Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Bianca Knows Best … And Helps a Polyamorous Woman
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Jan 19, 2010 at 1:59 PM
Dear Bianca,
My husband and I started dating "Jenny" nine years ago, and she's been a central part of our lives since then. Two years ago, she moved in with us, although to all but a few of our closest friends, she's a roommate. She doesn't have any family of her own nearby, so she's been coming to our family holidays as a "friend" since we met. Everyone loves her, and we have been thinking about coming out to them.
I don't have the foggiest idea how they'll react. Most of them are religious, but not the arch-conservative type. I'd like to be able to be able to be truthful with my family, but I'm also the type who tends to avoid drama and blow-ups like the plague.
Any advice on how I could ease into this before the next family get-together? Or should we leave a good thing just the way it is?
— Nervous Polyamorous Girl
Dear Nervous,
First, I’d like to congratulate you for making a polyamorous relationship last as long as you have. I’ve had friends who experimented with multiple partners, but I only know of one couple (or should I say triple?) that’s managed to make it work for longer than a few months.
As for your quandary, I’d say if Jenny has been coming to your family gatherings for nine years, she’s probably considered a part of the family by now. And that means your family members will likely be more accepting of her position in your life than if she was a new addition. Not to mention that Jenny’s long-term place in your life must mean you three are pretty serious.
I’d advise coming out slowly, and certainly to do so before the next big family gathering. A Christmas dinner or family reunion is no place for that kind of drama. You could start by telling a few of your more open-minded family members (whom you think can keep a secret). Ask them to help you gauge how other family members might react. For the more conservative members of the family, you may want to break the news in the company of those who are in on your secret. It’s always good to have supporters in these situations.
Polyamory is even less understood than gay relationships, so prepare for a little backlash. In fact, some people may even write you off. But if they love you (and your husband and Jenny), they’ll come around in time.
If after testing the waters with open-minded members of the family, you decide that some family members just won’t get it, it’s okay to keep a secret. Just come out to as many people as you feel you safely can.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Comments (33)
Showing 1-33 of 33
Good advice, Bianca. I'd expect Nervous might be surprised by a few family members. It would seem hard to interact with someone you love in front of family members for 9 years without someone wondering. I'd bet you get one or two, "I thought so's..." and maybe even a "Back in the '70's Aunt Janice and I used to..." Sadly, you probably will have a few who never accept it, but putting up with family we disapprove of is a time-honored tradition. Best of luck to all three of ya'll!
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Yeah, it's like when my uncle and his "roommate" of 27 years came out to my family one Christmas: The reaction was mostly, "Well, duh." Not exactly a shocker.
If they really want to make this a lifelong commitment, they should consult an experienced estate-planning lawyer. TN only recognizes one legal spouse, and that spouse has rights after a person's death that no one else gets. Things could easily turn uncomfortable when one member of the legal couple passes away, even if everything is clearly specified in the will.
My Uncle Slappy and I knew damn well not to go broadcasting our exciting new tryst with Gretel, whom we had come across at that little Euro-trance club south of town, "The Dancing Ferret." The less people know about the three of us the better.
Excellent advice, Bianca. I'm poly but not yet out to my grown kids. Of course, my non-primary relationships are not nearly as close as Jenny's is with Nervous's family. I'm guessing, however, that at least some of the kinfolk already know the score. Like Bruce said...this will NOT be a big shocker in all likelihood.
I never expected a Memphis article to have more poly people comment than people making Mormon jokes. I'm pleasantly surprised by my city. I guess John Ford with his wife and girlfriend broke us in. :-D
Wow, I could have written this letter. My husband and I have been living with our girlfriend for a year, and with her for two. She also has no family in the area, and everyone but our closest friends think she's just a friend and housemate. Try to imagine if no one could know your husband or wife was married to you. It causes difficulties and stress on the relationship. We have already had the whole range of reactions from the few people we have told, which makes it harder to take the next step.
June, that would suck. What were the reactions like? I guess I'm not enough of a prick, but I don't understand a negative reaction outside of someone who is family. It doesn't seem like my friends' sex lives affect me?
Jeff: A Mormon walks into a bar. Phone rings. He yells to the bartender, "If that's my wives, I'm not here."
The one family member any of us has told is a close-in-age sibling who is also a friend to all three of us and part of our social circle. The response was shaken and upset but with an effort to be open-minded and trust that we hadn't lost our minds. The response from the sibling's spouse, who is also a close friend of ours, was extremely negative and angry. It caused some tension and has made us hesitant to tell other family members. The handfull of close friends we told took it mostly okay, although one has been oddly quiet about it and avoided the subject. We made it clear that we don't think we're oh-so fascinating and didn't expect to be the hot topic of conversation after we told, but we were kind of surprised by how much certain individuals prefer to act like they don't know.
I wouldn't worry June. Some people are just uncomfortable talking about relationships in general. Anything outside their zone of awareness might be especially uncomfortable. Just keep being yourselves and they'll lighten up over time. If that doesn't happen, don't let it become your problem.
Honestly, I don't understand it. The reactions, I mean. I've long been of the opinion that it is utterly hypocritical of this nation to have laws banning polygamous marriage, but it's perfectly legal for multiple people to live together this way.
