Want to hear a great dumb blond joke?

Carrie Prejean! Just kidding, of course. Just because the Miss
California beauty queen has blond hair — whether it’s natural or
not — and parades herself around in front of large crowds of
people in a bikini and lies about how many seminaked photos of her are
out there on the Internet doesn’t make her dumb. And even her stance
that marriage should be between only one man and one woman doesn’t make
her dumb. That is her opinion, and she has her right to believe that.
What does make her come off as being, uh, less than an intellectual
giant is that now, as the spokesperson for the National Association for
Marriage, she doesn’t seem to be able, as far as I have heard, to get
beyond the statement “I just want to protect marriage.” It’s kind of
like Bristol Palin carting her illegitimate baby around the talk-show
circuit saying she doesn’t want to talk about her personal life but
instead (even though it’s all about her personal life) she just wants
to promote abstinence.

I actually admire Prejean, in a way, for taking such a controversial
stand on the gay-marriage issue, even if it does seem akin to slavery
and Jim Crow mentality. But if that’s what she believes, then it was a
bold and brave step to say so in front of the millions of people
watching her on television during whatever pageant that was. And
because there are so many issues that are far more pressing right now
than same-sex marriage, I haven’t paid any attention to her since this
first started, and she very well may have delved a little deeper into
why she stated what she stated and why she let the anti-gay-marriage
National Association for Marriage snap her up so quickly as a
spokesperson. But this pat and pandering “I just want to protect
marriage” crap doesn’t really fly. Has anyone asked her what she means
by this?

It would seem to me that if she really wants to “protect marriage,”
the first thing she would do would be to launch a campaign to outlaw
divorce. That’s kind of a no-brainer. No divorce? Marriage is
protected. It’s as simple as that. Adultery, spousal abuse,
irreconcilable differences? Wouldn’t matter. The law would be the law.
Just like it is in so many states where same-sex marriage is illegal.
Sure, that’s pretty simpleminded thinking, but why should it be any
more complicated than that? According to most organizations that post
statistics on divorce in the United States, approximately 50 percent of
all new marriages end in divorce. That’s a lot. Seems to me, allowing
all of these divorces does not protect marriage at all, Carrie, so what
are you going to do about it? Take that tiara off for a minute, scratch
your head for a while, and think about it. And then SAY something in
detail about it.

The statistics also suggest that money is the number-one reason for
divorce. And a lot of the financial problems married couples have stem
from raising children, which is expensive. It might “protect marriage”
if the United States government put a limit on how many children
married couples can have. That would prevent so many financial
problems, which in turn might cut down the number of divorces until
they are made illegal, and those marriages would be better
protected.

Technology might not be quite to this level yet, but what about
inserting compatibility computer chips in couples who are engaged to be
married for a period of six months before the big day, to see whether
it looks like the marriage will be a happy one? I’m sure we’re not too
far away from that, since we do scan the irises of some foreign
visitors’ eyeballs at customs to keep a track on their identity and
their possible links to terrorism (lest we put the nation at risk again
by allowing the likes of Cat Stevens to enter the country). So why not
insert computer chips in the happy brides and grooms to be to track
them and catch them if they are cheating on each other or are engaged
in any other activity that might put their upcoming marriage at
risk?

Like I said before, Carrie Prejean and her ilk certainly have a
right to their opinions about same-sex marriage. I just wish they had
something halfway intelligent to say to back it up. I’d hate for a
beauty pageant winner not to get the respect she deserves.