“Help Wanted! Would you like to wear a mask and carry weapons and bully your way into people’s houses, schools, and offices and drag them off to sketchy ‘detention centers’ in undisclosed locations? Well, you’re in luck! Uncle Sam needs you! The only qualifications? Be able to spot brown people and be willing to take them into custody, no questions asked — or responded to. We’re now hiring! Contact your nearest ICE office today!”
That’s not a real ad, but it could be. ICE is indeed hiring because it’s been “underperforming.” Arrests by ICE agents dropped nearly 20 percent in July, to 994 per day, according to data from the Transactional Records Access Clearinghouse at Syracuse University. That’s down from 1,224 daily arrests in June, and a long way from the 3,000-per-day goal touted by the president’s glowering Racist-in-Chief, Stephen Miller.
ICE is having trouble carrying out Donald Trump’s ambitious campaign pledge to deport 11 million people, but it’s certainly not for a lack of money. ICE was just funded at more than $100 billion by the One Bigoted Beautiful Bill, making it the country’s most expensive law-enforcement organization.
About half of that money is going to private prison corporations like Nashville-based CoreCivic, the nation’s largest owner of correctional and detention facilities, so they can build more concentration camps like Alligator Alley. But that still leaves billions of dollars to help ICE hire the thousands of agents needed to snatch up 11 million people. ICE is offering signing bonuses of up to $50,000. They’ve lowered age requirements so teens can get involved, and raised age limits, so seniors can now stop greeting folks at Walmart and start grabbling them off the street. They’re even paying off student loans!
Trump and Miller have made personal pitches. Here’s ALL-CAPS Donny: “We need MORE courageous men and women to MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN. Join ICE now! We will take GREAT care of you, just like you take care of us!”
And here’s Miller: “Do you want to deport criminal invaders from the United States? The newly-passed Big Beautiful Bill provides extraordinary incentives for new ICE hires.”
Not to be outdone, DHS Director Kristi Noem posted a bold come-on to white supremacists: “Serve your country! Defend your culture!”
I mean, who wouldn’t want to defend our culture and deport invaders and “MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN”? Sieg Heil, y’all!
But as I said, none of it is working. These fools couldn’t sell water to a parched camel, and it appears there may not be enough Americans who want to join the junior Gestapo. Who knew? That’s why the government is now ordering hundreds of FEMA employees (in the middle of hurricane season) to go to work for ICE. And it’s also why Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has joined 20 other GOP governors around the country in volunteering their states’ National Guard troops to work for ICE.
“Tennessee stands ready to support President Trump’s efforts to secure our nation’s borders and remove the most violent criminals from our streets,” said Lee, last week, with a completely straight face.
So what will our stalwart soldiers be doing? Funny you should ask. The governor has authorized Tennessee National Guard troops to — get this: “assist with administrative and clerical duties at Immigration and Customs Enforcement processing facilities. Guard members, working under the governor’s orders but being paid by the federal government, will help ICE with data entry, case management, and logistical support.”
Troops will no doubt be issued a new patch for their uniforms: “The Few, The Proud, The Clerical.”
I can assure you that no National Guardsman (or woman) thought they were signing up to provide data entry or case management to help round up agricultural employees, construction laborers, and restaurant workers when they volunteered to serve their country.
But even that limited role could change. According to a report by Tennessee Lookout last week, the Department of Homeland Security is now considering using National Guard troops for detention and transportation of immigrants, as well as finding “fugitives.”
Turning Tennessee’s troops into prison guards and bounty hunters is a complete perversion of the National Guard’s role, and Lee knows it. He just doesn’t care. He’d rather curry favor with the private prison industry and Trump.
So the question arises: Will our troops still proudly wear their Tennessee National Guard uniforms while they’re guarding prisons and hunting immigrants, or will they switch over to the official ICE uniform of masks, T-shirts, guns, and beer guts? Stay tuned.
