It is a melancholy truth evident to all who traipse through this great river city that hunger and want must dog the heels of its citizens. So decree our wise and kindly leaders in industry and government, seeking only to protect we irresolute masses from the depravations of our own desires, and so say I. Were we left to our own devices, with resources to waste on the frivolous pursuits of so-called self-betterment, I have no doubt that we would plunge into the most depraved and selfish of pursuits.
Though some misinformed (dare I say treasonous?) pundits assert that the contemporary poverty threshold rests, not at $32,150, as long established, but at $140,000, well beyond the median income for American workers, I contend that such claims do not take into account the poverty of spirit those who have more than the mere “basic necessities” will doubtless experience. True, my noble declarations have their detractors, such as the Economic Policy Institute, which claims, with no thought to the sinful indulgences it encourages, that the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour, which has not increased since 2009, is a poverty wage.
Poverty of pocketbook, perhaps! I say with full conviction, my friends, that, though my pantry be bare and my gas tank perpetually rests at a quarter-full, my spirit is rich to the brimming, nay, to overflowing. Consider only the self-indulgent and destructive divertissements I might be tempted to enjoy were I able. I, for one, welcome the spartan and sin-free lifestyle imposed by the steady rise in prices, which have come mercifully uncoupled from stagnant wages in my lifetime. As such, what perfidious pundits decry as a crisis of affordability, I see as a necessary bulwark for the spirit and soul of every American worker.
To quote the fictional warlord, visionary, and benevolent humanitarian Immortan Joe, the underappreciated true hero of George Miller’s 2015 film Mad Max: Fury Road, “Do not, my friends, become addicted to water. It will take hold of you, and you will resent its absence.”
Though some renegades and rebels attribute Joe’s above quote to the fact that he controls and “hoards” the precious, so-called “life-sustaining” resource, anyone with half a brain can see that the noble warden of the wasteland and protector of the people is merely caring for his subjects. As the pinnacle of masculine leadership, he clearly knows better than the huddled masses what will actually benefit them. Look only at the furor with which the hordes of unclean wretches clamor for a meager sip of water, like addicts eager for a fix. Joe is magnanimous, selfless even, in his stalwart protection of his people, shielding them from the dangers of water addiction. Do they not realize that they live in a desert? Of course the Fearless Leader is not leveraging his sole control of a limited resource to deprive his subjects of the will to oppose him and to ensure their quiescent compliance. In fact, it should be treason even to suggest such a thing.
Similarly, our gracious and benevolent overlords do not profit from their accumulation of wealth and the steady and unceasing rise of prices. Only think what harm we uncultured rabblement could cause ourselves if we had access to money, and time in which to spend it! We might degrade our minds with long-form entertainment rather than watching short-form videos while too exhausted to do anything else in the brief hours before bed. We could strengthen our ties with friends, family, and community members, thereby lessening our holy and patriotic attachment to the state and select corporate entities. We might have time and financial resources to do our own shopping and cook our own meals — and with multiple ingredients, mind you — rather than patronizing fast food establishments or utilizing, for the general betterment of the economy, grocery delivery services. Weak-willed and tractable as we are, we might find ourselves addicted to such endeavors, selfishly spending minutes on end — even up to an hour — preparing a meal made with intention and care in the seductive comforts of our homes, laughing with our children and loved ones, and finding simple (read: sinister) joy in nontransactional activities.
I speak as one who knows, dear friends, that it is not only beneficial for the economy to work two jobs (preferably one full-time and one part-time, with freelance endeavors on the side, which also, mercifully, wrecks one’s tax status), it is conducive to the uprightness of one’s moral character, for idle hands are the devil’s playthings. A mind in idlement will stray into creative pursuits, being led into temptation and seditious self-thought, whereas a mind wearied by the monotonous pursuit of day-to-day subsistence has no room or energy for aught but obedience, complacency, and consumption. Are these not our American ideals? Were not our forebears Puritans, and should we not aspire to both their work ethic and their unswerving commitment to lives devoid of sinful joy?
As such, this holiday season, consider gifting your loved ones with a potato or other succulent and healthful tuber, lest they be led into temptation by self-indulgent and extravagant gifts. After all, one can survive off of potatoes alone for a long time, as they contain carbs, potassium, fiber, and vitamin-C. One cannot thrive on a diet of tubers alone, of course, but thriving is an unlikely and precarious dream, not to mention that it is tantamount to theft from our leaders.
Jesse Davis is a former Flyer staffer; he writes a monthly Books feature for Memphis Magazine. His opinions, such as they are, have never engaged in satire, scorn, or sarcasm.
