You got trouble, folks,
Right here in River City,
Trouble with a capital “T”
And that rhymes with “P” and that stands for Pool …
After reading a news report about a troubling incident in Florida last weekend, it seems to me that that bit of doggerel from The Music Man may need to be updated. Sure, “T” still stands for trouble, but “P”? Well, in 2026 that apparently stands for “pickleball.”
In the original musical, set in a small Iowa town in 1912, an itinerant con-man sings to parents about the dangers of letting their teens play billiards in the local pool hall:
“One fine night, they leave the pool hall,
Heading for the dance at the Armory,
Libertine men and scarlet women,
and ragtime, shameless music …”
The horror! But in a remake, it’s more likely that that con-man would be warning middle-aged children about letting their Boomer parents play big-boy table tennis with those giant plastic balls and cumbrous paddles. They’re liable to get beaten up, or worse.
The article I saw in The New York Times — “Florida Couple Arrested After Pickleball Match Turns Into a Brawl” — was meticulously detailed and one of the most entertaining things I read last week. (And of course it happened in Florida.)
The fight started in a match at Spruce Creek Country Club in Port Orange between husband-and-wife teams, when one of the men — Anthony “Tony Paddles” Sapienza (Yeah, I made up the nickname, sorry) — accused his opponent of playing a shot from a restricted rectangle near the net known as the “kitchen.” I guess he couldn’t stand the heat? I dunno.
Anyway, shortly thereafter, Sapienza called his opponent’s wife a vulgar misogynistic name, and from there it got ugly fast. When the man objected to the name-calling, Sapienza came around the net and began whacking his opponent with his paddle. When the victim’s wife tried to intervene, Sapienza shoved her to the ground. Another man, age 70, who tried to stop the fight, was punched in the nose by Sapienza. Then Mrs. Sapienza got in on the action, also punching her husband’s second victim, whose nose by this time was bleeding spectacularly.
More than 20 others were soon involved. Pawpaws were pummeled, Nanas were knocked to the ground, ancient knees were scraped, wrinkled faces bled from fresh cuts. Finally, an ambulance was called for three of the geezers, who literally got carried away. All this over a country club pickleball match between people on Medicare. I hope their Plan B covers rando fisticuffs and assault with a clunky paddle.
It makes you think: At a time when Memphis Grizzlies players in their 20s get injured lifting a water bottle, these testy geezers are still having fistfights. Can they make a free throw? Might be worth considering. But I digress.
According to the police report, after the brawl the Sapienzas “fled the club for their gated condominium on the beach.” Because, of course they did. They were later arrested and Mr. Sapienza was charged with two counts of felony battery on a person 65 years or older, and one count of aggravated battery causing bodily harm, which, if convicted, carry maximum sentences of five years in prison on the first charge and 15 years for aggravated battery. He is pleading not guilty by reason of the fact “the guy was in the f—king kitchen!”
To make matters worse, Sapienza was banned from Spruce Creek Country Club for life. But in a brilliant legal maneuver, he hurriedly joined Mar-a-Lago, whereupon President Trump immediately ordered Attorney General Pam “How Dare You!” Bondi to launch an investigation into Sapienza’s elderly victim for attacking Sapienza’s paddle with his face. HHS Secretary Kristi Noem called the injured man a “dangerous domestic terrorist” and pledged to send masked ICE agents to question him in the hospital. Sapienza was named ambassador to Norway.
All in all, it was quite the time down in Florida last week. And most of it’s true. I leave it to you to figure out what parts are fake — which we all have to do every day, anyway.