Years ago, I worked for a man who had two wives and two families. He spent part of his week with one, the rest of his week with the other. Because he didn't actually try to marry the second one, his situation was perfectly legal, but if he had ever tried to marry the second one, he would have gone to jail. And that, in my opinion, is just stupid.
There seems to be no recognition in these posts of just how far out of the mainstream poly is. I wonder why you want to tell others who are not asking. If they know of your and your husband's affection for Jenny, isn't that enough? I never discuss with others what I do sexually with either my wife when I was married or a lover.
Michael, didn't you just show off your relationship by calling her your wife? I think that's about all Nervous wants. I don't think she's going to be describing threesomes in detail to Aunt Betty.
I recognize how far outside the mainstream it is, in principle. In reality, it's very much in the mainstream. People just don't call it polyamory. They call it cheating, and they do it all the time. What I don't understand is why, if the two women don't know each other, everybody winks and chuckles, but if they know each other and get along, Aunt Betty clutches her pearls and reaches for the fainting couch.
Jeff, the difference between polyamory and cheating is that polyamory is consensual and agreed upon by all parties whereas cheating is not. As long as everyone agrees on the arrangement, who cares?
Honestly, is it something that you just feel the need to tell your family? The ones that know you best have more than likely figured it out by now; the ones that only see you at family functions have probably whispered about it for at least a few years; and those that you don't care for...well their opinion just really doesn't matter anyhow. Here is my case in point...This comes from a great aunt of mine. Yes, a great aunt, she died in her late 80's back around '91 or so. She lived most of her adult life with her husband and their friend. Funny thing about it is that after her husband died, the friend continued to live with her until he died in his mid-90's. The best part is that everyone in the family called the husband and the friend uncle, yet nothing was ever officially declared to the family. I will say that they went through the necessary legal stuff with wills and such to make sure that everything was taken care of.
Agree with Jeff about society's pretense...
Calling it cheating makes it commonplace with a 'nudge, nudge, wink, wink', while calling it 'an arrangement' makes it French, but calling it polyamory makes it somehow 'alternative' and shocking.
I tend to draw a large distinction however between poly, and polygamy, because far too many polygamists have deliberately given the term a direct connotation of forced child marriages and extremist views on violence that cross the line for me personally.
There is a HUGE difference between polygamy and polyamory. Polygamy is one MAN having plural wives [which means other men will have, by definition, no wives]. Polyamory is a person of either sex having plural partners. Polyamory does not discriminate against either women or men.
Addendum: Polygamy is inherently violent. To keep other men from reproducing by having multiple wives [and kicking boys out of the nest after puberty, so there are no claims on women in the home] is a violent act. It is not surprising that further violence is done to young girls. If one man had 5 wives, that means 4 men will have no wives. Much is written about the damage that is done to women in polygamy [true], but even more violence is done to men and boys overall.
Polymory has a completely different ethos. It is open, trusting and equal opportunity.
Michael, I think your ideas of polygamy are somewhat restricted. The most obvious polygamists of today are the radical Christianist harem-keepers who force little girls into wedlock, and I think this is from whence your... dare I say, prejudices?... arise. True polygamy would be polyamory with the blessing of the law.
She wants to tell her family for the same reason you wouldn't want to take your husband or wife to family gatherings for nine years having everyone think you're just friends. This isn't swinging and it isn't just about sex. There's a whole committed relationship, and just for starters, it's difficult and hurtful to the girlfriend never to be acknowledged or accepted in her true role as equal partner.
Bianca: thanks for responding supportively to this situation. I have a couple things to add:
1) I am monogomous, but personally know several polyamorous relationships that have been in effect for years. At the same time, let's not buy into the idea that longevity is the only marker of a successful relationship. Many shorter polyamorous relationships are wonderful just as they are.
2) I think that this person should consider a different approach to "coming out" to her family. She should share with her more open-minded family members positive news pieces about polyamory, such as this recent piece on Fox News: http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/morning/pol… .
Sharing what is good and normal about polyamorous relationships, without openly relating it to herself, is the best way to go. It avoids the awkward TMI nature of such conversations (discussing one's sex life with one's parents, however tastefully, can be pretty awful), while letting family members have their "A-Ha" moment when they're ready to face the truth. Smart family members will read between the lines and ask the relevant questions, eventually =^)
Bianca: thanks for responding supportively to this situation. I have a couple things to add:
1) I am monogomous, but personally know several polyamorous relationships that have been in effect for years. At the same time, let's not buy into the idea that longevity is the only marker of a successful relationship. Many shorter polyamorous relationships are wonderful just as they are.
2) I think that this person should consider a different approach to "coming out" to her family. She should share with her more open-minded family members positive news pieces about polyamory, such as this recent piece on Fox News: http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/morning/polyamorous-relationships-a-lifestyle-with-multiple-partners .
Sharing what is good and normal about polyamorous relationships, without openly relating it to herself, is the best way to go. It avoids the awkward TMI nature of such conversations (discussing one's sex life with one's parents, however tastefully, can be pretty awful), while letting family members have their "A-Ha" moment when they're ready to face the truth. Smart family members will read between the lines and ask the relevant questions when they're ready =^)
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