The Rant 

The cover of the February 12th issue of the

Memphis Flyer featured a very attractive young lady and the words

"Hey, Hottie." This referenced a story about young individuals who were nominated by Flyer readers as hotties. Each was pictured and asked a series of questions — I presume to show their personalities. Being much older and happily married, I felt discriminated against. Don't get me wrong. I am definitely not claiming to be a hottie, but what if they did interview me? The answers given by those interviewed seemed somewhat flighty and impractical. I began to wonder just how I would answer some of these same questions?

What is your favorite color?

Green. Green symbolizes many of my desires, such as youth, spring, growth, new life, and, most of all, money. Oh, and it is a little green light that assures me my TV is working.

If you were abandoned on a desert isle, what three things would you take along?

First, I would take a truckload of double-chocolate Ensure. That should take care of my food and water requirements for quite a while. Second, I would take an AK-47 system. That counts as one item, doesn't it? The system would include a bayonet, ammunition, targeting sight, and rifle-grenades. I can't see or shoot very well, anymore. When the Ensure runs out, if I can't hit my food with bullets, then I can surely hit something with a rifle-grenade or two. Third, I need a companion. I love my wife more than anything, but let's get serious here. I may be stranded for years. In this situation, well, I will have certain special needs, so, sorry, babe. I will need a coronary doctor specializing in geriatric care — one whose hobby is cooking. Female, of course. I would not name her "Friday." Instead, it would be "Tuesday," since that is a girl's name. Remember Tuesday Weld? Sorry if you don't, because she was hot. Can she bring three things too? Like, maybe beer, Viagra, and cable?

What sign are you?

I am a Gemini on the cusp of Cancer. Just being near cancer freaks me out. I mean, why did they call the most feared disease cancer? And why did they name it after an astrological sign? I'm on the cusp with it!

What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

When I was in the Navy, we ported in Scotland. We were walking around Edinburgh, and I spotted a man wearing a kilt. I had a buddy take our picture together. It got circulated around the ship, and I thought I would never live that down — that is, until I met up with those two French girls on the island of Corfu. That ended that.

Do you have any special talents?

Yes. I have the ability to hurt myself in countless ways. Just last year, I managed to sneeze and tear a muscle in my side, step on the edge of a step and rip a ligament in my calf, and cut off a piece of a finger — half my left pinky, this time.

What is your favorite movie?

I guess the only one produced lately about people my age: The Bucket List.

Night owl or early bird?

Early bird. Specifically, the first hour after I get up — the only time during the day I don't feel I need a nap.

Describe yourself in three words.

Big and round.

What is your best feature?

See this liver spot on my arm? Doesn't it look like an amoeba?

Charlie Boydstun is a longtime Memphian. He attended Central High School and what was then Memphis State. He is a Vietnam veteran and has worked at Kellogg's for 17 years. What else do you need to know?


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