“Good morning, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“No, I don’t.”
“You were going 67 in a 35-miles-per-hour zone.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“Sir, I have your speed recorded on my radar gun.”
“Well, your ‘gun’ is wrong. There’s no way I was going that fast. In fact, I was going well under the speed limit.”
“No sir, you were going almost twice the speed limit, and I’m going to have to issue you a speeding ticket.”
“I wasn’t speeding.”
“Yes. You. Were. Remain here. I’m going back to my car to pull your vehicle information and write you a ticket.”
“Fine. I’m going to call my lawyer.”
“You do that.”
Five minutes pass.
“All right, sir. Here’s your citation. I’m required to inform you that you will have to appear in court, since you were going more than 25 miles per hour over the legal speed limit.”
“That’s fine. My lawyer just said, and I quote: ‘Don’t worry. They’re going to have a hell of a time trying prove you knew you were speeding.’”
“Sir, we don’t have to prove you knew you were speeding. We only have to prove you were speeding — and you were. My partner is in the squad car and he also can attest to your breaking the speed limit by more than 30 miles per hour. You also sped through a school zone, which doubles the fine.”
“Well, my lawyer said we’re going to get an alternate slate of cops, and they will testify that I was not speeding. And all I have to do is say I believe them. Check and mate, my friend.”
“An alternate slate of cops?”
“That’s right. If I sincerely don’t believe I was going that fast and I didn’t see any school-zone signs and an alternate slate of cops testifies I wasn’t speeding and I say I believe them, there’s no way they can find me guilty.”
“Uh, okay. Good luck with that strategy, pal. Your court date is on the citation. I suggest you don’t miss it. Going more than 25 miles per hour over the speed limit in a school zone can lead to jail time.”
“My lawyer says we’re going to subpoena your radar gun. He says we have evidence that it’s been tampered with by the manufacturer in Venezuela.”
“What? That’s insane.”
“Not if I sincerely believe it.”
“That’s not how the law works, sir.”
“Yes, it is. If I don’t believe I was going that fast and I didn’t see any school-zone signs and I have an alternate slate of cops and your radar gun has been tampered with, there’s no way those charges stand up in court. It’s a free-speech issue.”
“Okay [sighs, heavily], I’ve had enough of your bullshit for one morning. Tell it to the judge.”
“The judge is a biased thug who was appointed by someone who hates me.”
“The judge was not appointed by anybody. She was elected.”
“AHA! It was a stolen election! Boom! Case closed! If I don’t believe I was going that fast and I didn’t see any school-zone signs and I have an alternate slate of cops and your radar gun has been tampered with and it was a stolen election, there’s not a court in the country that would convict me. I’m an innocent man!”
“Whatever, sir. See you in court. You’re free to go.”
“Good! I’ve got a crowded theater to get to. I hear there’s a fire.”