A few weeks ago, I got an interesting e-mail.
“I need your help in a somewhat strange endeavor,” my friend wrote.
“I’m trying to find a ‘mate’ for one of my good friends. She is
convinced that there are no good guys to be had in Memphis, but I think
it’s just a matter of looking in the right places.
“What she is looking for is a straight, single male who is mature
and caring, has a job, a college degree, doesn’t live with mom, and has
some sort of plan for the future, such as family and children.”
Unfortunately, I knew exactly what her friend was talking about.
A few weeks prior to the e-mail, in a very misguided attempt
to cheer up one of my gal pals, another friend and I started a list of
all the single men we knew. We included ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands,
friends, friends’ brothers, and even people we had never met but knew
in only the vaguest of ways (one entry reads “John’s roommate”).
There were caveats, many the same my friend’s e-mail mentioned. The
result? It wasn’t a long list, and while there were some prospects,
they were mostly dark horse candidates. The whole endeavor didn’t
inspire a lot of confidence (though it has, in the interim weeks,
inspired a lot of jokes).
I’m no Candace Bushnell, nor her on-screen alter ego, Carrie
Bradshaw, but I wondered what other single women and men in Memphis
thought. So I started asking.
People said Memphis dating was “difficult,” “limited,” “redundant,”
“incestuous,” and “disheartening.” In an informal online conversation,
women said there didn’t seem to be any good single men left, and men
said that Memphis women were stuck up.
Which is, perhaps, not all that surprising. In his 2008 book,
Who’s Your City?, Richard Florida wrote that where you live is
one of the greatest influences on the person you will share your life
with. Using data from National Geographic, Florida published a
map that showed the ratio of single men to women in major metropolitan
areas.
And in Memphis, there are more than 20,000 more single women than
single men.
Gillian Smoot, marketing director at a financial technology company,
moved to the city two years ago after finishing grad school.
“I have my career started and plenty of friends, but I’m to the
point where I’m looking for someone here on a different level. When you
work all week and come home to an empty apartment at night, you realize
that it would be nice to have a significant other,” she says. “Maybe I
should consider a dog, since they are easier to find than a nice
guy.”
She’s not sure she can find what she’s looking for in Memphis, and
she says she would be more likely to date a person who isn’t from
Memphis.
“People here tend to go to college and get married as soon as they
graduate,” she says. “Many people from Memphis never want to leave, and
people not from here see the world as more open.”
Her friend Sonja Luecke agrees. A native of Germany, she says,
“Everybody gets married so early here. … There are a few
leftovers.”
One of the constant refrains, from both men and women, is how
shallow the Memphis dating pool is.
“I know a lot of people who end up dating each other’s ex-boyfriends
and girlfriends,” says Michael Flanagan, a 30-year-old Midtown
resident. “It’s the largest small town in America: Everyone has dated
someone who has dated someone who is an acquaintance or friend of
theirs.”
That can be helpful for initial introductions, and it can also mean
getting the full scoop on someone before you ever go out.
“It’s hard to meet anyone who doesn’t know you through at least one
other person, and you’ve probably dated that other person,” says Jim
Duong, a Memphis College of Art graduate. “There’s a lack of anonymity,
which is part of the allure of the whole dating experience.”
But if you do meet someone outside of your social circle,
girl-about-town Melanie Miller says it can be very refreshing. “If you
have lived here for any extended period, chances are, if you want to
date someone, you already have,” she says. “Or they’ve dated your
friends.”
Single Memphians said they meet potential dates at bars, through
friends, at dog parks, churches, and through dating sites on the
Internet.
“If someone new moves in from out of town,” Flanagan says, “it’s
like high school when a transfer student comes in.”
What I would say is this: All it takes is one. And “the list” is
available to the highest bidder.