Ask Vance Blog

This weekend, I finally invited some people over for dinner, and things did not go well. Some of the women complained the food was gritty from the chunks of plaster that kept raining down from the ceiling. Other guests whined that it was unnerving to try to hold an intelligent conversation — well, any conversation, really, except for "Yikes!" and "Oh My God!!" — when they could see the rats running back and forth through big holes in the dining room walls.

"What rats?" I asked them, in all innocence. I told them they were cute little kittens, but it still made them nervous.

And then others griped that the legs of their chairs were poking through the termite-eaten floors, the smell of a natural-gas leak (I've been meaning to put some duct tape over that rusty pipe in the basement) was making everyone whoozy, and when the lights flickered and went out — after a cascade of sparks from the fuse box in the hallway — well, the evening was pretty much shot. They didn't even stay for dessert — a nice platter of Circus Peanuts, served with toothpicks.

Here's a photo taken by my insurance company (click on it if you really want a better view), when those bastards canceled my homeowner's policy and tried to declare the Lauderdale Mansion "a public nuisance." Hmmm, maybe they've got a point. You know, a fresh coat of paint ought to do wonders for the old place. But the vase of flowers on the little table at the right is a nice start, though.