SAMPLING THE GOODS
Listen to this:
I am 36 and just met the love of my life a few months ago. It all happened when I returned to the church Iยve belonged to ever since I was little. He was an usher and very involved in church activities. I thought he was handsome so I became very involved in the church, too.
We started dating and he was great. Things progressed a little too slowly for me, but all my friends said that if it was real, there was no reason to rush. They were right. We held hands like teenagers, kissed for the first time on our third date, and I fell in love. One night after we got back to his place, I jumped him. I tore off his clothes with my teeth, whispered seductively, and I assumed I was spending the night. Thatยs when he told me that he had never known a woman, biblically. Heยs 34.
Iยm not sure what to do. Iยve been dating for 20 years now and sleeping with men for about that long. My magic number is in the double digits while his is nonexistent. I think heยs going to ask me to marry him and that he will insist we wait until the honeymoon (although I might be able to sway him once weยre engaged). Iยm not sure I can wait. I donยt want to marry him without sampling the goods.
Signed,
A Tramp From Way Back
Okay:
So your odometer is about to turn over and his is still on 0. I think the last thing you want to do is pressure him for a test drive.
I understand you wanting to take one. We try on clothes before we buy them. We test samples at the grocery store. But there are plenty of things you buy without using them first like … wallpaper. And with houses, you may go inside them before you buy them, but you donยt live in them. You just look at them — and thatยs what Iยd suggest in this case.
Iยm discouraging the test drive for a couple of reasons. The first of which is that you want to respect his decision. I donยt think he can fault you for what you did before you met him (okay, he can, but you can say youยre a changed woman or some other crap), but pressuring him to change his mind would be sort of, well, trampy. I mean, you can wait a few months, right? He waited 34 years.
Second, Iยm not sure — how shall I put this — that the handling youยll experience during the test drive is going to live up to your expectations. I could be wrong. He might be some wonderstud, but no one knows that yet, do they? And itยs not as if heยs been out the last 34 years working on his game.
But thatยs exactly why you want to take the test drive, you say. The physical may not be the cornerstone of any relationship, but itยs still important. Yes, I say, but … we wouldnยt want you scared off because it isnยt the smoothest experience youยve ever had (Iยm trying to keep this clean, but Iยm afraid itยs not very easy).
Letยs try something else. For instance, if you sampled raw brussel sprouts at the grocery before you bought them, you might be less likely to buy them (Iยm assuming that brussel sprouts arenยt your fave). But, in the long run, you need brussel sprouts; theyยre good for you. And once you figure out how you like them cooked … well, I think youยre experienced enough to see where Iยm going with this. So wait until the wedding night. If itยs good, youยll be pleasantly surprised. If itยs bad, youยll have all your life to work on the recipe.
Listen to this:
Several weeks ago, I had what can only be called a one-night stand although I didnยt know it at the time. I was on a blind date with someone a friend of a friend of a friend knew and we instantly clicked. I donยt shy away from sex, so I had no reservations about going home with him, but Iยm not the type of woman who jumps into bed with everyone she meets. I guess you could say Iยm liberated but discriminating.
I havenยt regretted my decision. The sex was phenomenal and we exchanged numbers when I left the next morning. Days later, the warm fuzzy feeling was wearing off and I was wondering why he hadnยt called yet. I was also wondering when I became a woman who would wonder why he hasnยt called.
With my patience running thin and two tickets to a local charity event in my hand, I went ahead and called him. He didnยt sound overjoyed to hear from me, but he didnยt sound upset to hear from me, either. And when I asked him to the event, he basically told me he was busy and wouldnยt be available for several weeks.
I was fine with the fact that it was a one-night stand, after I realized it was a one-night stand. I wonยt lie, that realization smarted, but these things happen. Hereยs the twist. I was telling my friend about the whole thing and she indicated that she thought it was a bad idea I called him at all.
Iยve been calling men, so to speak, since I was in middle school. Iยm not married (neither is she) so I canยt say my success rate is 100 percent, but I donยt think the technique has ever screwed me over either. Now Iยm not sure. I really liked this man and I thought he liked me so Iยm a little confused. Do I need to dig my copy of The Rules out of the waste bin and set forth to reading it immediately?
Okay:
No worries, The Rules can stay right where you left them. One of those women is divorced anyway, so her success rate isnยt exactly 100 percent. Iยm going to sound like a candy commercial here, but thereยs no one right way to begin a relationship. Or end one. You can only do whatยs comfortable for you, whether thatยs walking up and down Front Street wearing a sign saying, ยIยM SINGLE!ย or sitting quietly at your neighborhood bar.
But thatยs the end of the after-school special segment of our show. It sounds like your phone call didnยt make much difference one way or another and that he was never planning on calling. Probably he was banking on the fact that you would never call him. Sometimes we just have to face the fact that weยve been used, whether it was intentional or not. It sounds like you know this, so here is my callous advice: Suck it up. Get over it.
Actually I was watching a rerun of ยKate & Allyย the other day on Oxygen and the plot was this: they both liked the same guy, they had set a trap to figure out which one of them he liked best but it meant he had to call one of them and he didnยt. They moped around the set for a while waiting until finally, the two teenage daughters (and remember, this was in the ร80s when the hair stood two feet taller than the people) told the moms to call him. Oh, we can do that now, both Kate and Ally said, weยre liberated. Or something to that effect. What Iยm trying to do here is reassure you that if calling guys didnยt make you a pushy, desperate slut in the ย80s, it definitely doesnยt now.
My take on this has always been: Why wait for a muffin to come to you — one you may not like — when you can just belly up to the bakery case and pick one out yourself? Perhaps an oversimplification, but all the muffin can do is say no and then you get on with your life. Simple. My advice is, if you still have those tickets, head on out to the bakery. Or you can sit at home, feeling sorry for yourself and watching the Oxygen channel.