Ask Vance Blog

It's not a pleasant image to post on my blog, but last night I discovered this faded photograph tucked away in a shoebox in the attic, and when I gazed upon it, I realized it was the last photograph ever taken of Mother and Father Lauderdale.

The yellowed snapshot was taken during an excursion to Maywood, and even though it was the middle of June, Mother is wearing her beloved chihuahua-fur coat and stuffing a Hostess Twinkie in her mouth (she gobbled them down by the dozen). And there's Pa, smoking a Pall-Mall, which is what eventually set the house on fire, when he fell asleep — dead drunk, as usual — with a lit cigarette dangling from his tobacco-stained lips.

The picture brings back painful memories, you see, because just a few days later — having squandered what little was left of the family fortune — they abandoned me in Memphis and tried to evade the taxman by escaping to Canada. And there I was, a mere child of 27, left behind in the Mansion, unable to feed myself or even open a can of dogfood for my supper. Luckily, the lady from Social Services found me in time, and ... well, you know the rest.

This photo was the one used by the FBI on their WANTED poster. As blurry as it is, it worked, too. The authorities nabbed Mother and Father just as they were trying to sneak across the border into Nova Scotia, and — oh, I don't want to talk about it anymore.