The Rant 

I have never compiled an end of the year Top 10 list, mainly because no one ever asked me. Nothing has changed in that regard, but since I wrote about this wretched 365 days past, I feel qualified to enumerate my 10 most annoying people/events of the year. Since this was an election cycle, I could have filled the list with nothing but goofy senatorial candidates like Sharron Angle or the world's worst loser, Alaska's Joe Miller, but I tried to spread the scorn around a little, beginning with:

10) Dick Clark. When he first appeared several years ago on "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve" after a debilitating stroke, it seemed shocking but courageous for him to go on the air in a semi-incapacitated state. Now, after several years, it's purely for self-aggrandizement. Only there's no one around him to tell him to hang it up. It's a shame that Dick Clark began his career entertaining children and ends it by frightening them.

9) Willie Herenton. The former Memphis mayor did not go silently into that good night but mounted one more vanity run for representative of the 9th congressional district with the slogan "Just One." Had that meant there's just one Willie Herenton, it might have been effective, but the slogan and the Herenton campaign drew national media attention by consistently stating that the district could only be fairly represented by a black man. This racist strategy drew a rare congressional endorsement from President Obama for Herenton's opponent, Steve Cohen. Even after Cohen beat him like a dusty rug, Herenton railed at the media, county mayor A C Wharton, white voters, the president, and anyone else he considered responsible for his last hurrah. At least we can hope it was.

8) BP CEO Tony Hayward. After the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, Hayward began a campaign of serial lying to stall for time. He intentionally misrepresented the size of the spill, the estimated damage to the Gulf, the mechanical safeguards that failed, and BP's grotesque record for safety. When appearing before Congress, Hayward said "I don't remember" more times than John Gotti at trial. And his famous remark, "I want my life back," drew enough anger for BP to recall him to Great Britain.

7) Cialis Commercials. Since the Supreme Court determined that corporations are now considered people, Cialis is one annoying sumbitch. Two aging yuppies are gardening or painting a house and exchange a randy glance, and suddenly waterfalls appear and thick plots of green grass grow where the horny couple pitch a tent. Next thing you know, they're reclining naked in the woods or on the beach in separate, antique bathtubs, implying that they did their dirty business thanks to Cialis. When's the last time you hit on someone and ended up nude, lying outside in a dry tub? I thought only tequila could do that.

6) Snooki. I allowed my wife to talk me into watching Jersey Shore, and it happened to be the episode where Snooki gets cold-cocked by some beefy drunk in a bar. Intrigued, I watched for a couple of weeks until I realized that this show is about a group of aimless, clueless morons whose sole purpose in life is getting drunk, fighting, boasting of their "hotness" or manliness, and picking up strangers with whom to "hook up." I used to have a redneck friend who would get mean drunk and say, "I want to fuck or fight, and I don't much care which." This sums up the entire premise of Jersey Shore.

5) Bank of America. The second largest non-oil company in the nation (after Walmart), BOA received $45 billion in government money through TARP with the instructions to ease credit restrictions and to work through their mortgage division to assist financially troubled homeowners. They responded by raising interest rates on credit cards 28 percent. Only last week, the bank was accused of institutional fraud, where people applying for loan modifications found their paperwork "lost" in the system, until default. The bank's employees advised some homeowners to intentionally miss payments to illustrate the urgency of their need, only to have BOA speed up foreclosure. The institution is so steeped in fraud, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has said the next batch of leaks will succeed in taking down the bank and its officers.

4) Mel Gibson. It was bad enough to read Gibson's anti-Semitic screeds second-hand, but to actually hear his insane ravings on his former girlfriend's phone tapes proved that he's a regular, foaming-at-the-mouth psychopath. I, for one, am no longer capable of watching a Mel Gibson movie. And here I thought it was just the Jews he hated.

3) The Republican Congressional Leadership. They devised a strategy of depriving the president of a single legislative victory through the tyranny of the minority, then pointed at him at election time and accused him of accomplishing nothing. And it worked. Until Obama steamrolled them during the lame-duck session. Minority leader Mitch McConnell has admitted that the Senate Republicans' top priority is to deprive Obama of a second term, and new House speaker John Boehner aims to "repeal and replace" the Obama health insurance reforms. It's not just that I think these men are working against the best interests of the country, but how do you take someone seriously when one of them looks like Mr. Toad from Alice in Wonderland and the other looks like an Oompa Loompa?

2) My Neighbor. I make a point of knowing my next-door neighbors, but it's probably just as well I don't know the name of the family across the back fence. The wife and four kids have spent the last eight years in their backyard screaming. The husband owns every gas-powered lawn device on the market, including a riding mower with a headlight so he can cut his postage-stamp-sized yard at night. Now, the neighbors have chickens, and our dogs have gone insane. They say good fences make good neighbors but, in this case, only when they're soundproof.

1) Sarah Palin. I try to ignore her, but they won't let me. The final outrage came during the reality show Sarah Palin's Alaska, when she murdered a young, female elk. Sure, she justified it by claiming they planned to eat the animal, but I'll bet the response to the dining experience won't match the orgasmic breathlessness exhibited by the bystanders when she killed that majestic creature. I'm convinced that this woman is a complete idiot, and if you think she's qualified to be the president, so are you.

Comments (27)

Showing 1-25 of 27

Add a comment

Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-25 of 27

Add a comment

    • The Long Way

      We must be hard on ourselves and on our leaders — and exacting in our vision of justice.
    • Amazon Land

      Giving away the farm — and dignity — to gain HQ2 is a bad idea.


Music Blog

Tribute to J.D. Reager Salutes a Mover and a Shaker

Film/TV/Etc. Blog

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

News Blog

15 Covers for our 1,500th issue

Tiger Blue

21 Thoughts on Tiger Football

Tiger Blue

Tigers 63, New Orleans 52


More by Randy Haspel

  • Fooey!

    In which the author grumbles about Dave Grohl, the NBA, and standing for patriotic songs.
    • Nov 9, 2017
  • El Pendejo

    A dream scenario for the Russian investigation …
    • Oct 16, 2017
  • Blow Hard

    So much winning is tough to take.
    • Sep 14, 2017
  • More »

Readers also liked…

  • Mr. Tangerine Man

    In an effort to avoid politics, Randy writes about his new cat.
    • Dec 1, 2016
  • Letter to My City

    All millennials do not share the same Memphis experiences.
    • Jul 6, 2017
  • Summer in the South is No Damn Good

    My friends up North tell me I won't complain about 96° and 500% humidity before noon once I have spent a winter in [insert Midwestern state here]. Oh. Yes. I. Will
    • Jun 23, 2016
© 1996-2017

Contemporary Media
460 Tennessee Street, 2nd Floor | Memphis, TN 38103
Visit our other sites: Memphis Magazine | Memphis Parent | Inside Memphis Business
Powered by Foundation