Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Bianca Knows Best … And Says Goodbye!
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 1:54 PM
Dear readers,
As you may have read on our website (or, ahem, in that other newspaper), our dear senior editor Mary Cashiola has taken a job in Mayor A C Wharton’s office. That means your advice goddess (that would be me) will be taking on some editing duties for the Flyer’s Fly-By section. For the time being, I’ll also be maintaining my events editor duties, and that means I simply don’t have time to solve your problems anymore. I care about your problems. I really do. But you’ll have to look elsewhere for advice. I will, however, take some precious time to answer one last plea for help.
Dear Bianca,
Admittedly, I am not "girlfriend" material. I am bipolar, and it has taken a long time to find the right combination of medications that work for me. When I get too stressed and hyper, I stop taking my meds and escape with a few bottles of alcohol.
I have no clue why my boyfriend has stayed with me. I have put him through hell with my mental illness every day. We have been together for over two years and have lived together for a year.
He has never been affectionate towards me, and he never compliments me on my looks. I wait for him to initiate sex because when I try, he says he is tired. We very rarely have sex. He says it's because when we do, he wants it to be special. He will only tell me he loves me if I ask him directly.
The most disturbing part is that he spends all his time online. He gets up in the morning and goes straight to the computer. He comes home from work, goes straight to the computer, and stays online until he goes to bed. He is a member of fourteen dating websites. He goes to live cam sex sites and porn sites. He tries to hide this activity from me, but the history is on his computer. I don’t understand why he is staying with me.
— Lonely in a Relationship
Dear Lonely,
The real question is, why are you staying with him? You may have some mental health issues, but that’s no excuse for his lack of affection or his whoring around online. It sounds like he’s just not that into you, but he’s too much of a wussy to break up. Or maybe he relies on you for something, like a roof over his head or a car. Maybe he likes the comfort of knowing he can have sex whenever he wants but only when he wants. It sounds like he’s either a wimp or he’s using you, and neither is acceptable.
This situation is not fair for you, and it’s no way for you to live your life. I’m no psychiatrist, but I’d bet your happiness in the relationship has an effect on your mental well-being too.
I have no problem with people in relationships enjoying a little porn. But the fact that he’s on dating sites is really messed up. Why would he be on dating sites unless he’s cheating or planning to?
You need to ditch this guy. And then you need to work on yourself. When you say you’re not “girlfriend” material, it sounds like you’re blaming your selfish asshat boyfriend’s lack of affection on yourself. You need to spend a little time being single and learning to love yourself and all your little eccentricities.
You should also seek out help from a substance-abuse group on how to maintain your meds without turning to alcohol. Once that issue is under control, you may be ready to date again. Next time, I hope you end up with someone who actually cares about you.
Comments (14)
Showing 1-14 of 14
Let it be known: Bianca may have gone out, but she went out with an "asshat," porn-supporting bang.
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I'll take over for Bianca if the Flyer leaders will reverse themselves and allow kinksters to be included in what is written about.
I have always found it interesting that Bianca has never, nor could ever experience things at all times and variables, to know the proper advice to a given scenario. Advice always assumes a goal in every case. Given this presupposed goal, what standard makes this goal one that we are morally obligated to achieve? Given her liberal worldview, there are no apparent absolutes that dictate the purpose of following her advice; except for pragmatic selfishness. Her entire function begs the question of teleological axioms.
CHG: You are a tiresome idiot. Why don't you go out and try to experience all things at all times and variables and get back to us in, say, 6,000 years?
I dunno Bruce. It's always pretty hilarious when the prince of petitio principii accuses someone else of begging the question.
CHG: My apologies for calling you an idiot. I'd just gotten home from a farewell party for Mary Cashiola and was probably feeling a bit too frisky to be commenting on the website. It was unseemly of me. That said, I urge all Flyer readers to keep an eye on this space. We'll be debuting a new advice columnist next week. Sadly, he will have the same problem as Bianca, in the sense that he will not have experienced all things and all variables throughout recorded history.
WOW!! this got a little out of hand. Just remember, we are all human & we all do the best we can. What might work for one will not work for all. Bianca did a great job. Whoever fills spot has some mighty large prints to follow.
Bruce,
I accept your ad hominem attack apology; which is usually the response when a topic has no sound rebuttal. I don't claim to have an absolute solution for a person's experience based upon my subjective opinion or the experience of a relative amount of people's experiences. In other words, I don't claim to have a solution based upon majorities, pop-psychology, or other behavioral norms that we are presented with today from a naturalistic perspective.
Okay. I admit it, I had to look up this word. And according to dictionary.com , definition #6 explains it all.
Enjoyed all your advice, Bianca, and all the best to you in your new role.
tel·e·ol·o·gy /ˌtɛliˈɒlədʒi, ˌtili-/ Show Spelled
[tel-ee-ol-uh-jee, tee-lee-] Show IPA
–noun Philosophy .
1. the doctrine that final causes exist.
2. the study of the evidences of design or purpose in nature.
3. such design or purpose.
4. the belief that purpose and design are a part of or are apparent in nature.
5. (in vitalist philosophy) the doctrine that phenomena are guided not only by mechanical forces but that they also move toward certain goals of self-realization.
6. A word created for and exclusively used by CHG.
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