“Let’s face it, keeping Graceland in Whitehaven for as long as we did was a boondoggle,” explained Presley spokesperson Roberta Flack as she oversaw the landing of the malt shop, supported by four Chinook helicopters. “It seemed like we couldn’t go a single day without a dozen innocent tourists being executed for valuables before they even got out of the airport.”
Police estimate that between 90% and 115% of the region's roughly 1-million annual Elvis tourists are injured, killed, or both at some point during their stay in Memphis, a city that has been highly ranked on dozens of popular magazine lists related to danger and criminality.
“Locals know that “Death Week” don’t just refer to Elvis,” says lifelong Memphian and Elvis fan Byron “One Leg” McIntyre, wiping the tears away with his wooden arms.
“I lost my whole family at a roadside candle concession back in ‘93,” he said, “And all I got to show for it is this lousy blood-stained t-shirt. And a ‘Love Me Tender’ snow globe. And George Klein's autograph.”
Lisa Marie was unavailable for comment as she worked round the clock in her namesake jet, delivering aid packages of peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches and light artillery to various strategic locations between Mississippi and the blighted land.
Early reports indicate that criminals, sometimes referred to simply as “locals,” have already begun constructing a to-scale replica of the Graceland mansion, with the hopes of luring oblivious tourists in for an easy score.
“That’s just scaremongering,” says Flack who insists that a new branch of the Family Dollar discount chain is slated to open on the site in October.