The Rant 

You'll have to excuse me if you see me in public and I am acting a bit strange. I am suffering from dizziness, nausea, vomiting, stomach cramping, constipation, mood swings, severe headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, fainting, bloating, difficulty breathing, tightness in the chest, swelling of the mouth, face, lips, and tongue, black stools, chest pain, confusion, decreased concentration, hallucinations, memory loss, agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, restlessness, seizures, tremors, fidgetiness, crossed eyes, even more hair loss — and a sudden attraction to Sarah Palin.

I think they are all side effects of one or two things: 1) the fact that the leader of the free world is having to reschedule one of the most important speeches of his presidency because of a Tea Party debate and a football game and/or 2) the fact that Dick Cheney is making the television rounds again, talking about his mean new book and how much he enjoys being a royal prick. I would call him a heinous human being but I would be wrong. I don't think he is human. He's like some kind of evil bobble-head doll whose eyes glow in the dark and who kills small children in their sleep.

Or maybe it's because of that earthquake in Alaska, the wreckage of which Palin will probably claim to have seen from her "We the People" bus in Iowa. I hope she is there campaigning and will soon announce that she is throwing her name into the hat already filled with the names of the clowns clawing for the Republican presidential nomination. I say this only because I think watching her debate Michele Bachmann might provide some of the finest entertainment we will ever see.

I can just see them now, arguing about the best way to create jobs, with Palin suggesting paying people to shoot and kill wild animals and Bachmann giving tax breaks to large pharmaceutical companies that manufacture and distribute anti-gay pills.

And speaking of Bachmann and drugs, has anyone else noticed that she and the robotic woman on the Lypozene diet-pill commercials are actually one and the same? They both look like someone has a grip on the back of their heads, which stretches their faces to the point that it prevents them from being able to open their mouths all the way. It's freakish, but it may not be such a bad thing. Otherwise Bachmann might talk more about how much she loves Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. Ew. And I swear I saw a news clip the other day of Palin walking around with a guy wearing either a Revolutionary War uniform or a pirate outfit.

All of these people running for the Republican nomination and/or Tea Party nomination — is there really a difference? — are very entertaining, albeit a bit frightening when you consider one of them might end up with the power to press the nuclear button or visit a school to read to children. Every time I see Rick Perry, I burst out laughing because he looks like he has on the same toupee as that dude in Aruba who was with the woman who is now missing. (He claims they went scuba diving and she got lost at sea but his friends say there's no way because he would be afraid the water would wash his rug away. You just can't make up things like that.)

It kind of makes me wonder if maybe Newt Gingrich is not so bad — well, except that while he was leading the investigation into the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky ordeal he was cheating on his second wife, the one he had been cheating with during his marriage to his first wife. What a guy. Maybe he should have masturbated more so he and the anti-masturbation activist, former Delaware senator Christine O'Donnell, could duke that issue out in front of millions of Tea Partiers all huddled in front of their televisions and sitting on American-flag-covered cushions. (Author's special note: The word count on this at the end of that sentence was 666. Yikes!)

So what about Palin joining the race, winning the nomination, and choosing Bachmann as her vice-presidential running mate? I think that would be too awesome for words, although it does make my heart sink just a little to think that lots of people would actually be dumb enough to vote for them. And if you think this is anti-woman, it is not. I would love nothing more than to see a woman in the White House after Obama finishes his second term. But she would have to be one who didn't cut off live wolves' legs or tell children not to see The Lion King because it might make them gay. I don't think that's asking too much.

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