Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Cleaning House at 460 Tennessee Street
Posted by Bruce VanWyngarden on Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 1:08 PM
You may be wondering why there is a slight dearth of activity on memphisflyer.com today. Or you just may be waiting for the return of Tommy V (not gonna happen, parenthetically speaking). The dirty truth is that today is a very special day around our office. Yep, it's clean-up day, an annual ritual during which the staffs of the Flyer, Memphis Magazine, Memphis Parent, and MBQ come to work in shorts and T-shirts and spend half the day totally douching the office — wiping off the dust on cubicle walls, spritzing copy machines with Lysol, tossing a year's worth of accumulated newspapers and magazines, a bazillion press releases, 4,000 horrible music CDs into recycling bins. Like that. After it's over, we all repair to an un-disclosable location for a pool party and lots of beverages. Sort of like an office Christmas party in August.
- Chris Davis in cleaning togs.
In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves. Squabble, if you like. We're watching, but we're also sweaty and thirsty, and, to quote the immortal Tim Sampson, we don't know you (most of you) and we don't care what you do.
Kisses.
BV
Comments (58)
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It's about time. I hope you move the old broke down cars. I see some guys pushing them around on the street everyday. One guy pushing, one guy steering, and one guy giving some loud motivational speech. I don't think they actually go anywhere.
While you're at it, don't you think it's time for you guys to pull up that wretched, chocolate-brown shag carpet? God only knows what's down in those brittle threads. Brrrr.
This thread is going in a bad direction and I'm not gonna help it along. There are some lines even I won't cross, and the luxurious texture of my ass hair is one of them.
And see, I told you, Chris Davis looks different in every photo!
Admittedly, this one has me reconsidering the hetero lifestyle.
I can rip out the carpet for nothin'. The pond and cypress trees are what's gonna knock you off-budget. I'll do it, though. Had to close shop for a couple weeks due to high temps and the danger of chemical explosions. The bleach advisory warning is in effect for a couple more days.
Jeff... you're the one person of all genders & persuasions that I count on not to treat me like just another HOPA. And now this. My choice to wear attractive clothes in no way grants you permission to harass me.
I can help, I'm available since Smitty's has been idled, I'll bring the whip and chisel.
"Douching the office?" Whoa, I can't believe I'm letting that hanging curve ball go by.
I have to say, though (with all due respect), that a passing familiarity with French doesn't make some of its words any more suitable for conversion into the American lexicon. I think it might even be on a par with (quelle horreur) abusing parentheses.
Marty, it's quite obvious you have no respect for me or anything else other than your insatiable need to have every thread on this website somehow revolve around you. Imagine what you could have accomplished had you devoted the time (and the 60,000 words) you've spent on this site writing something meaningful.
Smitty: I looked at your new avatar again, and damn, dude; it makes you look like Jabba the Hut. Bring back the old one. Sometimes, looking like Tommy V. is better than the alternative.
Also, I didn't know you offered mobile service. It's certainly not featured in your Yellow Pages ad. How many treatments do you need to be promised at one location before you'll mobilize the Smittymobile?
That vehicle, by the way, is a rolling weapon of ass (oops--I meant mass) destruction, isn't it? Have you cleared it with Homeland Security and DoD? I'd hate to think of all that dangerous equipment (not to mention all those toxic chemicals) getting into the wrong hands. A suitcase bomb would be nothing compared to that.
BV: I'm sorry if you think I dissed you. That wasn't my intent. I thought the level of respect was reciprocal. Maybe that's the problem.
Besides, as Smitty will tell you (and I'm sure you'll agree), when it comes to any of these threads, I'm a pimple on the ass of progress, and I certainly don't consider myself (and I doubt anyone else does either) the axis of any of them.
But, I do consider anything I write to be meaningful. I'm sorry you disagree, but that's the risk any writer takes, isn't it?
P.S. I'm thinking of publishing a compilation (maybe this is where the misnomer "copulation" actually belongs) of my comments on this site. There would have to be a market for that, don't you think?
I just can't wait for Marty to tell us what really happened at the pool party. Who was really there, and what it all really meant.
I was thinking of getting the bank to mail me photocopies of all the checks I've written over the years and compiling all my signatures into a scrapbook, to catalog the evolution of my handwriting. There's bound to be a market for that somewhere, right guys?
Guys? Hey, guys?
auto: If you published it I'd buy it, if only to submit it to a handwriting expert. Abnormal psych 101 says you can tell a lot about a person from their handwriting. I'm sure yours would be quite revealing.
As for the pool party, what happens at a Flyer pool party STAYS at a Flyer pool party. But, I can tell you it was pretty much a bust. No Rudi Gernereich pubikinis, way too much exposed (mostly male) adipose tissue, a couple "baby ruths" floating in the deep end (Bill Murray, where were you when we needed you?), and Smitty (the gang invited him over after the treatments in the Smittymobile) wore one of those Borat thong thingies that was really gross (who knew hair could even grow in those places?), though his cannonballs were...wait for it...ASS-SOME!
y'all need me to bring my chainsaws down? it'd make good photo copy if we got pics of Mary and Bianca revving my 36 incher.
While you're cleaning, be sure to clean Ken's computer of viruses. He just sent me some Viagra spam. And no, I'm not kidding.
If you follow the instructions on this website *exactly* you can't go wrong.
http://www.likefunbutnot.org/2009Malware.p…
Since my prior comment was deleted, I'll repeat it:
Regarding the 4000 horrible music CDs, I assume they are 2000 copies each of the last couple of MGMT CDs? If not, why don't you smug douchers give the CDs to a local record store so they can sell them as used CDs and donate a large chunk of the sales to something useful like the Church Health Center or a soup kitchen? I'll be happy to facilitate. Thanks!
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