The Rant 

I know I am a silly, silly man, but I am floating out of my chair like Linda Blair right now watching the video over and over of President Barack Obama singing a line from Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" at the Apollo Theater in Harlem. It's just six words — "I'm still in love with you" — but it has caused me to have unnatural fits and I firmly believe it has cinched his reelection. It is his Bill-Clinton-playing-the-saxophone-on-Arsenio-Hall moment. AND he can really sing. I'm not always proud be an American because of some of the things that go on in this country and things we do around the world, but I am feeling downright patriotic enough to want to go around the world and say, "Ha! Look what we have that you don't have!"

And this comes at such a great time. With the freak-show Republican debates spiraling downward into childish, foot-stomping tantrums, I'm surprised ol' Eye of Newt hasn't bitch-slapped Mitt Romney and called him a doody-pot and pulled a Mike Tyson and bitten the others on the ear. I think Newt must have gone to the Dick Cheney Charm School and graduated at the top of his class with a Ph.D. in Bitter with a minor in Infidelity That Must Not Be Discussed. Personally, I couldn't care less about his having had an affair(s) while married and I do wish they would stop asking him about it because the thought of him having sex with ANYONE is unsettling.

Yep, they need to come up with some new topics if they're going to continue these ongoing group gab sessions. I think they need to ask them what they think about Douglas Gregory Nichols of Athens, Tennessee, who was arrested the other day for twice dressing up in drag and impersonating his dead sister at a pharmacy there to get her hydrocodone and Xanax prescriptions (that is dedication). Here's how it could go:

Moderator: "Candidates, I'm going to give you each 10 seconds to respond to how you feel about men dressing up in drag to impersonate their dead sisters to illegally obtain their pain-pill and Xanax prescriptions":

Rick Santorum: "I have an opinion on that but I wrote it myself and it's at home on my computer and I haven't been home."

Rick Perry: "I have three thoughts on that: 1) Drag ain't Christian, 2) Drag ain't Christian, and 3) Uh, uh, uh, uh ...

Ron Paul: "If you stop him from that, none of us will have any civil liberties left."

Mitt Romney: "If he was successful at it then it was fine. That's how America should work. In fact, I'm going to check the medicine cabinets in each of my six homes and see what kind of drugs I have and release some of them, not sure how many, to that guy ... in April."

Newt Gingrich: "I did not ask my ex-wife for an open marriage!"

And while they are at it, they should ask Newt's current wife, Callista, how she feels about it.

Callista: "Well, I could have shown him how to fix his wig so that not one hair was ever out of place and certainly could have showed him how to apply his makeup so he would have looked like a female mannequin, as long as he didn't ask me to utter a word in the process. Now leave me alone. I have to go call Newt's ex and sing 'Woman to Woman' to her."

Too bad Sarah Palin ended up not throwing her moose-fur hat in the ring.

Palin: "Oh, ya gotta be kiddin' me. I coulda seen he was in drag from my backyard in Alaska while I was out shootin' a wolf!"

See, this would be much better than talking about tax returns and the might of the military and why people don't really need health insurance and how President Obama "got us into this economic mess" (even though he wasn't in office when it began).

How many more of these debates do they need to have, anyway? I mean, they are pretty funny and it's great entertainment, along the lines of the Keystone Kops, but they always say the same things and they always fight. Why keep at it? Oh, I forgot. It's politics. Silly me. The only thing regarding this race I wanted to see is the Cain/Colbert rally in which Stephen Colbert jokingly ran for the primary in South Carolina with the votes going to Herman Cain, whose name was still on the ballot even though he had dropped out of the race.

Maybe Cain still has a chance. Can you imagine how the Tea Party would react if the Democratic AND the Republican candidates running for president were African-American? They'd be running to Canada by the millions. I wonder if they have any cliffs up there where lemmings take the plunge.

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