The Rant 


I see this is the last issue of the decade for this magical little newspaper, or the last of the year 2010, as you call it. And I gotta say, you Earthlings are some really funny creatures. We are out here in the universe watching the way you scamper and flit about over things like thick, black, grotesque oil and the invisible country borders you've made up and the various religions you use to try to get what you want when you want it. Do you still not get that those on the outside of your little world sit back and laugh at all this, because we know it boils down to you trying to prove to each other who has the largest penis? It's been happening on your planet for thousands and thousands of years, and so far we outsiders have still never seen any two that vary all that much in size, so why do you continue to bother?

We were reading that thing you call "Google News" recently and found while it is still a quaint way to disseminate information among your ranks, it never seems to change much. You people are always bitching about something, fighting about something, killing each other over something, stealing from each other, spying on each other, ruining each other's habitats, and anything else you can come up with to do to make yourselves more and more miserable, and it just doesn't make sense. You're like amphetamine-injected rats, almost all of you, and especially those of you in the highest ranks who think you are above most everyone else. Truth is, more often than not, you are the worst rats, because you're the busiest ones at running in circles chasing your own tails when you think you are getting one over on some other rats, while they are busy chasing their own tails to get to you. Your silliness would be humorous to us, but we do want all life in the entire universe to advance someday to the point of real, collective intelligence, and you are holding up the rest of us.

And you Americans are among the absolute peskiest Earthlings. For a gaggle of people who have such an overblown sense of superiority toward the rest of your planet, you sure do spend a lot of resources on all manner of huge vehicles, huge houses, huge televisions, huge closets full of designer clothes, and other things you don't need just to make yourselves feel better. Can anyone explain, please?

Now we see that you are worrying once again about all of the big bombs you have created — and are still creating — to potentially destroy each other and your planet. A couple of you who are in power have actually tried to reduce the number of weapons you each are allowed to possess (we find this aspect of your world particularly entertaining!), and many of the politicians some of you voted for to lead you are against this. We see the arguing and the paperwork and the extensions of time and deadlines and the bartering and so forth, and you enhance our sense of wonderment. You are some really, really busy rats.

And the arguing and bartering we see among you about taking care of each other is fascinating. We saw what happened to your city of New York back in 2001. Bad move on the part of some of your fellow humans. Caused a lot of hurt. But now for some reason, when those who helped the hurting are hurting in their own ways and need help, many of those among you who hailed them as heroes at the time now don't want to spend the resources it might take to help them. We are quite baffled at this. It must just be an Earth thing or an American thing that we don't know anything about.

And what about all this not asking or telling each other about your sexuality? Surely, after all these thousands of years, you Homo sapiens don't really still believe that there is something wrong with homosexuals. We are totally confused as to why you are still running around spending vast amounts of time and money on this one after all these years. Why does it take you humans so long to figure out something so simple?

And how can you possibly feel better about much of anything when you spend so much of your time worshipping those among you who are thought of as celebrities? Most of your "celebrities" don't possess any real talent or special gifts other than being good at getting attention, and many of them become incarcerated or end up on what you call "reality shows" in which they fight, kick, scream, call each other harsh names, and have their bodies operated on in an attempt to look different. Yet, many of you follow their every move and even try to mimic their behavior. And the more angry and unhappy they appear, the more you want to be like them.

And who is this woman, Angelina Jolie? We see where one of your newspapers had her featured on the front cover with the headline, "Angie's Violent Rages at Shiloh!" Why does this woman get so angry at parks that commemorate your American Civil War? Someone explain, please, why your celebrities are so prone to these tantrums and fits.

We sure do hope the next decade on your planet makes more sense. We are exhausted.

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