THURSDAY, 5 

THURSDAY, 5

Since I've managed to tune out this movie going on about war and terrorism and corporate corruption and chopping down the forests and September 11th and the West Nile virus and all of the other things that have so many people freaked out because they don't realize that this is but a tiny second in the billion-year scheme of things, I have no idea if we've bombed Iraq with Martha Stewart yet. I have turned my attention to goats and sperm and nude lab mice and testicles. Yes, I'm following the studies being conducted by some scientists in Pennsylvania who are now grafting goat and pig sperm into lab mice in hopes of one day being able to produce rare endangered animals and allow men who've lost their testicles to still have children through the mice somehow. Does this mean men are going to be bigger rats than they already are? Who knows? The way it works, I think, is that they graft the sperm into the mouse and, later, when you're out of sperm, you get it from the mouse somehow. This is the explanation I read: "The researchers said they hope to use the mice as 'bio-incubators' to grow sperm cells for endangered species whose survival is threatened by a lack of sexually mature males." WHAT? Sexually mature males? Is that an oxymoron or a misprint? I don't know. Goat sperm in mice. Human sperm in mice. Pig sperm in mice. Somehow, I have this vision of a mice giving birth to a goat, or vice versa, or a woman giving birth to a goat. Is mythology being revisited here? I also have a vision of a goat's testicles exploding and a mouse coming out. BOOM! Goat testes blowing up and the mouse flying out and having a ball. It's all kind of neat, don't you think? But not as neat as a comment from one of the scientists: "Anything done with humans would have to undergo scrutiny first by ethics boards and the whole nine yards. This is nothing you'd want to try at home." Well, no shit. I can see it now: Me trying to extract sperm from a goat in my living room and graft it to a mouse. It would be kind of fun to be doing that just when a Jehovah's Witness comes calling. "Hi. Have you been saved by the Lord?" "Well, yes, I have, and now, I am busy trying to get sperm out of a goat! Do you think being saved was the right thing to do?" Maybe I could try this with my new pet grasshopper that lives in my den. He's very beautiful and sits on my coffee table in the morning while I read. I've named him Alfred and have grown quite attached to him. I just hope his entire family doesn't decide to move in. But he's a cutie. I wonder if grasshoppers have sperm. Maybe I could clone him with a goat and have a goat that can jump up on the ceiling. Now, that would really lessen the possibility of anyone staying in the house for any length of time. It would be as good as when I had my pet squirrel, Mister, whose favorite thing to do was jump up on the arm of a chair a newcomer to the house was sitting in, sending said newcomer flying into the air and screaming. It was a miraculous way to get rid of people from our church who always came by to see where we had been for so long. I guess the possibilities here are endless. I may just have to get a goat this weekend and get started. In the meantime, here's a brief look at what's going on around town this week. Tonight, there's not a whole lot going on, but if you haven't seen The Dempseys in a while, check 'em out at Elvis Presley's Memphis. Lis Harvey is at the Map Room. The Teresa Pate Jazz Trio is playing in the M Bar at Melange. And The Domino Kings and The Central Standards are at the Hi-Tone.

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