The 2026 NFL preseason is officially underway, and college football is set to kick off on August 29th. This means the return of screaming fanatics to the Overpriced Beer Dome, otherwise referred to as a football stadium. When it comes to attending football games, you can know your Xs and Os, you can don your game-day drip, and you can impress the guys with your team-colored theatrical makeup. But it’s not enough to show your spirit, you have to bring your spirits. The MVP isn’t the quarterback who sneaks in the end zone, it’s the fan who sneaks in the cold one.
You have to stand in awe at the way the concession stand cashier says with a straight face, “One Bud Light? That’ll be $10, sir.” A referee should blow his whistle and throw a yellow flag for the penalty of unnecessary roughness on your wallet. If you’re grabbing barbecue nachos, purchasing a $10 beer once is acceptable. But to get blitzed, you’re going to need more beer. Who can fathom paying $60 for a six-pack of domestic suds? Nevermind the cost, the speed of these stadium vendors makes the DMV look like the Chick-fil-A drive-thru line.
What’s the alternative? The answer is under your nose, or under your hat, or stuffed in your waist band. Yes, in order to avoid ridiculously expensive beer prices, you have to call an audible BYOB. But it’s not easy to score against the Steel Curtain Stadium Security. They’re checking your bags, waving metal-detecting wands around your body, and patting you down. They make you want to yell, “Take it easy! I’m going to watch Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs play the Titans, not Paul Crewe and the Mean Machines play the Guards.”
I won’t condone overindulging, drinking and driving, or showing off your tight end by streaking at the halftime show, but over the last 20 years I’ve compiled a secret green playbook from my morally flexible bar customers on how to stiff-arm booze through security. If executed properly, you’ll be in victory formation at your next football game.
Men make up the majority of drunken idiots at football stadiums. What’s the difference between Uga the Bulldog and two drunk male football fans? Uga has four legs and one brain. The two drunk male football fans have four legs and no brains. But clueless, plastered playmakers are what you need to pull off the “sacrifice.” Fill a plastic Ziploc bag with liquor and duct tape it around your abdomen. Stuff your socks, pockets, and the hood of your hoodie with airplane bottles and walk in carrying two beers. Security will immediately intercept your two beers, but they’ll also think you’re an idiot and not bother searching you.
Your girlfriend or wife may not know the difference between a flea flicker and a light flicker, but when it comes to trick plays, women don’t play. The weapons at their disposal are unmatched: a hair brush flask, hollowed books, tampon boxes, and a 750 mL bottle resting in her Evelyn & Bobbie. One of my personal favorites is the old French braid around an airplane bottle special.
If the father is a jackass, then his kid is the mule. There are few things more satisfying to a dad than watching his bundle of joy smuggle a bottle of joy juice into a football game. When is the last time you’ve seen an 8-year-old bottle of scotch pulled out of the pocket of an 8-year-old boy? Diaper bags, baby carriers, and foam fingers also provide great protection against your drinking plans getting sacked.
Avoid bringing metal flasks; you don’t want your groomsman gift to get confiscated. Don’t refill liquor into plastic household bottles that once contained chemicals such as lotion, sunscreen, or sanitizers. Most importantly, don’t cram containers, liquids, or plastic bags in any of your bodily orifices. An ear hole, nose hole, or anything ending in a hole should be considered dangerous.
There is no foolproof plan when it comes to sneaking booze into football games because only a fool would plan this. It’s a coin toss. But if you fumble and get caught, you could get ejected and banned for life. For me, the tried-and-true method to smuggle alcohol is to carry it all inside your stomach.
Buddy Jones is a longtime Memphis bartender and comedian who hosts a weekly comedy night at Peoples on Beale.
