Listen:
My friend does this thing. Every time we go out anywhere, sheยll bite on her straw. When sheยs finished with her drink, sheยll twist the straw around in her mouth, use it to point to people, or chew on it until itยs soggy plastic pulp and then throw it on the table. If she doesnยt want a drink, sheยll ask for just the straw and do the same thing. It is disgusting. I want to say something, but I donยt think sheยll take it well. Any advice?
Okay:
Thatยs gross. Really. I used to have this friend who would, after eating, pluck a hair from her head and use it as dental floss. At the table.
This was a habit that looked rather unappetizing (of course she wouldnยt wait until you were done eating) and it wasnยt very good for her hairline, either. So we took a stand.
One time she ate her last bite of corn or whatever, plucked the hair and began to seesaw it back and forth on her front teeth and someone said, ยHEATHER! Stop that! Itยs disgusting. If youยre going to do that, at least take it to the bathroom.ย
Heather became offended and enraged by the outburst. She felt like we were attacking her, which of course, we were. There was a scene — hardly the thing you want in a nice restaurant — and a few weeks of non-speaking. In looking back (so that you can look forward), it seems to me the best answer would not have been to wait until it was annoying the crap out of everyone, but to say something as early as possible. And perhaps to say something that didnยt start out as an indictment.
In fact, I think the best way to go about this is to let your little Miss Manners know that you find this habit of her this side of repulsive, but to not make a big deal out of it. Itยs like if someone has a split in their pants or spinach in their teeth.
If your buddyยs butt is out in the breeze, for instance, youยve got the option of not telling them and sparing them the embarrassment of knowing that you noticed. At the same time, when (or if) they realize it themselves later, theyยll be more embarrassed, but buoyed by the secret hope that ยmaybe nobody saw.ย Because of course, theyยd say to themselves, if those people are my friends, theyยd tell me, right? To spare me the embarrassment of the whole world seeing my whole world?
The best option of all would be to act like itยs no big deal and hand them your jacket to put around their waist. Thatยs a perfect world scenario, but theyยre less embarrassed, youยre less embarrassed, and theyยre not at home wondering why nobody told them.
That wasnยt the best analogy, but maybe you can see where Iยm going. She orders a drink and starts to chew on the straw and you pull out a pack of gum and hand her a piece with a few gentle words of ยdonยt do that ever again.ย
And if that doesnยt work, go ahead and use the first approach and wait for the fall out. The confrontation wasnยt pretty, but believe me, seeing Heather heading to the bathroom with a roll of dental floss was.
Listen:
The other day my boyfriend and I were talking and I said something about our future. Iยve been seeing him for about eight months and I guess I assumed that we were going the same direction.
I was wrong. He looked at me and said, ยYou realize this canยt go anywhere, right?ย I said no and asked why and he pointed to his Hebrew name engraved on the ring he always wears.
I didnยt understand and he said, ยIยm Jewish. Youยre not. When I get married, itยs going to be with someone Jewish.ย
I couldnยt believe he would say something like that. We had a huge fight about it. I told him that our religion wouldnยt matter as long as we loved each other, but he disagreed.
Now weยve broken up, but I want him back. How can I make him understand that we can stay together despite our differences?
Okay:
Religion is a funny thing. For those who donยt have it, itยs just a strange word encompassing weird beliefs, silly rituals, and self-righteousness on the part of others. For those who do have it, on the other hand, itยs at least a small part of who they are, if not something they remain vested in down to their core being.
Or so Iยve heard. I mean, have you read the news lately? Religionยs sticky fingerprints are all over the international conflicts of the world right now. Youยve got believers versus non-believers who think they are the real true believers, etc., etc., etc.
You want a reconciliation? Try telling that to Israel and Palestine. And good luck.
Thatยs not to make light of their situation or yours; Iยm just trying to show how centuries worth of religion dissidence can play out.
Even if you donยt think so or you canยt see the importance, you and your boyfriend have a bit of that same religious dissidence. He might want to marry inside the faith because of religious reasons, but at the same time, he might also just acknowledge that being different faiths and trying to be life partners isnยt always the easiest path to hoe.
Itยs hard to share a life if you donยt share a belief on what life is.
What Iยm saying is, let it be. You think that your love should conquer all your differences. That certainly could happen if both of you were willing to make sacrifices for each other. (Warning, this might sting a bit) There might be a woman out there whom he would fall so crazily in love with that she would become more important to him than his religion, but youยre not it. If you were, we wouldnยt be having this strange dialogue.
It is a little upsetting that his religious beliefs didnยt make him feel compelled to tell you the truth about all this from the beginning. I mean, his religion influences his marital choices, but he couldnยt be up front enough to share that little secret with you?
At this point, I would just remind him that everything you do comes back to you threefold or tenfold (depending on your school of thought). And maybe youยll realize one day that this break-up is probably the best thing for both of you.
If only someone couldยve fixed the Israeli Palestinian thing this early on …