BARNSTORMING

HOLY MATRIMONY, BATMAN!

They’re here, they’re married queers, get used to it. Plus: a Makeover in

the Whitehouse, “Why are Deaniacs so damn ignorant?” And More.

Presidential Makeover

Bush would rather be called “stupid” than called, “a liar”

Have you heard about the Republican think tank that invented a robot so

lifelike it even sweats like a pig? White House Press secretary Robo-Scott

McClellen took it in the mechanical keester last Wednesday when the press

hammered him about the President’s disavowal of the job-creation numbers in

his annual economic report.

The president originally predicted 2.6 million

new jobs by the end of 2004. Since growth in the American job market has

come to something like a grinding halt, that figure was pie-in-the-sky by

anyone’s estimation. But here’s the crazy thing about it: This is not an

administration given to backing away from an overly optimistic

interpretations of the facts. “Mission accomplished,” anyone?

When asked repeatedly why the president wouldn’t stand by his numbers

Secretary McClellan, the mouth without a conscious, eventually offered this

most revealing response yet, “Let me be very clear here,” he said. “This

President is focused on what we are doing to create as robust an environment

as possible for job creation — not in crunching numbers.”

The last time we checked, the “science” of economics was largely about

crunching numbers. In fact, even the “art” of economics which, thanks to the

ENRON debacle, has fallen out of favor, is STILL all about crunching

numbers, if creatively. So what is old weeble-headed Robo-Scott saying here?

Has the president totally abandoned all traditional avenues of economics and

begun to explore the divine possibilities of faith-based economics?

“[The President is] looking at the actual numbers that are coming in, the

actual numbers that are being created,” Robo-Scott elaborates. Not too

reassuring in light of this administration’s less-that-flattering

mathematical track record. You’ve got to know that is the same “Oops, I did

it again”-bunch that keeps forgetting to factor the cost of our WARS abroad

into the national budget.

And they sure don’t know diddly about predicting

job growth. Heck, in December of 2003 they predicted an increase of 150,000

to 200, 000 new jobs. Only 1000 jobs were created. Only 1000.

“[The President is] looking to make sure we’re doing everything we can to

keep our economy moving in the right direction and create more jobs,”

Robo-Scott concludes. He’s still given no answer to the big question: What

job growth numbers will the President stand by?

But his message comes through loud and clear. This is a brand new George W. Bush we are dealing with. Going into this new election cycle the now-unpopular President must address his growing credibility problems. He can not, and will not stand by numbers that are not accurate in his admittedly uneducated opinion. He is not a liar. America won’t reelect a liar. They might reelect an honest idiot, but not a goddamn liar.

The Queendom of FudgePackistan

Or

Queer Eye of the Tiger,

Or

Security Level: Pink

Or better still,

Middle America tells them damn gays, “Go the hell back to where you came

from!”

In every dive bar in America you can hear some variation on this theme. You

can hear it tonight. This afternoon. No matter where you live you can

probably find some drunk at a bar watching CNN with the sound turned down.

He’s just reading the ticker, looking at the pretty pictures, drinking and

thinking. “I ain’t against them gays,” he says, and he means it. He doesn’t

want anything to do with them gays, of course, and he just might have to

jack some gay-ass jaw if he ever caught one of them gay-ass-gays looking all

gay at his pecker and shit. But otherwise, he’s down.

“Still, you have got to draw the line some damn where,” the old rummy

continues. “Marriage is an institution that exists between a man and a

woman. That’s how it’s worked for centuries, and if it ain’t broke, don’t

fix it,” he says. Maybe he talks about the Bible. Maybe he doesn’t. “And if

they’ve got to have something that gives them the same rights as married

couples,” he declares at last, “that’s fine by me. But just don’t try to

call it marriage.”

“I ain’t against them gays,” he says, sucking down the dregs of his longneck

bottle. “I swear to god I ain’t got no business in anybodies bedroom but my

own. But you just got to draw the line some damn where. You’ve got to draw

the goddamn line.”

This is not the voice of winger. It’s Joe Democrat. A blue-collar guy, most

likely, but maybe not. He sure doesn’t read The New Yorker, or Vanity Fair.

He’s a little more progressive than his neighbor, but that guy paints

himself up like an American flag and goes out screaming obscenities at

foreign cars with an “Anybody but Bush” bumper sticker. So that doesn’t mean

a whole helluva lot.

His, I am sad to report, is the general sentiment of

Middle America as supported by various national polls. Even as gays are

finally making their big break into mainstream culture, the new Jim Crowe

laws are being constructed. If gay marriage is banned by way of an amendment

to the United States Constitution, homosexuals will thereafter be recognized

by our legal system as a class of people who are separate, but equal. And

perhaps not even equal. The public record will show that a significant

majority of the American people, Democrat and Republican alike thought that

this was a pretty good thing, in the be-all. But don’t start folding up that

Rainbow flag just yet.

A Gallup poll from 1958 shows that 94 to 96% of all white people were

opposed to interracial marriage. The poll was conducted the same year

Richard Loving, a honky, was arrested for marrying the no-account darkie

Mildred Jeter. The felony charge carried a five-year sentence, and the

Virginia court found that Loving and Jeeter’s marriage was indeed a crime,

not only against the state, but also against nature.

“Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red,” the verdict read. “He placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his

arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The facts that he

separated the races show that he did not intend for the races to mix.”

