The Rant 


I am a happily befuddled man right now. You see, every, oh, 10 or 15 years, I take a break from the normal daily and nightly grind of my life and try to rejuvenate. No cell phone, no e-mail, no Facebook, hardly any radio or television, and no newspapers. I commune with heads of broccoli and squirrels for the most part because, in part, I am just not right.

So I've been doing that for the last few weeks, among other things, and the best thing about it is that by giving up all of the outlets of communication, I have barely heard one sound bite of news and barely know what's going on in the world, and it is a refreshing feeling. I have no idea what Sarah Palin is up to, which is like having an entire new lease on life for me. I can't really recall which election is coming up next, although I hear it is right around the corner. I don't know if gays can be legally married yet. I don't know if Tennessee still carries out the death penalty. I don't know what latest version of the telephone has gripped the nation and the world. I don't know if former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has his own reality show yet or if Paris Hilton has hers now and it's taking place in a room where she is married to the woman with the most cigarettes and where she is finally learning how to read. And I don't care. None of that means anything to me. All I really want at this point is to see Jackass 3-D, the movie, and then probably see it about 50 more times.

I did hear a clip about the controversy surrounding the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy and something about it being repealed or being in the works for being repealed or whatever it is that's going on with it. When I first heard it, I thought the news anchor or whoever it was said, "Don't ask, no tail!" — but that would have been too good to have been true. People don't seem to have much of a sense of humor about gays in the military, for some reason. I, on the other hand, think it's pretty hilarious that a country can be divided over something like this, when there are so many other, more pressing issues at hand, such as Jackass 3-D being the number-one hit moneymaker at the box office during its debut weekend, instead of some goofy crap like the runner-up, Red. Yep, just what we need: another action movie starring Bruce Willis. Like I care. I just want to raise some baby geese or something and learn how to make macramé lampshades out of acorns and small rocks and forget about the movies, except for, of course, Jackass 3-D.

But back to Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I can't even get past that moniker because it sounds so much like a children's board game: Don't Ask! Don't Tell! Go directly to the closet without passing go! Advance to Illinois Avenue and stay in Boystown in Chicago! Come to think of it, this might make a great board game. There could be a Chance card that's a "Get Out of the Closet Free" card. You could buy hotels on the military-base squares and turn them into bathhouses charging hourly rent when you land on one. I think it would work out well, because, as you know, all homosexuals are exactly alike and they are all into going to bathhouses so everyone would be a winner! This would also carry over very easily into a new version of the game Battleship, not to mention Pokémon, which is what the homosexual Rastafarian asked his prison buddy. Kidding, kidding.

So who is for the repeal of the military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, anyway? I hear that Barack wants it to go away under his watch but is being very cautious about it. I heard that some conservative politician from Denver is railing against it. Hmm. I knew not to trust those Colorado survivalists. They are always against something that might endanger their water supply or mineral rights or something along those lines, and, damn it, open homosexual soldiers in the U.S. of A. military would be the ruination of all that, just like they would ruin the lives of all traditional-marriage husbands and wives throughout the world. Just watch South Park, and it's easy to see we are on the way toward Armageddon any day, because that is the gayest show on television. Who else would have the sense to constantly kill off Celine Dion?

Okay, so I am judging people who don't think the same way I do: Sarah Palin, Bruce Willis, Paris Hilton, the anti-gay factions out there — whatever. I'm trying to see that they have value in the world, of some kind, if only to be examples of how not to act. I want to learn from them. Figure out how they are the way they got to be and study them. Let them voice their opinions and be heard just like everyone else. I just hope the squirrels have room for me up in their trees. Glad they love nuts.

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