According to the Gallup poll, the American people thought this was probably

a good thing. Is any of this starting to sound familiar?

Nine years after their arrest, the Supreme Court ruled in Loving vs.

Virginia, that laws against interracial marriage were unconstitutional. The

world didn’t end. Civilization didn’t crumble. God didn’t visit plagues down

on his chosen white people. And everybody who wasn’t certifiably nuts to

begin with got over it. Eventually, anyway.

Now we are looking at 1958 all over again. Only this year, 2004, is an

election year. Gay marriage, which strikes a sour chord with not only the

religious Right, but also the religious Center, is shaping up to be a big

campaign issue in the Presidential election. No doubt the G.O.P. hopes it

will become a wedge issue, shifting the focus off of Bush’s problems in

Iraq, and away from the sluggish American economy. They hope it will fire up

the President’s conservative base, and win over Soccer moms and

swing-voters. Liberals are wringing their hands because they know there are

plenty of Democrats who balk at the combination of the words, “gay,” and

“marriage.” The libs fear that this issue could blow up in their face, erode

their base, and give George W. Bush four more years in the White House. Both

groups are wrong.

The only Americans who really care what is going on in their neighbor’s

bedrooms are going to vote for the party of John Ashcroft no matter what.

And since that giant creep even gives a lot of old-school Republicans the

heebie-jeebies, you can pretty much assume that this aforementioned group,

while sizeable, is not the majority. Most folks know, or at least senses

that that gay marriage will have no real impact on the way they live their

lives. It may impact the way they vote, but they aren’t sure.

They know that the availability of jobs in America, does impact their lives. They know that not getting a raise for four years, while watching bills soar affects their

lives. They know that underfunded education programs affect their children’s

lives far more than the marriage of Adam and Steve. If anything, the gay

marriage movement is a big burst of love and sunshine in an otherwise gloomy

world where old AWOL soldiers send young men to die for no good reasons at

all. Gay marriage is not a losing issue for the Democrats. And, in the end,

everybody loves a wedding. I said, “in the end.”

Quick Hit

Are the Deaniacs losing their freaking minds?

When he bowed out of the Democratic primary net-roots candidate Howard Dean

encouraged his base to throw their support behind the eventual nominee.

Since then, a number of his loyal followers have written in to various

websites claiming that they couldn’t “stomach” the idea of voting for Kerry.

Because, you know, when you compare Bush to Kerry, there’s really not much

of a difference, right?

Faulty (Environmental) Intelligence

The Bush Administration dirties North Dakota skies, George Tenant

unavailable for comment

Wow, the state of North Dakota, which has been battling the EPA since

1999 over the poor air quality around Theodore Roosevelt National has

reduced its pollution levels significantly. Well, they have reduced levels

enough that The E.P.A. under the Bush Administration has given the go-ahead

to build a new coal burning electrical plant just spitting distance from the

park where President Roosevelt, stunned by the majestic, unspoiled landscape

dedicated himself to a life to conservationism. And how exactly has North

Dakota worked this air cleaning miracle? Have they developed new

coal-burning technologies that reduce toxic emissions? No, they have not.

Have they developed filters that catch the toxins before they can

contaminate the environment? No again. In fact, being quite unable to reduce

the level of pollution in any measurable way, North Dakota was given the

go-ahead by the EPA to change the way in which they estimate the level of

air pollution in the park. Genius!

This is a classic example of how the Bush Administration works on all

fronts. If you don t like the intelligence you are presented with change it.

And if you can t change the intelligence, change the way you read it. Create

formulas after-the-fact that validate your results. That s how America got

into Iraq. That s how America got saddled with its biggest national debt in

history. That s how North Dakota got a new coal burning electrical facility.

In related news, President George W. Bush plans to market a new ruler

designed specifically for measuring the penis. It is said that this new

ruler is guaranteed to add inches without the aid of pills, creams, or

exercise. The administration does not promise that the increased inches will

make your package look better in a flight suit. That is, of course, between

you and the flight suit.

Break In 2: Electric Boogaloo

Remember memogate, that little tempest-in-a-teacup wherein Senate

Republicans hacked Democratic computers and gained access to thousands of

files, perhaps illegally? Well it’s about to bloom into a Watergate-sized

scandal.

The bi-partisan Senate judiciary committee is in agreement: it appears a

crime or two has been committed and a broader investigation should commence.

Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) made his point clear: “Conservatives who

offer justification for this based on politics have missed the boat.”

“As a conservative,” Graham added, referring to the theft of Democratic

documents, “it runs against my philosophy of what the law is all about.”

Last week, Republican Senators who had received a special briefing from

Senate Sergeant at Arms Bill Pickle held an intense meeting with various

conservative groups. The abbreviated message: Don’t attack the Senate

investigation; you’ll regret your position when the results of the probe are

public. That’s coming from the REPUBLICANS.

Here’s what we know: Democratic computers were hacked by GOP staffers. We

know that thousands of documents, some containing information on judicial

nominees was stolen. We know that Republican staffers leaked the contents of

some memos to the conservative press. We may assume from the Senate

Judiciary Committee’s actions that at least some of the hacked information

was openly shared, and used for political advantage. The obvious question:

Who knew what, and when did they know it?

Depending on how the stolen information was attained, disseminated and used

this could end up being the kind of crime you have to map with a flowchart,

just to keep all the players straight.